BPD Seeing Me Moving On Online

[rosesarered777]

I have never seen a post with this concept. What will a BPD do if they happen to see you on an online dating website, moving on from them? Won't it trigger their jealousy and sense of abandonment, even if they were the ones choosing to abandon you first?

[TheRose]

I guess that's hard to say. Although many BPD's share similar traits, they are all individuals and might respond differently to certain scenario's.

[Im Better]

  yes it is hard to say.   how long has it been? are they bombing already? all depends on a few things. they could get jealous, or act like you never existed...   but I think you will be contacted.    maybe right away,  or after the next failed relationship.  but they have a tendency to recover any lost attention sooner or later.  how ya gonna act?  good luck.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi rosesarered,

After my divorce from xhwBPD, I removed myself from all social media.

After you see someone you once loved disassociate in front of you and tell you how much they hate you, you become afraid of that person.

I am not hiding, but I don't engage in it because I do not want him to know anything about me, my boyfriend or my children.

I know I am happy and doing well, that is enough for me. I don't need to proclaim it from the rooftop.

L

[Confused108]

IMO I would think it would annoy them.  Don't forget it's all about them. Who is  kissing their feet etc.  I think majority of them don't want us to move on bc they need us in case their next victim does not work out. And then maybe the next person they try and recycle has finally caught on to them and their games. Then comes  trying to recycle you again. Move on with your life because your just a number on their recycled list.

[rosesarered777]

IMO I would think it would annoy them.  Don't forget it's all about them. Who is  kissing their feet etc.  I think majority of them don't want us to move on bc they need us in case their next victim does not work out. And then maybe the next person they try and recycle has finally caught on to them and their games. Then comes  trying to recycle you again. Move on with your life because your just a number on their recycled list.

Thanks for the many replies guys!

That's what I was thinking -- she and I are both signed up to the same online dating website and there aren't many guys in this area. The total population is just over 100 000 people and not many are signed up online due to the age demographic (i.e. mostly elderly). I would assume she would not like me moving on and branching on without her... even if that is what she has chosen to do despite promises of me being 'perfect' and saying to 'sign her up' to marriage+kids. Now her profile says she doesn't have kids and doesn't want them and is looking not only for a short/long term relationship but friends as well.

Nothing quite like letting your marriage disappear and telling people that you are single online without filing papers... .sheesh.

[Buffie]

Anything that looks like rejection will trigger them. Online dating sites are also a great place for someone like him to hide under another name and profile.  Just a little bit of advice, if they seem too good to be true, then they are!

[oceanyc]

Here is my recent experience with this. We were in contact as "friends" while she was in a bad relationship with someone who she met weeks after we stopped communicating. She was somewhat standoffish until she saw my profile on a dating site then became more affectionate almost over night.  She came to see me a couple times and we discussed our past and why/how it ended. She ended things with that guy and a week later started pulling back. She said she was "deciding whether she wanted to work things out" with that guy and blah blah blah.

Take that for what you will.

[Kelli Cornett]

They have probably already had like 6 replacements    doubt they care.

[Pretty Woman]

I think this applies only if they are not love bombing another person, as someone mentioned here. I know about three days after I posted on Match she was racing back saying how "hot" I looked in my picture.

I lost like ten pounds in a week from the stress of her.

I have my ex blocked from contacting me period. She would have to show up at my door and given the shame associated with this disorder I doubt she will ever attempt that.

[rosesarered777]

I think this applies only if they are not love bombing another person, as someone mentioned here. I know about three days after I posted on Match she was racing back saying how "hot" I looked in my picture.

I lost like ten pounds in a week from the stress of her.

I have my ex blocked from contacting me period. She would have to show up at my door and given the shame associated with this disorder I doubt she will ever attempt that.

In a weird twist, I suddenly got a 'separation agreement' that she must have paid a lot for from her lawyer. Most of it was fair and 98% she would be keeping what was hers before the marriage and I would be keeping what was mine.

She claims the curtains were hers when I was the only one who could afford them years ago... so that's definitely a lie. The deal was that she would buy furniture for /us/ if I paid for first and last. Looks like more back-tracking... just like claiming to pay for her share of the lease and then disappearing!

