staying grounded during holidays with BPD family member

[Andrea2]

Hi everyone,

I posted here before. 

I just realized that I may have grown up with a BPD step dad and that my sibling married a BPD and he may have a mood disorder himself.  I developed an anxiety disorder and have fought to stay grounded for the past 20+ years.  While I tend to be attractive to the BPD as I am very empathetic and sensitive, these same people really know how to trigger me.  They either play into trying to get my empathy and if they can't manipulate me to get what they want (attention, praise, never ending list of demands), they shut me off during sensitive times such as birthdays and holidays.  I've done a lot of personal therapy to be more grounded but still can get very triggered, especially when I'm stressed or close to the holidays.

Any suggestions for self-care before going into holiday period? 

Thanks!
A2

[Kwamina]

Hi A2

The holidays are a stressfull period for many of us who are dealing with disordered family-members. Many of our members have struggled with anxiety. You have been working hard on healing yourself and have been fighting to stay grounded for more than 20 years now which is a significant achievement

What has made you realize that your stepdad might be BPD? Were it perhaps the similiraties you see between your step dad and your BPD sister-n-law?

Self-care is indeed very important. We cannot change the people with BPD in our lives if they do not want to change, but what we can change is what we do ourselves and how we take care of ourselves. To help you stay calm I encourage you to explore mindfulness and meditation. You have been dealing with this for a long time so you might already have looked into these things, but consdiering your concerns I think it would be good to take (another) look at them. I have found that  mindfulness and meditation helps me stay in the present and calm my mind while at the same time giving me more focus and clarity.

To help you more strongly and clearly express and assert yourself to your BPD family-members, I also encourage you to take a look at some of the structured communication techniques described on this site:

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

These structured ways of communicating can help us minimize the likelihood of further conflict, while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. They also help us stay more calm ourselves. Were you already familiar with these techniques?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[HappyChappy]

Hi Andrea2,

Very perceptive of you to pick up that BPD target those with loads of empathy. That is a common trait among children of BPD. I tend to use medium chill on anyone that’s seams a bit PD. This is where you show little interest or emotion, indifference, without ignoring them. So you’re hiding you empathy and demonstrating you can’t be triggered (or manipulated). But if you are being easily triggered then that will be hard.

Being easily triggered may indicate you have PTSD, children of BPD parents tend to have eating disorders or PTSD (which makes you anxious) as the two most common ailments. CBT is good for that or being triggered in general. There is also medication, so if you haven’t already, I would explore all this with you Dr. It helped me no ends, and I held out going to the Dr way to long.

It is good you are aware stress makes you more easily triggered. So I tend to avoid triggers when stressed, but more importantly try to avoid stress full stop. Walk in the country, Mindfulness, Yoga have helped me. Art and being creative can also help. What things do you currently do ? Have you tried any Therapy ?