Undiagnosed in hard times with kids

[Nicke]

My SO has all the characteristics of higher functioning BPD with some NPD as well.  He can seem totally rational and told our couples therapist how I don't listen to him, I don't care what he wants for our children, etc.  But over many sessions, his rage came out and he started yelling at me in therapy about our older daughter not brushing her teeth in the bathroom.  I think my therapist can clearly see the issue now as DH has talked about feelings of exclusion when I'm with others, whether my mother, my friends, or my co-workers.  Anytime I go anywhere, especially with the children and without him, it's a major problem with a lot of accusations.

He is about to start therapy himself, and I found someone with experience with BPD and some of the therapies listed in "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  He knows he can "be negative" and get stuck in "negative emotional spirals."  I also have talked to him about rejection, and he has admitted to pushing others away with self-fulfilling prophecies where he keeps accusing them, suspecting them, not trusting them, until they finally leave.  Well, we are married, have been for almost 10 years, with two children, 4 1/2 and 8.  There was a perfect storm of incidents that isolated us together quite a bit for much of our relationship:  kidney transplant (his) and following illness, my pregnancy, moving far away from family/friends, second pregnancy.  I was always right there.  And while I was always comfortable with the fact that his negative tendencies were not a reflection of me but rather a problem he had, I figured he was just antisocial.  But now that I have some good friends, the kids are in school, as I try to do my own things, his rage, jealousy, and suspicion have grown.  He's accused me of being unfaithful (because I was working online and had to often use my phone in evening to check students' posts).  A lot of accusations and assumptions, and also odd engagements where he seems to want to pick on anything, criticize, etc.

The problem is that while I think he can get help and improve, he is also very set in his ways and has a strong sense of entitlement and superiority (odd given no sense of self and all derived from whether he is feeling adequately attended to by me and even by the girls).  I am not longer romantically interested in him what with all the accusations and lack of trust.  I just don't feel that way.  I've had to tell him I'm not interested and I don't want to pretend.  I sleep in the other room.  He is up and down really badly these days, pressing me to ask what I'm doing to change things.  I remind him he has a responsibility to himself.  I think I need to leave him, but certainly can't yet, I don't think. 

Any support or suggestions/questions welcome.

N

[Mutt]

Hi Nicke,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Its an uncomfortable spot to be in when there's uncertainty about the future if the r/s and the family.

I recall sleeping on our couch for several months and the silent treatments, the emotional detachment, you could cut the tension in the house with a knife.

This is the co-parenting board, you may want to post on the undecided board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0

A pwBPD and NPD have low self worth and low self esteem, a pwBPD self loath and self hate, the person is hyper critical on themselves, you could try using validation, validate your SO's feelings, a pwBPD need a lot of validation.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

What are your boundaries when he gets into a rage? How are the kids? What do you do.for self care?

[Nicke]

Hi Nicke,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Its an uncomfortable spot to be in when there's uncertainty about the future if the r/s and the family.

I recall sleeping on our couch for several months and the silent treatments, the emotional detachment, you could cut the tension in the house with a knife.

This is the co-parenting board, you may want to post on the undecided board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0

A pwBPD and NPD have low self worth and low self esteem, a pwBPD self loath and self hate, the person is hyper critical on themselves, you could try using validation, validate your SO's feelings, a pwBPD need a lot of validation.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

What are your boundaries when he gets into a rage? How are the kids? What do you do.for self care?

As far as his rage, I try hard to empathize with his feelings, using things like, that must be hard, and I hear he is feeling X--sometimes he says that doesn't help him, that it might help the kids but not him.  He wants my constant attention, but spends so much time criticizing.  I add truth after the empathy, and he just argues with that, maybe getting mad, maybe jumping to another tangent.  I try to listen a lot.  Because we've started couples therapy, things have come out, like I have felt unsupported in anything I might want to do with my life, and that I've come to a point where I am no longer interested in him romantically, which is driving him crazy, but I've decided that it's a limit for me, and I'm not going to be physically intimate out of obligation.  He has stated in this last year that he doesn't trust me, has no idea what I'm doing, suspects all my friends, claims I care about them more, claims I don't care about him.  I try the "it must be hard to feel that way" and then try to say I do care deeply.  I try to keep it simple.  Now I'm about to go out of town--a dear friend is at the end of her life.  He is panicked and really stepped up all criticism / rage.  I'll see my therapist tomorrow. 

I try to take time to do things I like to do, think about things that bring me joy, spend time outside.

Thanks for recommendations.  I'll go to other board.

N

[Mutt]

Hi Nicke,

It sounds like you're "tuned in" with your H and have knowledge. All we can do is try the tools, the tools don't always work. When a pwBPD is dysregulated, they're more in an emotional place than a logical one, he needs to self sooth, the best thing to do us remove yourself from the situation. You could say that you're running for an errand, and you'll be back at such and such a time for reassurance because a pwBPD may perceive that we're abandoning them, even if it's something that's a routine.