Fortunately, I have the legal documents and can contest all of these things.

[Curiously1]

Much like anybody else except more exaggerated cos of the BPD symptoms such as either an extreme reaction to it whether they obviously show it or not or complete disinterest in it. It depends on the individual. Some recycle or will want to at a later time when they are not distracted with new things in their life and others prefer moving on to someone new no matter what you do. If that's the case, and knowing you are still single, they can be quite competitive and in their minds think of it as somewhat of a game of trying to get someone before you do I think they react a lot more too once you have really moved on from them (whether they want you back or not), and or someone else is really in the picture besides them. It's all about them and their wants/needs and entitlement and will only care about you and what you do if they can see you in a good light again and think you fit that role of suiting their wants/needs best again.

[rosesarered777]

Much like anybody else except more exaggerated cos of the BPD symptoms such as either an extreme reaction to it whether they obviously show it or not or complete disinterest in it. It depends on the individual. Some recycle or will want to at a later time when they are not distracted with new things in their life and others prefer moving on to someone new no matter what you do. If that's the case, and knowing you are still single, they can be quite competitive and in their minds think of it as somewhat of a game of trying to get someone before you do I think they react a lot more too once you have really moved on from them (whether they want you back or not), and or someone else is really in the picture besides them. It's all about them and their wants/needs and entitlement and will only care about you and what you do if they can see you in a good light again and think you fit that role of suiting their wants/needs best again.

The extreme reaction I saw was she changed her profile picture twice within an hour talking about being strong, being able to be alone, and that strong women raise strong daughters. It was kind of... .strange. She most likely saw that I was online dating as well and didn't secretly like it.

[JRT]

During one of our recycles, we had been broken up for a month or so. After her return, she told me how enraged she was that I had reactivated my dating site profile and had begun to date again. It was certainly an indication of what she felt about the breakup: it was not a break up at all... .AND, it was incumbent upon me to read her mind on this.

I have not seen or heard from my ex in 2 plus years. Yet, I know for a fact that she is not dating and very likely maintains that connection to me the pwBPD cannot seem to shake. Yet her shame prevents her from reaching out.

If yours is like mine, seeing you online was not an indication that you moved on. It was a validation of her claim to victim-hood: you moved on so 'quickly'. 'See; how could he have possibly ever cared'?

There is no winning... .

[Indifferent28]

If they're really done, they're done.

My ex saw me on tinder, which i only got a long time ago to see if it was true that she was meeting people off that app, an app she used to despise and couldnt believe people used.

She didn't care.
Swiped me as not a match.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I have not seen or heard from my ex in 2 plus years. Yet, I know for a fact that she is not dating and very likely maintains that connection to me the pwBPD cannot seem to shake. Yet her shame prevents her from reaching out.

JRT,

This is exactly it. I just saw my ex (Wrong Place wrong time) and I know she saw me. She was looking down and looked in shame and Sad. But I know her and I think that was all an act since she also knew I saw her. I used to hate that girl but now I really feel sorry for her. Now I know 3 of her ex BFs have left her because she pulls the same crap with everyone she meets. After seeing her I have realized I made the right move. I am glad I did not feel anything towards her. I left as fast as I could.

[JRT]

I can relate... .while I have not seen her, I have seen a picture of her without makeup and such... .she has aged WELL beyond her years in the 2 years since I last saw her (she was a beautiful woman who now looks remarkable bad, and I ain't just saying that to make me feel better). She had very serious problems sleeping among other things and now I realize why: she struggles with her past and her actions: she wears her defeats on her face and health and is losing the battle.

Like you; I felt profound anger towards her (and still do sometimes), but that has largely been replaced by feeling sorry for her. She will NEVER have a normal life... .EVER.
Sad... .she was offered a good life and lots of love.

[Kelli Cornett]

Thanks for the many replies guys!

That's what I was thinking -- she and I are both signed up to the same online dating website and there aren't many guys in this area. The total population is just over 100 000 people and not many are signed up online due to the age demographic (i.e. mostly elderly). I would assume she would not like me moving on and branching on without her... even if that is what she has chosen to do despite promises of me being 'perfect' and saying to 'sign her up' to marriage+kids. Now her profile says she doesn't have kids and doesn't want them and is looking not only for a short/long term relationship but friends as well.

