Getting Out of A Spiral?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I like to come back here once every couple of weeks to regain my bearings, haha.

Here's a little update. I was really hoping for some advice. Any words of wisdom to help me out of my mental rut, would be appreciated!

Haven't been hearing from exBPDw or exstepson for the past two weeks. I miss my exstepson tremendously. The every so often that I do hear from him makes me super emotional. I find that I'll randomly start feeling horrible pain over regrets of moving away and regrets of how I could have been a better father figure, back when we were a family. My exBPDw always told me I was a terrible father to him and that I was selfish and lazy, and now I'm starting to believe it and I feel ashamed. I really worry about his well being now too.

Since the move, I've been feeling isolated. I live with my brother and his wife, but I feel a disconnect--they don't really understand that I'm in a funk/depression. They think that I can choose to be unhappy and wallow. I don't know anyone else in this state... .no friends to talk to. I work alone at the home, so I don't even see coworkers and it's really bumming me out. I keep trying to go on dates from tinder and bombing them hard--almost hilariously bad. I don't even necessarily want a girlfriend, but I've been bombing so hard, friendship is out the window too. It's awful. Funny, but awful.

Now I'm even doubting my career. What am I doing in this line of work? I'm not enjoying it. It doesn't seem like something I want do for forever. I compare my success to how educated and important the people I meet (and who don't like me) from tinder are and I feel like uneducated, worthless trash in comparison.

How do you others avoid the self loathing? How do you find confidence in your worth? How do you find the strength and trust that you're allowed to be happy? How can I meet new people and feel like I have any value, as I acknowledge how much of a train wreck my life is?

[thrownforaloop]

I like to come back here once every couple of weeks to regain my bearings, haha.

Here's a little update. I was really hoping for some advice. Any words of wisdom to help me out of my mental rut, would be appreciated!

Haven't been hearing from exBPDw or exstepson for the past two weeks. I miss my exstepson tremendously. The every so often that I do hear from him makes me super emotional. I find that I'll randomly start feeling horrible pain over regrets of moving away and regrets of how I could have been a better father figure, back when we were a family. My exBPDw always told me I was a terrible father to him and that I was selfish and lazy, and now I'm starting to believe it and I feel ashamed. I really worry about his well being now too.

Since the move, I've been feeling isolated. I live with my brother and his wife, but I feel a disconnect--they don't really understand that I'm in a funk/depression. They think that I can choose to be unhappy and wallow. I don't know anyone else in this state... .no friends to talk to. I work alone at the home, so I don't even see coworkers and it's really bumming me out. I keep trying to go on dates from tinder and bombing them hard--almost hilariously bad. I don't even necessarily want a girlfriend, but I've been bombing so hard, friendship is out the window too. It's awful. Funny, but awful.

Now I'm even doubting my career. What am I doing in this line of work? I'm not enjoying it. It doesn't seem like something I want do for forever. I compare my success to how educated and important the people I meet (and who don't like me) from tinder are and I feel like uneducated, worthless trash in comparison.

How do you others avoid the self loathing? How do you find confidence in your worth? How do you find the strength and trust that you're allowed to be happy? How can I meet new people and feel like I have any value, as I acknowledge how much of a train wreck my life is?

[enlighten me]

In a way your brother is right. Only you can make you happy. The problem is that with relationships like these we can end up looking at ourselves under a microscope and only concentrate on our negative aspects. We also have the added hinderance that what we received in the begining was very addictive and ee want to regain that high.

I have settled into a laid back and almost selfish recovery mode. Its my time now and I decided on doing the things that I want. I have an ever growing group of friends which started with just one person who was a new aquaintance two years ago. I pretty much started from scratch. Ive set myself goals and im working towards them. I have a dream goal which short of winning the lottery I'll probably never achieve but it keeps me moving forwards. Ive changed my career path and now im pretty content.

Try not to take to heart what your ex said. The facts dont match reality. If you werethat awful a stepdad then why does your step son have anything to do with you? Her comments sound more projection than fact.

[JerryRG]

Hello thrownforaloop

Speaking for myself and how I compare my life with what you are describing now.

I have codependent tendencies, like many who get involved with disordered people, our want and need to rescue.

I started reading about codependency and how this can affect myself and it is amazing how much I've learned.

The biggest part of being codependent that hurts the most is people pleasing.

Not being able to say no.

Losing ourselves in others needs

It's time I take back my life, make good choices for myself and live the life I was meant to live.

Trying to rescue the world isn't our job.

Being with my exgf and her never ending demand of attention and validation, I lost myself.

Codependency isn't just a nuisance, it is a theif, it robs us of life, individuality and keeps us from being who we were meant to be. And after all, in reality that's all we can be, anything else is just a lie.