trying to find extra support for myself and possibly mother

[doxietaurus]

I started going to therapy 2 years ago after I ended an abusive relationship to work through some of the loose ends I still had from that relationship. Within those sessions, I learned a lot about myself and the situations I grew up in. I had a lot of guilt about the abuse in my relationship, continuing to think that I pushed him the his limit and he had no other choice to hit me or pull my hair or throw me against the wall. Besides, my mother did that when I was young and I would mouth off to her.

Over the course of about 8 months, I confided in my therapist telling her that I always lacked self confidence, was always pushed to do better when I was younger even if that meant making my 89 on a test a 94, I told her a lot about my childhood and what that looked like. I told her, "i don't want to be like my mom". We discussed over many sessions the way my mom has made me feel over the years- dependent on her (even though I was already living out of my home and graduated from college with a teaching position), belittled, the need for everything I did to be validated by her, and the way she would fly off the handle at the drop of a hat when I cleaned up spilled milk with the "wrong towel" or when I suggested taking a new job and she screamed at me on the phone at the top of her lungs for 20 minutes before she hung up. I sit here and explain these things to my therapist, only to find myself in a new relationship 2 years after ending my abusive relationship acting like... .my mother.

Getting very angry at the drop of a hat and belittling my boyfriend and doing everything I can do make him feel like the size of a pea. Anger has always been a difficult part of my life. When I was a teenager and arguments occurred in my home, my mother would follow me around the house trying to escalate the argument, to the point where it would get physical. My therapist and I concluded that my mother may have some type of BPD. She asked if my mother would be willing to come to sessions. I responded with a firm, "no". My mother laughs at me when I tell her I have the flu let alone come to a therapy session which she rolls her eyes at every time I tell her I have an "appointment". I have done better with creating boundaries with my mother (she used to call me once a day or text and if I did not answer she repeatedly called my phone and if no answer, she would begin to track me down via my friends, boyfriends, etc.) She is irritated by this and I know it.

Long story short... .I am beginning to think I am exhibiting BPD traits myself. This is ironic that I cannot regulate my own emotions or behaviors given the fact that I hold a master's degree in behavior analysis. My recent feelings of this are because I have always had a distorted sense of myself (sometimes being fat, some days being pretty, other days looking at myself in the mirror and thinking who would want me? and some days not even recognizing myself), I feel as if I am self-sabotaging my relationship with my very supportive boyfriend because each time we fight , I threaten to leave or break up. I use my past as an excuse that I don't want "things to escalate" but no red flags of abuse have gone up. When my boyfriend and I met back in June 2015, like all new relationships, everything was great. About 8 months later, I pulled back and closed myself off. I felt as if all of my other relationships resulted in everyone leaving, so I must prepare for the inevitable which is him leaving. I also become very angry and small arguments such as him talking about his feelings and how I am so closed off. I begin to throw things, slam doors, and immediately leave the house.

Overall, I am angry and confused. My boyfriend and I have began seeing my therapist together. We have only gone to one session together but I am seeing a pattern in myself and I want to try and stop it before it's too late and I can't get out of the cycle. I looked for community support groups, but there are no BPD groups in my area. Any suggestions or feedback would be appreciated. Thank you

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Doxietaurus! 

So glad you discovered our site.  You will find so many others here who will be able to relate to your story, who can offer listening ears to help you along your journey to discovery and education about BPD and about yourself.

No wonder you are reacting to this new relationship when you pause and take a look backwards over the training you received as a child. I am so sorry that your mom treated you this way. It was and is wrong and abusive. No child deserves such treatment. The welcoming arms and warm heart of a loving parent are necessary to embrace a child as they grow and learn to see the world in healthy ways. Those of us with a BPD parent, such as you and I, we learned distortions and adopted the projections of a mentally ill parent, but to us it was our normal.

Kudos to you that you are examining this defining time in your life, because it holds the keys to your present.  Keep going to that T. Keep working on understanding. Read, absorb, learn. Each false belief you challenge can be unlearned and replaced with the truth.

Anger has always been a difficult part of my life.

