What happened here?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So here's the deal, me and this girl both had problems.

I'm co dependent and I'm making this post because I want to figure out if I was the one that fully led to this relationship falling a-part or if she was somewhat responsible, too.

We both met when we were 25. This was my first relationship ever. I was a shy kid growing up, so I never had much luck with women. When we first met she adored me. I could literally do nothing wrong. She would always call, text me first, but me things and come over for sex and dinner 2-3 times a week. Since I am not used to this kind of affection from a woman I was in heaven but was always wondering when it would end, so I tried not to get too emotionally invested, i.e. I had a life outside of her.

She on the other hand came from a dysfunctional family. Her and her Mom are very close and her Mom hates her Dad. Her Mother often told her that the sound of her father's voice made her sick. Therefore, my ex had some poor views on men in general. She was a self proclaimed feminist. Every now and then she would tell me stories about how she could be really mean to people in the past. These were people from school or strangers that she would "tell off" if they made her made. She always recounted these stories with a chuckle as opposed to having any type of guilt about treating people like this. In fact, on our third date she told me she "wasn't a very nice person".

But she was so nice and kind towards me. I even forgot her birthday 6 months into the relationship and she didn't get mad at all. Whenever I would hear stories about her being mean to someone I would jokingly say "Whoa, I can't imagine what you're going to do to me when you're sick on me". She would immediately say "Oh, NO I would NEVER do that to you". How ironic... keep reading.

After a year and a one year anniversary trip to Boston together I could feel her distancing herself a bit and one night after she told me she had to "work late" on Friday, thus blowing off our plans, I got real insecure and broke up with her. She immediately agreed that we should break up and acted like she didn't care! After a year! I called her a few days later and profusely apologized telling her that I made a mistake and didn't want to break up with her and she simply and very coldly said no. I couldn't understand how she could so quickly emotionally detach from me.

I kept trying for the next month and a half and finally wound up in the hospital after having a bit of a nervous breakdown. Unbelievably she came and visited me in the hospital! We said "I love you" for the first time and that we wanted to try the relationship again. I was thrilled and the next two months were great. We were saying I love you every day and really making an effort... until I caught her texting another guy. She claimed it was nothing to worry about but didn't act concerned or even sorry that I was upset. We had a big fight about it and she broke up with me the next day. She coldly left me and told me to leave her alone. I was devastated. Two months after she told me she loved me in the hospital to telling me to leave her alone.

I pursued her for a month until she issued a restraining order on me. I'm destroyed. How could she be so loving and kind and caring one day and coldly leaving me the next and now the restraining order.

Help me.

[jinglebells1989]

So here's the deal, me and this girl both had problems.

I'm co dependent and I'm making this post because I want to figure out if I was the one that fully led to this relationship falling a-part or if she was somewhat responsible, too.

We both met when we were 25. This was my first relationship ever. I was a shy kid growing up, so I never had much luck with women. When we first met she adored me. I could literally do nothing wrong. She would always call, text me first, but me things and come over for sex and dinner 2-3 times a week. Since I am not used to this kind of affection from a woman I was in heaven but was always wondering when it would end, so I tried not to get too emotionally invested, i.e. I had a life outside of her.

She on the other hand came from a dysfunctional family. Her and her Mom are very close and her Mom hates her Dad. Her Mother often told her that the sound of her father's voice made her sick. Therefore, my ex had some poor views on men in general. She was a self proclaimed feminist. Every now and then she would tell me stories about how she could be really mean to people in the past. These were people from school or strangers that she would "tell off" if they made her made. She always recounted these stories with a chuckle as opposed to having any type of guilt about treating people like this. In fact, on our third date she told me she "wasn't a very nice person".

But she was so nice and kind towards me. I even forgot her birthday 6 months into the relationship and she didn't get mad at all. Whenever I would hear stories about her being mean to someone I would jokingly say "Whoa, I can't imagine what you're going to do to me when you're sick on me". She would immediately say "Oh, NO I would NEVER do that to you". How ironic... keep reading.

After a year and a one year anniversary trip to Boston together I could feel her distancing herself a bit and one night after she told me she had to "work late" on Friday, thus blowing off our plans, I got real insecure and broke up with her. She immediately agreed that we should break up and acted like she didn't care! After a year! I called her a few days later and profusely apologized telling her that I made a mistake and didn't want to break up with her and she simply and very coldly said no. I couldn't understand how she could so quickly emotionally detach from me.

I kept trying for the next month and a half and finally wound up in the hospital after having a bit of a nervous breakdown. Unbelievably she came and visited me in the hospital! We said "I love you" for the first time and that we wanted to try the relationship again. I was thrilled and the next two months were great. We were saying I love you every day and really making an effort... until I caught her texting another guy. She claimed it was nothing to worry about but didn't act concerned or even sorry that I was upset. We had a big fight about it and she broke up with me the next day. She coldly left me and told me to leave her alone. I was devastated. Two months after she told me she loved me in the hospital to telling me to leave her alone.

I pursued her for a month until she issued a restraining order on me. I'm destroyed. How could she be so loving and kind and caring one day and coldly leaving me the next and now the restraining order.

Help me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi jinglebells1989,



I'm sorry to hear of your breakup. That is really difficult.    It hurts so much to break up, but when the ending comes so suddenly and coldly, it can really hit us hard. I can understand feeling destroyed. It sounds dramatic, but I felt shattered, too, after my breakup with pwBPD.

The good news is that with time and effort, things can really get better for you. They have for me and many others here. This community not only has members who understand what you are going through, but the site has tons of tools and resources to help you recover from this loss and create healthier relationships in the future.

Was your girlfriend formally diagnosed, jinglebells? Your description does sound familiar in that someone with BPD often reacts terribly to real or perceived abandonment. Other features include unstable relationships and "push/pull" behavior. Similar to you, when I first got here, I was confused and couldn't understand what had just happened to me. Here is an article that really helped me get a grip on what I was dealing with:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

If you have time to read it, I'd love to know what you think.

How are you holding up emotionally? How have your friends and family reacted? Are they supportive? It really helps to have a good support system around you at this time. I found a therapist that helped me understand why I was so devastated after this breakup (previous breakups hadn't had quite the same effect on me).

Keep writing, it really helps. You can get through this and thrive again. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[jinglebells1989]

She's never been formally diagnosed with anything that I know of.

I just don't understand, she seemed so normal caring and loving for 90% of the relationship, but when I opened up to her a bit more and trusted her a bit more and pursued a real relationship with her, not just one involving sex, she seemed to take that power shift dynamic and really become a different person.

It just hurts so much to think that she never really cared at all. It's been 3 months and I'm still devastated.