How different is a non-BPD relationship?

[bobcat2014]

I almost certain that the majority of my many relationships have been with disordered females. Granted that was years ago, with exception to my marriage, but none the less, I now recognize a disturbing pattern with the types I am really attracted to, ie, good looking (8/10 and up) crazy women that created excitement and needed my help. These women came from all walks of life but all shared the same common disorder attributes... .looking back.   

With that said... .How different is an actual normal relationship to that of a BPD one?

I would feel off (guilty) if the transaction process was no longer the norm for fulfilling minimal needs. Add in the fact that the lack of drama would seem strange as well.

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi bobcat,

I'm sure a lot of us can relate to you. I was always very "nervous" or "uncomfortable" with dating/commitments. I'd say it was more or less a general fear. I think it boiled down to an uncomfortable relationship with my mother. I never had much luck with dating because when someone was actually interested in me I would get really nervous or come up with excuses and stop talking to them. The one time it did really work out was with my expwBPD-fiance. Then it was crazy fast love.

That relationship didn't end well at all... .long story short she started dating a co-worker just a few days after our wedding shower. Supposedly just a friend but the relationship collapsed soon afterwards and he was the replacement. So yeah, typical, I realize now.

Just after that I tried to seriously date but realized I wasn't myself for a long time. Eventually I joined eharmony when I felt ready and just talked myself into fighting past the discomfort of intimacy.

My wife is almost the opposite of my former fiance. She's quiet, still gets upset occasionally, but not nearly the same volume and magnitude as before. I also allow myself to be frustrated. We tend to get over things very quickly because we're not young and in our 20s. We're one of those couples who seemed to wait longer for whatever reason. I feel like our relationship is pretty much drama-free. We love each other and go about our daily lives together. Once my pastor said, "The best marriages are boring. Those kind of marriages don't make it to reality TV." More and more I think that's true. I think my wife and I are both "in" the relationship equally and want it to succeed and want to do our share to make it work. I'm becoming more and more comfortable with someone who is very good and very safe for me. It's a good feeling but it took a lot of work on my part to get there.

[bobcat2014]

FMA,

I am very happy for you. The only time we have quiet is when she is uber medicated or projecting onto someone else (co-worker, family, etc). I could not image having a relationship were I didn't have my guard up 24/7. Even during "good times" I just wait for something to drop.

Obviously I am also a mess and know it would take time to remember who I actually am.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey bobcat, The lack of drama doesn't seem strange; instead, it feels wonderful to be in a peaceful r/s with a warm and thoughtful person who is supportive of me.  I don't need to keep my guard up because we are respectful of one another and she's a kind person, so no matter what happens, I know she'll be considerate.  It's quite liberating, actually.  We can both be ourselves, which feels good.

To answer your question, I would say that a normal, healthy r/s is far different from a BPD r/s.  It took me a long time and a lot of work to figure it out, but I can confirm that it's do-able.

LuckyJim

[Hmcbart]

I found that hanging out with normal couples only causes more issues for me.  Once I start to open up and say things that normal people don't flip out about, it starts to feel good.  Then I go back to reality after leaving and realize that I do have to censor what I say in her presence.  Even when it's right and normal, it's wrong.

[Lucky Jim]

I found that hanging out with normal couples only causes more issues for me.  Once I start to open up and say things that normal people don't flip out about, it starts to feel good.  Then I go back to reality after leaving and realize that I do have to censor what I say in her presence.  Even when it's right and normal, it's wrong.

Hey Hmcbart, To me, that sounds like an inauthentic life.  I should know, because I pretended that things were OK for years in a marriage to a pwBPD, when I knew deep down that things were not OK.  What are your thoughts about how you might go about changing the dynamic?  Otherwise, as I did, you may find yourself living a lie and leading a life of quiet desperation, which is a common thread for people on this Board.

LuckyJim

[Notwendy]

Bobcat, I think there are many attractive women out there, but a particular type is the one on your radar. My mother has a certain magnetism, even at her age. Some men are just drawn to her.

I've seen this with some friends. I have a guy friend who has been married a couple of times, has dated in between, and always ends up with a 10/10 hot woman.  Our friendship is sister-brother. I don't have a rating with him- cause he doesn't see me on that scale. I'm not his type. He might have a more stable relationship with someone different, but he wants what he wants and likes what he likes and has come to accept this about himself.

I think that who we are attracted to is not something we are conscious of. Instant chemistry feels great but it isn't an indicator of stability. I think a non BPD relationship involves a different chemistry over time and to find that means changing one's idea of attraction and romance. Someone who is stable and emotionally mature will seek someone else who matches them. To be with a person who is capable of an emotionally healthy relationship, I think we have to really be motivated to work on our idea of attraction and relationships.

[jonmnemonic]

Being with a non-PD woman is like a drink of cold water on a hot day.  It's a night and day difference but to truly appreciate a healthy relationship you'll need to deal with whatever it is that attracts and keeps you in unhealthy relationships.

[jrharvey]

Being with a non-PD woman is like a drink of cold water on a hot day.  It's a night and day difference but to truly appreciate a healthy relationship you'll need to deal with whatever it is that attracts and keeps you in unhealthy relationships.

Im not sure about that. Ironically enough I get a "bored" feeling with women without some drama or craziness. I always called it passion but its something else. I realized that's the type of girl I was searching for. There are deep scars in my childhood that caused this but its still very real. This is why most people leaving a BPD relationship should take a break from dating and see a therapist to work out their own issues.

[Grey Kitty]

I now recognize a disturbing pattern with the types I am really attracted to, ie, good looking (8/10 and up) crazy women that created excitement and needed my help. These women came from all walks of life but all shared the same common disorder attributes... .looking back. 

Having a physical type you are attracted to is part of being human. Honestly, I don't think I'd worry about that too much, especially when you aren't dating actively!

That they are "crazy" and "needed your help" is also part of your type, and it seems to be much more detrimental. There's some work on yourself before you are interested in people who are healthy and complete without you, and don't *NEED* your help.

Do you find that crazy, drama-creating people find their way into your life from all directions, friends, coworkers, etc.?