Nothing quite like letting your marriage disappear and telling people that you are single online without filing papers... .sheesh.

It looks like you've done your share of following her on this dating site, and it's triggered several issues with you. Maybe you're doing a little projecting in your concerns about her seeing you on the site.

Certainly not saying that your feelings and hurt are unwarranted (we've all been there), but I think this dating site thing is bringing up stuff that needs to be worked through.

[rosesarered777]

Thanks for the many replies guys!

That's what I was thinking -- she and I are both signed up to the same online dating website and there aren't many guys in this area. The total population is just over 100 000 people and not many are signed up online due to the age demographic (i.e. mostly elderly). I would assume she would not like me moving on and branching on without her... even if that is what she has chosen to do despite promises of me being 'perfect' and saying to 'sign her up' to marriage+kids. Now her profile says she doesn't have kids and doesn't want them and is looking not only for a short/long term relationship but friends as well.

Nothing quite like letting your marriage disappear and telling people that you are single online without filing papers... .sheesh.

It looks like you've done your share of following her on this dating site, and it's triggered several issues with you. Maybe you're doing a little projecting in your concerns about her seeing you on the site.

Certainly not saying that your feelings and hurt are unwarranted (we've all been there), but I think this dating site thing is bringing up stuff that needs to be worked through.

I was signed up as I was familiar with her past behaviours when we were merely dating. Within days, she would be back on a popular online dating site when I was still reeling. So I wasn't sure what to expect now we are legally married. So yes, my issue is the fact we are married yet she is telling everyone we are divorced and that she is single, which is not true and is not even possible for another  7 months approximately. Would you not have an issue with a married person telling others that they are single? I know many people would.

Also, I wasn't exactly following her as much as we are still married. I wouldn't say that this dating site thing is bringing up issues that need to be addressed because you and I both know a BPD cannot address anything and therefore there is no way I could formally resolve it properly.

If you are a perfect person, please elaborate on your BPD story here. Your reply reminds me of that other person in the other thread who trolled my post a few weeks ago.

[Pretty Woman]

Roses, I don't think Northface meant his comment the way you are taking it.

None of us are perfect, we get it.  I think he means being on that website and viewing her actions has triggered you, and it's totally justifiable. Trust me, it killed me to see my ex's profile, "Laid back, happy gal looking for an awesome woman". It made me feel lower than low.

Remember, marriage is just a title when there is no commitment behind it. As hurtful as it is, and it hurts, your ex is single in her mind. Their ability to emotionally "shift shape" and cut off with no remorse or thoughts of the consequences is mind numbing.

I think what Northface was saying is this: now it's all about you and your healing. You will never get closure from your ex, you need to create that closure. Checking the dating website only hurts, it doesn't help.

No one is condemning you for doing it. We've all done it (pretty much), we are all just in different stages of healing and we hate to see another poster here suffering. Everyone wants to help.

We are very glad you are here with us working through things.

The hardest part for me here on these boards is I felt I was getting beat up sometimes. It took me a year and a half to figure it out. I was obsessing over something I could not fix. It takes two to tango.  In my situation my ex treated me terribly. She cheated on me 13x and left me for exes. She hit me once and spit on my face. She almost broke my arm. She would return when things didn't work out and I took her back.

As awful as she was the key phrase here is: I took her back.

THAT is what I am working on, figuring out why so I don't attract another BPd relationship. I felt very ganged up on in these boards. For awhile I totally hated Skip but it's because I felt people were attacking me and it's hard not to be sensitive when someone hurts you this bad. But they weren't, they are just farther along in their healing process and they know what it's like to be in your shoes.
I see this now. It took me two years to get here though.

Up until two weeks ago I was still checking my exes FB from a fake account.

Don't beat yourself up. Just ask yourself why this matters, why does it really matter that she is putting "single" on her profile? Does that change the situation? Are you hoping to work things out or detach? No answer is a wrong answer, it's just something to think about.

PW
 

[Kelli Cornett]

Thank you, Pretty Woman. You hit the nail on the head.
That was exactly what I was trying to convey in my post.