Anger is typically a cover up for other feelings which you may already be aware of given your training. What feelings do you think hide behind your anger? Are you able to identify what you may be feeling? If that is a challenge to you, please take a look at this link:

www.psychpage.com/learning/library/assess/feelings.html

It took me a few years into T to begin to discover what my own feelings were. I didn't even know that they existed because I had done such a good job to cover them up and bury them. To show them to my uBPDm meant punishment beyond my ability to handle. As a survival tool, us kids learn to bury our feelings. Do you think this is what happened to you too?

I am beginning to think I am exhibiting BPD traits myself. This is ironic that I cannot regulate my own emotions or behaviors given the fact that I hold a master's degree in behavior analysis

I understand the fear of being BPD too when typical behaviors of our mom start to pop out from us. So many other members have the same fear. There is however, a difference between BPD and learned behaviors. What has been learned can also be unlearned. A PD needs to be handled differently.

Have you ever read the book Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman? If you could take the opportunity to pick it up and begin reading the pages, you may find a common thread running through your veins. It has been a bible of sorts to me, especially as I began to understand what affects my uBPDm had on me.

Looking forward to keeping in touch with you here at bpdfamily. 

 
Wools

[doxietaurus]

Thank you so much for your reply and reassuring words. Covering up my legitimate feelings such as feeling hurt or disappointed or even crying was never allowed in my home as a child. I always tell others, I was raised on tough love. While that has made me very independent and able to "brush things off" I don't believe I ever truly "feel" anything. I cry in private for fear that others will think I am weak. Even after my split from my abusive ex, my mom caught me crying one night and told me to "get the ?-/ over it already". I have been able to open up lately to my current boyfriend and allow him to see me upset but this mostly happens after a fit of rage and anger when I finally calm down and realize what I have just done. The crying and emotions I feel are mostly guilt and embarrassment for the way I have acted. I will pick up the book you recommended as I am currently reading "the walk of anger" recommended by my therapist. I am very worried and hurting inside because I don't want to lose my relationship over this. I am begging my boyfriend to be patient til I can sort things out but he seems to be more and more frustrated.

It is very difficult and almost never happens where I can express my emotions accurately. I immediately turn to anger right away. I feel like it's just the way I've been programmed. I don't want to be like this and I want to be able to feel and show my boyfriend the way I feel for him all the time instead of when I'm recovering from a 3 hour long episode crying in his arms. Sometimes I feel it would be best for me to be alone so that I don't disappoint him any longer or if it's worth it for me to stick it out and keep my head up and pretend nothing is wrong.

[scaredy-cat]

I immediately turn to anger right away. I feel like it's just the way I've been programmed. I don't want to be like this and I want to be able to feel and show my boyfriend the way I feel for him all the time instead of when I'm recovering from a 3 hour long episode crying in his arms.

When you grow up with someone with BPD you ARE programmed to either take it or be angry.  Those are the two choices.  Why?  Because anger is not a vulnerability. At least, not in the BPD world.  I was the same way when I got out of the house.  When my husband and I first started dating he understood that I had issues from my parents, what he had trouble with was the fact that I had no idea how I was feeling.  If I got angry and he asked me what emotion I was feeling I would burst into tears because I had no idea and felt like I should know.  I mean, after all, what kind of person doesn't know how they feel?  Well, if  you've been denying you had emotions for long enough, you kind of forget what they are. 

Growing up, if I was sad, Mother would 'give me a reason' to be sad.  If I was happy, well she had to take me down a peg.  But if I was angry/upset, well, then she was doing her job right and could feel superior in the horrible daughter she raised and she left me alone.

Once you start healing and accepting that you have emotions, anger is the one that crops up the most and tends to cover everything.  (Well, that and really strong grief.  Those were the first two that I could pick out, at least.) 

Don't just pretend nothing is wrong.  Lying to other people just makes it easier to lie to yourself.  It's not easy to be honest with yourself.  To understand you're hurting and to be able to forgive yourself for the injuries you've accrued.  It's okay to be angry, it's okay to be furious, and it's okay to be hurting.  And once you give yourself permission to feel your emotions, then you can start dealing with them.     You'll also find that if you can accept that it's okay to get angry, you won't get as angry. You've probably heard it before, but If you find yourself angry, walk away from the situation until you've calmed down.  Tell your BF that you need some time to think it over/work it out, then after you've sorted through your feelings, come back & have a conversation.  It's less hurtful for both parties that way.

They used to call those bad habits picked up from the people with BPD in our lives 'fleas'.

SC