Stop me reaching out

[insideoutside]

Hi guys

I re-read my friends emails this morning and couldn't help feel sad that three of them that he sent on the last discard said that he had a lot of difficult things going on in his life and could no longer talk to me and to leave him alone so he could get well, then another which said you cannot help me, only the medical profession can do that and the last one in response to one of my angry replies he said please remember how unwell I am.

I feel so full of empathy today and angry with myself that I lashed out selfishly.  

He pushed me away this time last year but reached out after 2 weeks of silence.  It's been 10 weeks now.  I miss talking to him but I know I must remain no contact and must not reach out to him no matter what and that I have to respect his request.  It's so hard though.

[Rayban]

HI Izzy,

I know how difficult it can be when we fight the urge to break no contact. I would base my decision on being able and detached enough that if you don't get the response that your expecting from him, it will not set you back further in your recovery.  He states that he doesn't want to be contacted and wants to be left alone. Maybe he also meant he'll contact you when he feels better, and might b
Not be at that point now.

[insideoutside]

HI Izzy,

I know how difficult it can be when we fight the urge to break no contact. I would base my decision on being able and detached enough that if you don't get the response that your expecting from him, it will not set you back further in your recovery.  He states that he doesn't want to be contacted and wants to be left alone. Maybe he also meant he'll contact you when he feels better, and might b
Not be at that point now.

Thank you Rayban

I'm no where near detached enough and it would certainly set me back so I know contacting him would be no good for either of us.  It saddened me today to re-read just how aware he is of his illness and that he can't even allow me in as his friend.  I have so much empathy for him.  Last year when he reached out after his period of ST he waited til he knew I would be asleep and sent me an email telling me that he feels unhappy a lot of the time and can't help it.  I really and truly hope he finds happiness and peace; everyone deserves that and my wish for him is that he truly finds it with or without me being part of his life.

[Rayban]

Izzy,

Be gentle with yourself for having that compassion and empathy to care for his well being and ultimately his happiness.  All you could do at this point is pray for him to get the help he needs. Use the this time to also reflect on the things you need to do to make you stronger and better.

[patientandclear]

If you feel you need to stay NC, listen to that instinct.

But there is nothing per se wrong with being in touch, if you can accept who your pwBPD is and deal with his feelings and reactions.

As I recall your story, you got in touch as friends years after your romance ended, and you are in another r/ship, but you ended up feeling feelings of romantic love for him, and told him. His reactions were complex, and it hurt your feelings and the two if you mutually pulled away over a period of time. None of that is unusual for BPD. There can be intense closeness, and an inability to sustain that. That can hurt the other person if the other person personalizes the reaction or if the reactions is expressed in abusive ways.

In your case, he seems fairly self aware and is asking you to accept his limits. If you can, there is nothing per se wrong with being in touch.

I am not in touch with my ex because he continually presses through boundaries that are appropriate for people who are not romantic partners; but he will not be my partner, and he's not good at negotiating any of this with me, so we have big spasmodic breaks where one or the other is hurt and goes away. If I'd understood much more at the beginning I could have managed differently, but I didn't.

If you take your person at his word that he is unwell, don't personalize his reactions, don't expect him to be able to deal well with emotion or closeness, understand that he will have mistrust and fear of anyone he is close with ... .You may have a worthwhile connection that you can manage.

It's important to be clear on what YOU are doing in the r/ship (if he thinks you are friends but you want more, he may distrust your motives in being close; which doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your feelings, but clarity in your own head about what you can offer in the event that he doesn't feel he wants to reciprocate romantically is quite important; don't be muddy).

[heartandwhole]

Hi izzybusy 

Your feelings make sense, and I know how hard it can be to not reach out, especially when our hearts have softened and we see the bigger picture. I recommend listening to your instincts. He asked for no contact. I'm sure if and when he is ready, he will reach out to you. In the meantime, you have your feelings and thoughts to deal with. I hope you will extend that same empathy and compassion that you are feeling for your friend toward yourself. We've all done things we wish we hadn't and they can be difficult to acknowledge and accept when the dust clears. Be gentle with yourself. 

I doubt if anyone here has never busted a boundary or two, even unconsciously. We talk a lot about our partners needing to learn to respect our boundaries, but I believe we have to do the same when the tables are turned, i.e., practice what we preach, as best we can. When you feel that urge to break NC, take some deep breaths, feel your feelings, and post on the forum. We understand what you are going through.

heartandwhole

[Rayban]

H&W,


That is an excellent point. Learning to accept and doing what's best for us.

I'm at a point where my personal understanding of my relationship with a person suffering with BPD, allows me the opportunity to give help and guidance to do what is right and healthy to someone seeking guidance on these boards, but having difficulty implementing when it comes too crunch time with my BPD ex.

I have to repeat this but acceptance of what I've been through, and striving for the knowledge, experience, and advice to have me stay away.

[George23]

Izzy, my friend regularly says do not contact me or i'm blocking you or I'l never contact you again.  I always want to contact her it's hard it takes every ounce of energy I have not to respond. I know how you feel

[insideoutside]

Thank you all for your replies.  The urge to reach out has now passed so I will continue to sit on my hands and respect his boundaries.  I do hope that in the future we will be able to rekindle our friendship.  Its a shame it ended again because 'I'm too kind and caring'.  Never thought that would be the reason why someone would want to cut me out of their life but then we are talking about mental health illness here.

Patientandclear - yes you are correct; he is a boyfriend from 26 years ago.  I definitely didn't aim to be anything more than friends with him; it just seems that friendship is too much of a struggle for him at the moment so I have to just let it go which is incredibly hard really.

[patientandclear]

My impression was that he asked for no contact when you sent him something angry in response to him pulling away. If you have a better understanding of BPD dynamics and can tolerate his need for distance or at least apply boundaries without vitriol and shaming, it sounded like he was open to continued contact. His last message, as you recounted it, was asking for your understanding, not for no contact.

My ex wBPD asked for no contact once, when I'd been unusually sharp in my reaction to his withdrawal cycle. I later reached out to repair and apologize. There was no sense I was breaking his boundary. I had new information for him, which was that I regretted how I handled the end of our last interaction (mind you, this is the only time I have done that with him and I felt and feel the repair effort was warranted by efforts he too had been making).

Again, if you want to have him in your life, AND you can accept what sound like very significant limits on how he can interact with you, AND you feel this r/ship is compatible with other important r/ships in your life (I thought you felt you had fallen in love with him?) ... .I don't see why you can't reach out to him with some regret about how it unfolded last time and a pledge to hold boundaries this time around. (I urge you first to consider WHY you would want such a challenging dynamic so rife with potential for hurt.)

If you can't hold those boundaries, don't reach out. I would not underestimate how hard it is to maintain such boundaries with someone who seeks but then cuts off deep connection, as do many pwBPD, as did my ex.

If you do want to try to resume contact, I would switch boards to get some guidance on being less reactive to and hurt by typical BPD cycles. It takes a lot of practice to manage that in a way that is arguably healthy (if it can be done at all--which I rarely see).