Hi ShadowA-
And welcome! Yes, it can be easy, when a borderline turns on the idealization, to get caught up in it, like an addiction to a drug, and ride that wave until it crashes.
Can you tell us more of your story? Honestly 25 recycles has as much to do with you as it does her, and there's great value and growth potential in digging into what's really going on, what you are making things mean, and why you do the things you do. Are you currently in a relationship with her, or are you not together currently?
We're not together.
We had an argument as she wanted to cycle me again as a boyfriend. I was more inclined to be friends for a change. As I felt, she wasn't giving any effort and I barely get any reciprocation. She eventually left, saying she wasn't the "one" and she was upset, and she guess she'll find someone else. Told her if that makes her happy to go for it. Said she was happy our final last ending ended with us being good friends, rather than enemies... .
Oh... but wait, she then changes her mind later... Basically then says I'm a stalker and to not give her gifts, ends up blocking me on media, and declares she will change her number.
--- This all occurring with no communication in between, no action either that would warrant all of that. I barely even call her or put in the effort to initiate convos anymore. As I usually felt I would be ignored, or she would use it against me, so what's the point? So it's irony at best and I assume was just her trying to hurt me.----
As for why I've done it so many times; I'm addicted to the beautiful bond we once had. Where she thought I was her everything, would do anything for me, and considered me like an angel fallen from heaven and called me perfect.
Additionally, she was someone I was able to talk all night and day with every day when I was kid, and enjoyed every minute of it.
There was some red flags of her disorder when she was younger, some lies here and there, or some weird situations that didn't add up... But I never really paid much attention to it.
As we got grew up, we ended up having more of a relationship. Was a great first year. Then I was painted black, considered bad as one of her friends who hurt her? Which is something I actually helped her through. In reality, as I gained information I later found out this never occurred. Despite this, she still rings it as true, and even grew to believe it in physical aspects... .Such as panic attacks, or night terrors.
Anyways, as time went on, things just got worst and worst. She would betray my trust, despite belittling me for not trusting her when she was being shady. She would also recall events that never happened, or didn't happen like described.
Ex; If we just hanged out at a park... She may consider that the most beautiful thing where we made out, held hands, and played in the dirt... .Only for it to not play out that way at all.; Another example would be her taking something where she asked me for a question on a subject I knew, but later if an argument were to occur, she'll retrospect and say I barged into her room, telling her what I knew, and that we argued at the time and faught... Saying I'm such an awful person because I'm always controlling.
Many, many situations like that... Which left me confused and started questioning my insanity...
She would also started to get mad easier from little things and would ignore me for days. Hurt my trust, among other things...
Blatantly lie about situations, and etc...
Obviously as I learned more, more fights would occur because I have a relatively great memory where I can pin-point things out. So I would constantly call her out on things that never happened ... Which then she would act negatively by not even talking about it, but rather hiding in her own shell in either crying (which I would make her feel better, but she would still avoid situation) or she would paint me black and say I'm the most awful person in the world, that I'm controlling, that I bring her down, that I'm like her old friend, that I never give her space.
The irony, being that, I let her do whatever she wants' especially at the start. As I trusted her deeply and didn't think she would do anything wrong. So much to the point where she sounded upset, thinking I didn't care... But years later, she would say I never ever trusted her with anything. Or never give her free time?
Basically opposite day... Hell, I even said she should give herself more free time as she was a clinger.
That's basically my situation. The beautiful girl I once knew, turned into a witch who would lie, cheat, and caused many issues. I always was the guy who wanted to make things right, so as time went on... I went from beating myself up over it and trying to make her feel better and giving her more of what she already had... .Only for her to be upset about that as well. Eventually I grew tired and we just ended up bickering all the time.
There's a few good moments where I see her old self in here where she acts like the beautiful girl I've known since childhood...
I think that's what i draws me in... I see that, but it never lasts.
