Less than 24 hours and back to bed

[coworkerfriend]

I had a basically quiet time away.  We talked on the phone a few times each day - he kept himself busy - he was able to keep himself together.  All in all, I thought it was a positive 4 days for both of us.  I do go out of town a number of times each year so we do have somewhat of a routine - I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing.

I got home about an hour later than I expected yesterday - mainly due to traffic.  I called him from the road and kept him updated on my progress.  I got to his house and he seemed genuinely happy to see me.  We talked for a bit - he asked what I wanted to do for dinner.  I said I would be fine with anything.  That set him off - he got super agitated and said I was making him anxious.  He went upstairs and seemed to calm down.  We had a good night together - he explained his agitation on missing me and needing some alone time. 

He called me this am and said he was having a bad morning - he was extremely anxious and couldn't calm down. I asked him what was wrong - he said he is feeling very bad about himself and he is afraid of losing me.  We talked for about a half an hour - he said he felt better and he came into work.  We talked about work - we talked about the plans for the day.  After about an hour, he came into my office - he said he felt sick and was going home and going to bed.  I said I was sorry to hear that and to please let me know if he needs anything. 

He called a few minutes later.  He said he can't be at the office - he can't be around me.  He asked me to promise to not come to his house or to contact him for the rest of the day.   I said that I promise him I won't come over and to please let me know if he needs anything at all.   He was getting increasingly agitated during our call - saying I make promises to make things better but I never change.  He was getting more and more upset and hung up on me.  He said he has to go straight to bed.  He can't deal with today. 

I know that I have to try and validate him - to let him know I hear him when he gets upset.  He told me last night he could have very easily slipped into a bad episode but fought it off.  I can't help but feel that i am the source of his issue.  I always feel like I need to do something or somehow fix something.  I kept replaying the conversations and I feel confused. I feel like I did something wrong.  I need some insight - and help to deal with my feelings. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

I can't help but feel that i am the source of his issue.  I always feel like I need to do something or somehow fix something.  I kept replaying the conversations and I feel confused. I feel like I did something wrong.  I need some insight - and help to deal with my feelings.

This is the outcome of emotional abuse. He is successfully projecting HIS issues onto you - and "making you responsible". He plays the victim and he wants you to play the rescuer.

This is not healthy. (I'm sure you know that).

Let me say straight away: YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. You need to believe this. This is the hardest thing, to have your own space, to have separation from him. But it is esssential. He has a burning drive to make you responsible for him - because then he doesn't have to blame himself - he can blame you. But you need to say no. You need to NOT accept his offer. When you rescue him, you take on this responsibility, so your next step is to STOP rescuing him. Don't offer solutions to his needs. Instead, encourage him to rescue himself. Ask him questions "How can you stop feeling tired?". "What can YOU do to start enjoying work?".

This is a hard concept to take on. But HE is responsible for his own life. You may feel concern for him, and love, and hope for good things for him, but you should NOT feel responsible for him.

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you - I am trying very hard to keep my head straight and understand I am not the problem.  Logically, I get that.  Emotionally, I keep thinking that if I was out of his life - he could be happier. 

You are absolutely correct in that he has a burning desire to make me responsible - he is blaming me for everything wrong in his life.  He came into work today - determined to fight with me.  He started in that he hasn't eaten for days - which I know isn't true - that I demand so much of his time and energy that he can't focus on anything he needs to do.  I said that I will make sure he has no distractions and can focus all his attention on his project and on himself.  I went back to my office.   That wasn't what he wanted to hear, so he came into my office to tell me his life is hell - he hates it and he wants to hurt himself.  I said I am so sorry that he feels that way - it has to be so incredibly painful.  He then started on how I need to control the things that bother him so he can keep his head in a good place.  I lost it.  I said I can not control the world.  I can't control anything.  I do my best to help but I am not in control of anything.  He got really mad - I walked away.  He tried to fight with me a bit more and he finally left.  He said he is going to bed - he is sick and he doesn't like me at all. 

Logically, I know he is responsible for his own actions - for his own life.  I have been emotionally manipulated for so many years.  I feel like I have tried for so long to fix things - I have only made this situation so much worse.  I know this is a process.  I know I have to be strong.  I have to take myself out of these situations.  I keep slipping back into my bad habits. 

I know how unhealthy this is - it is very unhealthy for both of us.  This cycle has been non stop since the beginning of September.  It feels endless.

