Seeking advice - veiled suicide threat today

[bestintentions]

I'm looking for some productive feedback on how any of you with similar experiences may have handled this. 

My divorce is nearly final.  My recent email exchanges with my stbx have been fine... .businesslike... .and almost even cordial.  She's thanked me for recent updates on our animals and the swift manner in which I've handled asset division.  Last night, I get a text from out of the blue (first in nearly 3 months): "I hope you're happy".  That's it.  I can't tell if this is her actually wishing me well, or if it's a sarcastic remark.  It became apparent today that it was the latter.

In a long text today, I was blamed for taking the children away (S19, D22) and that they've been her "reason for existing".  It ends with the line "So thank you for pulling the trigger".  What are my obligations here?  My T says to do what my gut tells me.  I doubt suicide will actually happen, but what have you all experienced?

Thanks,

bi

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi best-

"I hope you're happy". 

"reason for existing"

"So thank you for pulling the trigger"

The above messages are ambiguous, and could be a cry for help, a borderline in pull mode due to feeling abandoned, something to try and induce guilt, or something else.  Written communication is the weakest form, we get very little of the "real" message, it would take talking to her face to face to get the whole message of what she's really saying, and that doesn't sound like something you want to do?  Plus I'm not entirely up to speed on your story best, but an ex who is still emotionally enmeshed on some level with a borderline is likely the worst choice of people who can help.

If you really fear she may try and kill or injure herself, and you want to get involved, the important thing is act fast, don't hesitate, and take the threat, a less ambiguous threat, seriously.  There are many local resources everywhere and we can help you locate them if you want, but first, are you going to get involved?

[Warcleods]

Eeek,

She's bent that you're moving on.  With kids that age, it's not about them, it's completely about her.  They're old enough to make decisions on their own and have developed their own feelings.

It's tough to tell anyone how to respond to a suicide threat because only you and those closest to her know her patterns.  If you feel she is really in danger of hurting herself, it's best to alert authorities and let them handle it.  :)efinitely don't add anymore fuel to the fire she's raging and do your best not to respond.  She is soliciting a response from you.  

Good luck and think before acting.

[bestintentions]

I've been pondering this literally all day.  I'm going to run it by my children and see how they think it should be handled as well.  For better or worse, there is visual evidence to show them the reality of the situation.  She is their mother and they'll be far more involved down the road - that's my main concern right now.

FHTH - I'm frozen on whether or not to get involved.  I have no problem talking to her face-to-face if needed.  Time+distance+lexapro has given me perspective and an even-keeled, rational approach.  I'm not worried about being physically and emotionally vulnerable to a recycle attempt right now.  My T originally told me it was "pathetic" and to not respond.  She's made references to suicide before and it's been a topic of discussion over the course of our r/s, which was "addressed" many years ago with antidepressants. 

She blocked me in chat immediately after the message, FWIW.

[Kelli Cornett]

I might suggest to reach out to her family/friends or even the police if you are concerned.  Possible even a suicide hotline with the following information...

I have a person who I am concerned may be entertaining the idea of suicide but I am in no position to help or assist.  In fact I may trigger more damage.

That way someone is hopefully at least calling and checking on her emotional state and you may feel a bit relieved of the enormous pressure these ambiguous statements evoke.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've been pondering this literally all day.

Maybe that was her goal?

I'm going to run it by my children and see how they think it should be handled as well.

Are they close to her physically so they could do what the cops call a welfare check?

I'm frozen on whether or not to get involved.  I have no problem talking to her face-to-face if needed.  Time+distance+lexapro has given me perspective and an even-keeled, rational approach.  I'm not worried about being physically and emotionally vulnerable to a recycle attempt right now.  My T originally told me it was "pathetic" and to not respond.  She's made references to suicide before and it's been a topic of discussion over the course of our r/s, which was "addressed" many years ago with antidepressants. 

If it was me I'd vote no, don't get involved, for the simple reason that I would be the worst person to help, someone who is emotionally involved and not a mental health professional.  I like what your therapist said, trust your gut, if you're at a point where you can trust it again, a great feeling yes?

[bestintentions]

brahmin - she painted her whole family black over 15 years ago, in part due to the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother's bf.  My family was her family.  That's now dead.

FHTH - my D got a text saying ":)on't worry about me" after D told her mother that she and my son love her.

I knew the final stages were just going too smoothly.  My only hope for her is she bottoms out in a fashion that allows for eventual recovery.

[heartandwhole]

Hi bestintentions,

Another alternative response, now or in the future, could be to ask her directly if she is contemplating suicide (through text, if that is your mode of communication). Letting her know that you are prepared to take action to get her help (involving friends/acquaintances, police, hotline, etc.) may tamper things down if she is not seriously considering it.

It's always difficult to interpret others' intentions, especially in text message format. Your only obligation is to yourself and your children, of course, and you know your wife better than anyone. If somehow the threat were serious, however, it would be better for everyone to take action. What do you think?

heartandwhole

[One key]

the mechanism is this:
1) she "suggests" to commit suicide because of something you did or did not.
2) she hopes on you reaction out of your guilt feeling
3) she hopes that you will feel obliged to do something because one does not leave people behind who are about to die. ( even wgen iit is thru suicide)

You see the FOG ( Fear, Obligation , Guilt) jumping on you.

If legislation obliges you to warn professionals (911) in such cases, than i would text her back that you saw her messages, you read them as possible suicide attempts and informed the professionals and that she can expect them to visit her unless she calls 911 herself and cancels it.

If you dont have that legal obligation and you striving for NC than i would do nothing at all.

If you dont have that legal obligation and you have to have LC, than you have to make a boundary and tell her that
1) you do not appreciate her unclear messages suggesting suicide, and that more messages in that sense will reduce contactmoments further
2) that the separation is final as far as you are concerned
3) that next time you feel she is suicidal you call in the professionals

We are dealing with impulsive, opportinistic and scrupuless persons here that try to rent space in your head. They play according to their rules, not to yours.
If you dont want to be played by them and dont like their rules, than you have to be firm. You did not cause it ( though she tends to make you belueve you did), you cant cure it ( thoughs she thinks you can) and you cant control it.

My ex gf tried in my presence at least three times to kill herself. And threathened to do so many more times. Making quite a show out of it. You just cant get involved in that kind of things.

Dont make the mistake to think that you help her when you reach out.
You cant help her.
At best professional people can if she allows them to.

If you find it hard, than think of all the people that are sick and want to live and are clinging on to it doing everything they can to stay alive.