Close call over the last few days

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am back to the boards after a break for a few years.  I imagine that things started to go better at home and I drifted away.  But during this year I found out my BPDh was cheating and realized what a dishonest liar he is.  So we split in August and I am determined this will be the last time.

Over the last 2 weeks he has been turning up the charm and all of the idealization has been flooding my common sense.  By Saturday night I allowed myself to cuddle with him and he spent the night but I knew something was wrong.  I knew I was getting h.o.o.vered and couldn't seem to get my wits about me. 

Thankfully yesterday I had an email from the BPD family here which reminded me that there is a place for support and information.  I spent a lot of time yesterday reading and reminding myself of the tortuous hell my life has been for the last 15 years.  It gave me the strength to tell him last night that I am not entering back into a relationship with him.  Naturally this triggered all of the negative responses you can imagine.  Which further reminded me why I can't go back.

As most of you know, it is hard to break free.  I love him. I especially love the ideal him.  But now that I know what he is capable of - lying and cheating - on top of the anger and hatred all the trust is broken and there is no way I will live like that again.  It is hard though.  We have a daughter so I will never be able to go NC.  I will have to be firm with boundaries and I know the road ahead won't be smooth.

But my freedom and having my life back is worth it.  I have to detach and I appreciate all of the posts and shared information here that will help me along the way.

[Aboutme2011]

I am back to the boards after a break for a few years.  I imagine that things started to go better at home and I drifted away.  But during this year I found out my BPDh was cheating and realized what a dishonest liar he is.  So we split in August and I am determined this will be the last time.

Over the last 2 weeks he has been turning up the charm and all of the idealization has been flooding my common sense.  By Saturday night I allowed myself to cuddle with him and he spent the night but I knew something was wrong.  I knew I was getting h.o.o.vered and couldn't seem to get my wits about me. 

Thankfully yesterday I had an email from the BPD family here which reminded me that there is a place for support and information.  I spent a lot of time yesterday reading and reminding myself of the tortuous hell my life has been for the last 15 years.  It gave me the strength to tell him last night that I am not entering back into a relationship with him.  Naturally this triggered all of the negative responses you can imagine.  Which further reminded me why I can't go back.

As most of you know, it is hard to break free.  I love him. I especially love the ideal him.  But now that I know what he is capable of - lying and cheating - on top of the anger and hatred all the trust is broken and there is no way I will live like that again.  It is hard though.  We have a daughter so I will never be able to go NC.  I will have to be firm with boundaries and I know the road ahead won't be smooth.

But my freedom and having my life back is worth it.  I have to detach and I appreciate all of the posts and shared information here that will help me along the way.

[heartandwhole]

Hi About2011,

I'm glad you are back, but very sorry for the reason. It is so painful to be confronted with cheating and lies, especially if things had seemed to be going okay for awhile. I think most of us here can relate to your feelings of "loving the ideal him." Accepting that the other part of our loved ones with BPD are equally "them," is the hard part. 

As you know, detachment is a process and it has its own ups and downs. We'll be with you every step of the way.

How long have you been together with your partner? How old is your daughter?

Things really DO get better, and you are not alone. Let us know how we can best support you.

heartandwhole

[Aboutme2011]

Hi heartandwhole,
We have been married for 15 years.  He has been so difficult over the years.  Our daughter is 13.  She is very happy that we are apart.  She couldn't handle the fighting anymore. 

I am really worried that I will take him back. 

[lovenature]

Our daughter is 13.  She is very happy that we are apart.  She couldn't handle the fighting anymore. 

I am really worried that I will take him back. 

Hi 2011

I have never had children, but I can tell you that it is very hurtful for a child to witness the fighting between parents. Please recognize that your daughter is very happy that you are apart from your partner. Really think about the overall health of your daughter, you, and your partner when you are confronted with the tough decision of taking him back or not.

[heartandwhole]

I am really worried that I will take him back. 

I can really understand that. Fifteen years is a long time. What do you think you can do to help you stay strong in your desire to detach from this relationship? Perhaps thinking about your daughter, if you can't do it for yourself yet?

Step by step, you can do this. 

heartandwhole