[icky]

hey CWF, given the sheer amount of anxiety he's dealing with, would getting him on anti-anxiety meds be an option at all? i know that some anti-anxiety meds can be addictive, but there's some good modern meds available. a med that really helped me re panic attacks is called Aliskiren - it's actually a high-bloodpressure med! it stops the stress hormones which are produced in the adrenal glands (next to the kidneys) from being able to reach the brain. that helps ppl with high blood pressure stop their blood pressure from going up higher. but it can also work really well with anxiety etc. given that your partner actually identifies that anxiety is an issue for him, could that be something you could get him to seek some treatment for? (if the doctor/ therapist then also piggybacks some BPD treatment onto the anxiety treament, so be it!)    : )

[coworkerfriend]

Hi - he takes cymbalta and xanax daily for his depression and anxiety.  I had hoped he would talk to his doctor and explain the increasing levels of anxiety he has been feeling at his last appointment.  I do not believe he was candid with him. 

A few weeks ago, we discussed that it doesn't appear that the medications are working for him.  We specifically discussed different medication options for him to talk to his doctor about.  He did not do that.  He said the doctor was fine with the meds he is on and does not see a need to modify or increase the dosage.  I had hoped that perhaps he would tell the doctor what is going on but he never tells him the full story.  He tells me that the doctor knows him well and would know what is best for him - my hands are tied.  I can't do anything.  He goes to therapy on a regular basis as well - I know he has made some progress but the core of his issues are always there. 

[icky]

. kay : ). is it an option to go to his doctor appointments with him? tell him you're not happy with the amount of anxiety he experiences, because it affects you negatively and that you'd like the doctor to explain to you why these are the meds that are being used and whether other meds might not be more helpful?

[coworkerfriend]

I don't know about going to the doctor with him - we aren't married.  Plus more importantly, I don't think he wants me to.  He doesn't know any other way to live and part of me thinks he finds some sort of comfort in this mindset. He is used to being in pain and hating himself.   I am not sure if I am making sense - I think he does quite a bit to self sabotage.  He can not accept when things are good and normal for any length of time.  He has to find a way to knock it off kilter.   

When he is in a good place, he tells me this is something he has to work on - it is his responsibility to take care of himself.  He acknowledges he puts me through hell and that sets him off that he is a bad person and should be alone.  It is like everything is a circular argument.  He had a very bad dysregulation today -  I can always tell by his eyes.  He was past any point of talking to him - he was past any point of reigning himself in.  He kept telling me that I agitate him - he is fine when I am not around but when he is near me, his anxiety goes through the roof. 

I am trying very hard to let my anxiety go - to continue to remind myself that I did not cause this.  His words ring loud in my head and I have to fight to quiet them. 

[icky]

i agree that if you aren't married, you don't have a legal right to accompany him. however, if i'm in a relationship with someone who has major mental illness i would insist on accompanying him to a doctor's visit once every six months, at least while the condition isn't receiving "enough" treatment for it to be manageable. that would be an absolute boundary for me - if it wasn't an option, i would refuse to be playing the (married or unmarried) carer for the mentally ill person. (that's just my attitude tho, obviously. i'm not implying it's the "right" thing to do, or that you should do it. just giving you feedback as to what my stance is).

[icky]

. I don't know about going to the doctor with him - we aren't married.  Plus more importantly, I don't think he wants me to.  He doesn't know any other way to live and part of me thinks he finds some sort of comfort in this mindset. He is used to being in pain and hating himself.   I am not sure if I am making sense - I think he does quite a bit to self sabotage.  He can not accept when things are good and normal for any length of time.  He has to find a way to knock it off kilter.   .

. i know you are in part staying together because of your business. but given how awful your situation sounds, are there any steps you can take towards slowly getting the business situation split up? could you train someone part-time to do his work? could you start secretly saving some money to buy his share of the company? could you secretly start looking around for a new business partner who would be interested in buying his share?

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you for your comments and suggestions.  It has been painful and hard the past two and a half months.   We had a very good summer together - a few months of normal loving life.  Those months are seeming farther and farther away. 

I do try to think of options for our business - and that is where I get stuck.  Ultimately, I know that he does not want to leave the business.  Anything I do will cause a considerable amount of upheaval and I do not want that to adversely affect the business.   I am thinking about what I need to do to continue.  I stayed with him because I always believed in him.  I know now how naive and unhealthy that thinking has been for me. 

I feel stuck and unsettled.  I am trying very hard to focus on me.  I don't want to slip into my old bad habits.

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome to adulthood - where you have to decide between the least worst of 2 bad decisions... .

You really have 3 choices:
 - he leaves the business,
 - you leave the business, or
 - you work out how to manage

I understand there are downsides to all of these. What is your health and sanity worth?

