Hello from An Only Daughter of BPD Mother

[Eggmouse]

Hi There,

Through therapy, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm an adult child of a BPD mother. As an only daughter, I have been my mother's sole source of emotional (and sometimes financial) support when she has lost one job after another, cut people out of her life, indiscriminately lashed out at strangers, exacted revenge on people she thinks have slighted her, and so on, over the past 20 or so years. I'm now in my early thirties and in a long-term relationship that she has been trying to sabotage for going on 4 years. Before that she managed to keep me close by planting doubts about anyone I dated. I broke up with at least one person because my mother made my life hell until I did -- and then berated me for my failed relationship after the fact.

My mother and I have been homeless together. We've lived in near-derelict apartments together. Yet since I've moved out -- even moved to another country-- and started to really enforce my own boundaries I've been going through the most difficult period of my life. I feel guilty that she's entirely alone, becoming increasingly mentally ill. I can barely speak with her because she's constantly angry at me, accusing me of being selfish and a bad daughter and so on. Currently we're "no contact" -- she's cut me out of her life. And yet she's a brilliant, educated, funny, charming, creative person who can make me feel wonderful -- if she chooses to. I miss the good moments with her.

I've learned that one of the lasting effects of my mother's abuse is that I don't know how to make close friends, or be really close with anyone but my partner. Even friends I've known for 20-plus years know me to be cagey, mistrustful, and quiet. So there are very few people I can speak with about this, even though I ache for close friendship and for good female friends (that term, "always a bridesmaid"? I'd actually love to be able to say that was me, but have never been good enough friends with anyone to have been asked). I simply don't know how to reach out, and am terrified of being a burden.

I recognize that this is a breakthrough moment and hope that things will improve as I continue to enforce boundaries. It's a relief to see that there is some support for children of BPD parents online here.

Thanks for reading.

[mimi1977]

 Hi! While I'm not an only daughter, my two younger half-sister are 11 and 16 years younger than I am so having a single BPD mom with no family and friends (and who is currently homeless) meant most of the care for her and sometimes my siblings fell on me. I completely understand where you're coming from. I wish I had some awesome advice to give you but I am just now finding this message board, books, and therapy  to help me figure out how to move forward with my life in a peaceful way so it stops affecting my immediate family.  Just know that you're not alone and although rare there are lots of people out there that have felt your pain and I really hope things get better for you. So far Stop Walking On Eggshells, Stop Caretaking the Borderline and especially Understanding the Borderline Mother Helping her Children Transend, have helped me a great deal in at least knowing my feelings are and thoughts are legitimate. If your main area of grief is guilt I'd skip the sections that talk about why she is the way she is (since that just made me feel even worse for her) and go right to the how to help yourself chapters.  Just my two cents. Someone else wrote in here that children are never responsible for their parents emotions and I've been repeating that to myself a ton the last few days.

[scaredy-cat]

Welcome.

It's very hard going from an emotional support beam to suddenly being free of the weight because all that worry/stress has no where to go of the sudden you start thinking you should have done more (FOG: fear, obligation, guilt), especially if they start spiraling downward.

Hold on to the good moments, but do take a critical look at them.  If they were honestly good moments, cherish them.  I had a 'good' visit with my parents a few months ago, at least that's what I thought until I realized that the entire visit I was belittled and criticized but just because it wasn't as bad as usual didn't mean that it was good.

I totally agree that it is hard to make friends when you have someone who has spent your life sewing seeds of distrust in your relationships.  Abusive people isolate their targets and try to crumple the foundations for future healthy relationships because it means that targets won't have anyone else to fall back on.  Learning to trust again is one of the hardest steps in moving forward and making friends because it means making yourself vulnerable to someone else. 

Friendship is never a burden, it's a give and take relationship.  It's also not being a burden to need help.  Everyone needs help at one time or another.  But it is hard to reach out.  It tends to be easier to reach out anonymously, simply because the vulnerability level is lower.  Though, I remember when I first started posting I was terrified of what people would say.

But, Welcome.  And don't be afraid to 'talk it out' on the boards.

SC