Hi Minusone,
It sounds like a painful and confusing place to be. I was in a similar place for months and I'm sorry to hear that it's beginning to torture you again.
Here are a few thoughts on your post:
You know I put up boundaries when I asked her to talk but she didn't accept it. I asked her to make a specific date and time to discuss it over the phone. She refused to make a specific date and thats when the rage happened. She sent an I'm sorry text the day after and has since been silent.
I wonder how the refusal to accept your boundaries, and the rage and silence, fit with the views you express here:
It's getting more painful by the day. She's talking the good talk, she keeps with the idea that she's moving.
... .
She's talked to me about therapy. She knows what she's doing is wrong.
Is it just talk? Has she given any indication that she's ready to do any more than talk, i.e. that she's actually changing her behaviour? Maybe she still can't control her rage in the moments it comes on, but is her apology-plus-silence a sufficient indication that she's willing to walk the walk in addition to talking the talk? Only you can decide for yourself. My outsider's perspective from reading your post is that your ex is throwing out vague and ambiguous hints (checking to see if there's still an attachment) and leaving you to take all the risk of being vulnerable and making a move towards her. As I'm sure you know, that kind of gesture on your part might well trigger her fears of commitment/engulfment and leave you hurt again.
I know for a fact she has yet to speak to the guy she left me for when we moved here. Which leaves me and me alone.
It's hard to know things like this for a fact, I think. But supposing you are unique in her history, as her longest and deepest relationship, what do you conclude from this? Suppose she holds a special place for you in her heart, as the one who's come closest to making it last. Then she might be reaching out with those thoughts in mind. Does that change your thinking at all, in terms of what
you want from this?
Ive spoken to members of her family and they seem to think that she's trying to make an effort to make amends. Wether that be closure or something else.
I hear you wondering a lot about what she wants. And that's understandable -- we've all been there. But what about what you want? What she wants might not be consistent or clear to her. She might want something today and something else tomorrow. The only way to approach that inconsistency while maintaining your own boundaries and emotional stability is to know what you want. So, minusone, what do you want?
I have to admit that I'm hopeful its something more. I think thats where I'm starting to torture myself. It's getting more painful by the day.
... .
I don't feel like this is a recycle. I truly don't. A part of me wishes it was based off the fact she doesn't ignore the disorder exists. She's talked to me about therapy. She knows what she's doing is wrong. But I can't help seeing all the stories on here and realizing maybe none of that really makes a difference. I don't want to believe that this is all that its come to. I'm trying to hold my boundaries.
I hear a lot of uncertainty and self-doubt here. I know the feeling. It brings tremendous anxiety and can be excruciating emotionally. If you want to address the anxiety and pain, the answer is not in trying to solve the possibly inscrutable riddle of what she wants from all this, but in deciding what you want. Easier said than done, I know. But if what you want is for her to be a different person than she is ... .well, that's not in your control. If what you want is to give it one more chance, or at least to see what she wants, then what you can control is deciding what you would need to see from her to give her a chance, what boundaries you need for yourself, and whether you feel capable of maintaining them. If what you want is to continue detaching, then you need to keep that goal in mind when deciding how to be in contact with her.
I've already kindly called her out on some of her words and behavior. She's silent for now which makes me feel like she's waiting for something. I just don't know what.
She might not know what either. She might be waiting to see what gesture you make and then respond however she feels at the time. What do you hope to gain for yourself by trying to decipher her motives?
Sometimes I can't handle it.
It's hard. It can be brutal at times. But you can handle it. You may need to come to terms with some painful parts of your own emotional make-up. But you clearly have enough self-awareness and compassion to carry yourself through this painful process. Figuring out what you really want might bring some more pain as you work through it ... .but the pay-off will be worth it, believe me. Good luck!