[coworkerfriend]

I am 50 years old - business is my life. It has been - I work hard.  We have employees that need their jobs.
I understand that I have hard decisions. Since I discovered he has BPD - I have made a commitment to myself to learn as much as I can  - to stay - to manage. It has been 4 years of learning and trying to make myself a stronger person.

I wish it was as easy as him leaving - of me leaving.   It isn't an easy decision.

[icky]

yeah - it wouldn't be an easy choice

i don't think you need to make that choice right now

i think it would be good if you started preparing *to give yourself more options* tho, in case things get worse, or stay this bad

just preparing business stuff secretly for the "what if" scenario that things become untenable with him

i think if you start secretly making preparations for that, you will feel less stuck, less under pressure and more able to think clearly and calmly about what your healthiest options are

[Grey Kitty]

Hey... .you've been working on this for 4 years.   I've been here for that time too, I just realized.

Think about what you've learned and what you are doing differently now than you did then.

Have you made progress? Are you stuck?

[coworkerfriend]

Wow GK - you seem in a much better place after 4 years.  I hope you are proud of yourself and your progress. 

If I look back on the past 4 years, I know that I have made progress.  I learned how to stop JADEing and making the situation worse - I learned about validation, I continue to work on SET - I have the SE down but I struggle with including the Truth.  The intense fear I would feel during a dysregulation period has passed.   I am not afraid of the storm anymore.  I think my greatest improvement is that I feel better about myself than I did 4 years ago. 

If I need perspective, I will go back and read my old posts.  I can vividly remember how powerless I felt during those times. 

With that being said, I feel like I am currently stuck - we have been engaged in a cycle that I know is very unhealthy for me.  My codependent nature and coping skills I have had my entire life have kept me stuck.   I am working with a therapist who has helped me identify the issues with my parents and my ex-husband. I have spent my entire life - from childhood - trying to please people who can not be pleased.  I am very hard and unforgiving of my mistakes - and I know that keeps me stuck as well. 

I feel like I am in conflict with myself - with my logical side and my emotional side.  Logically, I understand my issues - emotionally, I struggle to make changes. 

At this moment, I do not want to leave my business.  But I also am very aware of the toll all of this takes on me. 

If I look back, things are better than they were 4 years ago.  But it scares me to think of 4 more years living with the cycle I am currently living with.  I cannot do anything to fix or change him.  I have to fully accept this is part of my life.   

[Grey Kitty]

Wow GK - you seem in a much better place after 4 years.  I hope you are proud of yourself and your progress.

I feel very happy with the progress I made in regards to my r/s with my wife. That said, we are separated, and both of us are procrastinating on the divorce, which isn't dong either of us any favors.

Honestly, I feel alone, free, and kinda stuck. Not stuck in something codependent and toxic. Just unable to figure out where I want to go, and get enough traction to move that way. I trust myself not to get into a codependent mess of a relationship again, and that alone is huge. It also isn't enough. And I'm not sure what is.

I'm happy for the progress you've made. And know that "stuck" feeling all too well.

I continue to work on SET - I have the SE down but I struggle with including the Truth.

From what I've read of your attempts there, I think don't pushing yourself to apply the "Truth" part is where you fall down.

I think that most of the "Truths" you want to tell him aren't ones you need to tell him at all.

You don't need to tell him that his body will pay a price if he doesn't eat or sleep.
You don't need to tell him that the business will suffer if he refuses to show up and do work.

Logically, I understand my issues - emotionally, I struggle to make changes.

Similarly, he already knows these things. When "things are good" he is aware and acknowledges them. When he's dysregulated, he does it anyway. And in that state, he can barely tolerate your presence, never mind hear a difficult truth from you, let alone act on it if he did!

But it scares me to think of 4 more years living with the cycle I am currently living with.  I cannot do anything to fix or change him.  I have to fully accept this is part of my life.

No, you don't have to accept it as part of your life. You have to accept it as part of his life.

You are dedicated to the business and the employees. You can choose to stay with it, even though it includes putting up with his dysregulations.

For me, knowing that I am making a choice, and that it is the one I wish to make today takes me out of being "stuck"

What gets me the most "stuck" is thinking that there is another choice out there... .that if only you chose to do "XYZ" you would get all his good characteristics and none of the dysregulations and bad behavior. And that choice is so seductive, and so much better than the real choices you have, which look more like staying and coping with the mess, or quitting and leaving.

In your case, I think you have two different choices to make. They are separate choices, but consequences of one will spill over to impact the other.

Choice 1: What do I do about the business?
Choice 2: What do I do about the personal (home) relationship with him?