Hello. I thought this board might give me some much needed support. Hmmm where to begin? Well lets just start out with im 22 and unemployed currently. I've suffered with depression since my days in middle school. I've been in now 2 relationships where I felt I've loved as hard as I could and gave as much I could. Before her I was still recovering from my first love that left me shattered and showing signs of disassociation.
Anyway now onto the problem. Out of nowhere one day I received a message from a girl I've never talked too much. She was an ex of one of my friends from back in the day of highschool. I saw her on occasion maybe 4 or 5 times before the message. So anyway she messages me out of the blue and out of nowhere we hit it off as it seems everyone does. I fell in love so quickly with all of her sweet sayings. It must have been only a couple of weeks of skyping and messaging on facebook. At the time I had no idea she had BPD. It all seemed so magical. But she said the strangest things to me. She mentioned how she would inevitably break my heart and that it would never really work out. I was so confused. She told me she loved me first and I quickly said that I loved her more. How could I not? She brought me out of my feeling of disassociation and loneliness. She stopped all of the racing thoughts I had every not.
She was living a state away from me but I felt so close. She said all of the things a codependent like me wants/feels like they need to hear( I didn't realize codependency was a thing until today). With her messaging me I felt like a king. Something someone like me hasn't felt much in his life. So the talking goes on for a couple of months and we wanted to meet up for Valentines Day this year. She lived with her mom after she dropped out of school for attempting suicide. So I stayed for valentines day and ended up staying for the following week.
A month or so goes by and she says the distance is too much. So, desperate to have her by my side I ask for her to move in with me as soon as she can so I can get her out of her apparently toxic household. I wanted to help her so much, and if im being honest I was trying to help myself be not so lonely.
So she moves in and we get jobs together. It was all so perfect in my eyes. We would stay up late together and always hang out. She quickly became my whole reason for living. I stopped seeing my friends and talking to my family. We were in our own little paradise together. Nothing could go wrong. We were each other's anchors to this world. I helped her apply back into college and reassured her all of the time that she could do anything she set her mind to and she would do the same for me. Throughout the period of her living in my house with my family she would go through times where I wasnt paying enough attention to her and she would want to break up for her sake. Ofcourse this broke my heart every single time, but it would always only be for a day where we would go without talking and then hit it off harder than ever. It would happen every two weeks or so. Despite me giving her all of my attention and cutting off close ties to those who were once close to me. We talked about marriage and having a family many times. I thought she was going to be the one and stay by my side until the day we died. BPD couldnt stop that, no one could get in the way. Or at least I thought so.
Fast forward about 4-5 months later She moves back into the dorm in august. The college she moved into was the place where I currently live. So it all made sense that we could work it all out and stay loyal to each other. Even though she moved into the dorm she would come stay with me every single night. It was like she never moved out. Except for the days where she would block me on facebook saying it wouldnt work out after all. but once again, we always got back together. Until recently that is.
It happened like any other normal time, except for the last few times, I never took her seriously anymore. She would obviously come back to me this time. She always did. We meant too much to each other to give it all up so easily. But this time about 3 days went by. I woke up and called her immediately after checking facebook to see if she messaged me. She hadn't so this time I would give her a call. I called her crying and asking what was going on. Her voice was sad, but she said we were bad for each other. She started telling me all of these things that I had done wrong. She started picking out all of my insecurities. She said I was behind her and not strong enough to be there for her. I begged and pleaded with her all night to give me one more chance. This time I was going to change for sure. I would give her the attention she deserved and needed. Then out of nowhere she says she's been talking to some new guy on campus. She said he was kind and put in more effort in them than I had given in 8 months. It had only been 2 days of talking she said. I was devastated
How could she replace me who had always been there for her at all hours of the night when she was feeling lonely with some guy she jsut met? It didnt make sense. My whole world came crashing down. I felt like nothing. I was just a stepping stone in her life. She hung up on me many times that ngiht, but I would call her back begging and pleading more and more. Apologizing for things I knew I didn't do wrong. "I can mean more to you than this guy ever can" I said. "He won't care for you like I can" She ended up crying and agreed to see me the next day. I was so happy to hear her say that. It's what I had to hear. I wasnt going to give up. I got off the phone and she called me one of her own sweet nicknames she gave me. She said she told the new guy that it wasnt going to work. that she loved me too much. Then I get a call back 10 minutes later saying basically he talked her out of getting back together with me. The last thing I heard her say was" I love you, but it's not the love I need" Those words haunted me that night. They still haunt me today and it's already been a week. I still can't believe I heard her say that. What does it mean? IF she loves me how can she do this to me?
So the following week I had reconnected with my old friends and they let me live with them. I'm currently living with them now. I couldnt stay in my old room. We shared the room together. Every night she would haunt me. I would her laugh and giggle out of nowhere. She wasnt really there. Everytime I broke down and sobbed and sobbed to my parents and friends. I couldnt take it. I thought about suicide every single night. I couldnt live without her I thought. It was impossible. She was my reason for being happy. My reason for living. I would get drunk with my friends every night and call her and use their facebook accounts to message her. sHe blocked every single way I had of getting in touch with her. One night I realized I still had her skype contacts so I spend 3 whole hours getting everything off my chest. How I still loved her. How she saved my life and brought me out of the dark pit that was my depression.(she seemed to always bring me out of my depressed days)
Thanks to my friends though I'm getting by slower and slower. I have an appointment with my psych tomorrow after months of neglecting to show up for appointments. I've started dieting and lifting weights since then. MY friends are forcing me to do it with them
. I feel like this is the best way for me to make my first step at a new me. I want to be strong and confident. I want to finally have a self esteem that I provide for myself after years of feeling like dog crap. If she calls me back I want to be able to tell her no. I wont take her back this time and that im finally happy and loving myself for the first time. But... .there are times, even when im with friends and family, that nothing can take my mind off of her. I know its bad, but I keep looking at facebook waiting for the message. For her return. I still love her so much. So much I cant stand it and feel like I'll never love anyone half as much as I loved her. I'm scared I wont love again. That I wont find someone I can love and who returns the love back. I want to be able to be in a 50-50 relationship. But, with depression and realizing I'm codependent I have times where I feel like I can't overcome this hurdle. That'll I'll just give in to the darkness.
Sorry this was all so long winded. I've just had a lot on my mind and could use some support from those that have been here where I am. I want to feel not so alone. Sure my friends are there for me, but I want to know that I will make it through this. And I will come out stronger.
Please let me know what helped everyone who's going through what im going through.
Thanks
