Free at last Free at last

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well not quite but I'm on the road to freedom and recovery.

It took me 4 years of marriage to come to the understanding that I wasn't crazy and was probably married to someone with BPD.  I took the counselor's advice and separated from my wife.  A 3 year legal battle ensued (divorce) that went absolutely nowhere (except my bank account which ran away with the lawyer).  I was charmed back in by my wife love bombing me and doing all the things I so desperately wanted from her all along.  3 more years of beating my head against the wall and making no progress with anything led to more counseling.  My wife all the while self-righteously blaming me and professing her utter innocence.

So the past 3 years haven't been a complete loss as I've grown as a man and learned some hard lessons about what makes me tick.  The things that attracted me to my wife in the first place and my own issues whereby I let her keep on doing the same crap.  I've been standing up for myself and holding her accountable (well as accountable as the Teflon queen will allow).  This has led to some very bizarre behavior.  She's been acting like a scared abused animal and telling everyone as much.  She's only been sort of nice when she wants something and the rest of the time is full of anger and animosity.

Her support network has been vaporizing as people get tired of listening to the same junk from her and they realize she's the problem.  She's managed to work her way around most of our circle and very few people are left that will give her an ear.

This week she filed a protection order against me and the police came to tell me to leave my house.  What a shock.  I really didn't see that coming and still can't figure out what story she cooked up to get the judge to sign the order.  I'll find out on Monday and am expecting it to read like a comic book.  I've known for a while the relationship is over and quite honestly this time around is much easier in planning out long term goals without her.

So to all you who are tired, abused, and weary, there is hope.

[jonmnemonic]

Well not quite but I'm on the road to freedom and recovery.

It took me 4 years of marriage to come to the understanding that I wasn't crazy and was probably married to someone with BPD.  I took the counselor's advice and separated from my wife.  A 3 year legal battle ensued (divorce) that went absolutely nowhere (except my bank account which ran away with the lawyer).  I was charmed back in by my wife love bombing me and doing all the things I so desperately wanted from her all along.  3 more years of beating my head against the wall and making no progress with anything led to more counseling.  My wife all the while self-righteously blaming me and professing her utter innocence.

So the past 3 years haven't been a complete loss as I've grown as a man and learned some hard lessons about what makes me tick.  The things that attracted me to my wife in the first place and my own issues whereby I let her keep on doing the same crap.  I've been standing up for myself and holding her accountable (well as accountable as the Teflon queen will allow).  This has led to some very bizarre behavior.  She's been acting like a scared abused animal and telling everyone as much.  She's only been sort of nice when she wants something and the rest of the time is full of anger and animosity.

Her support network has been vaporizing as people get tired of listening to the same junk from her and they realize she's the problem.  She's managed to work her way around most of our circle and very few people are left that will give her an ear.

This week she filed a protection order against me and the police came to tell me to leave my house.  What a shock.  I really didn't see that coming and still can't figure out what story she cooked up to get the judge to sign the order.  I'll find out on Monday and am expecting it to read like a comic book.  I've known for a while the relationship is over and quite honestly this time around is much easier in planning out long term goals without her.

So to all you who are tired, abused, and weary, there is hope.

[Larmoyant]

Hi jonmnemonic, it's good to hear you're on the road to recovery and freedom. I think I might be joining you. Good luck on Monday. Your calmness in the face of that is inspiring.

[heartandwhole]

Hi jonmnemonic,

I'm sorry to hear about these recent events. I can understand your utter shock at your wife's accusations. You certainly sound like you've learned a lot over these last years. I don't think I'd feel as calm as you going into Monday's court date—I commend you for levelheaded assessment of the situation. Sounds like experience has served you well, although I wish it hadn't been so painful. 

You mentioned plans: what are your short term and long term plans, if you'd like to share?

Let us know how it goes on Monday. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.

heartandwhole

[jonmnemonic]

Short term goals are to find a place to stay, get legal advice, and transfer the business of my life to a new location.

Long term goals are to cut this cancer completely out of my life and do that in an assertive but non-aggressive way.  I still love my wife and will continue treating her with love but that doesn't mean I will continue being mistreated by her or catering to her grandiose entitlements.

[jonmnemonic]

Quick update for those interested... .

Finally found out what I'm being accused of and like I thought it reads like a comic book.  Good record keeping means I'll be able to easily disprove her accusations.  Now to put it all in a sensible format without being too long winded.