It's hard to move forward

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm sure you have all heard this story before.  Meet this amazing guy and fall head over heals in love, as he does for me.  Everything is a fairy tale for the first few months, we even move in together.  Eventually the fairy tale starts to dissolve and you start to see the BPD traits come out.  Initially it's just little things that they use to tear you down using the insecurities that they know you have because they have listened to everything you have been through in your life during the fairy tale portion of the relationship.  Then it turns into small arguments, you see signs that things aren't right but you ignore them.  Then it turns into full out fights, sometimes with throwing things, hitting walls, verbal abuse or the silent treatment later.  Once things Things got really bad during this period and I broke up with him.  I was really strong and spent lots of time with my family and friends.  He was still in the process of finding a place so he was still living with me, so I couldn't escape him unless I stayed at a friends or my Mom's (which i did often).  He would beg a plead for me to give him another chance.  He would give me flowers and do nice things for me during this period of 6 weeks.  He would tell me how I was the one that he wanted to marry and he never felt like that with anyone else. (he's never been married and is 38, he did have a 12 year relationship with the mother of his children) He just made me feel like everything was going to be ok.  He agreed to go get counselling because he realized he had a problem and didn't want to repeat past mistakes with me.  During this time I found out that he had been talking to his ex-girlfriend through our entire relationship, which he had told me they weren't talking anymore.  I found out that he cheated on me early in our relationship with this same girl and that he had gone away with her during our breakup.  I was devastated, he sent messages to her saying that he loved me and he could never talk to her again.  Told her that he would do whatever it took to get me back and he would take the chance of losing her if it meant he would have even one more day with me.  I saw all the messages and he convinced me that it meant nothing and I was the love of his life.  (writing this, I realize how totally consumed by him I was)  I believed every word he said and went back to him with some serious conditions.  He promised to live up to those conditions, some he did and some he didn't over the next few months.  I forgave him for more things then I have ever forgiven anyone for in my entire life and I have no idea why. We had some great days after we got back together and we had many not great days.  We broke up and got back together many times over the next few months. (usually him breaking up with me, then calling to apologize and promise it wouldn't happen again) Through these few months he continued to break me down. (I realize that I let him do that to me) I continued to be a trigger for him and his behavior.  I was ready to walk away about a month ago and he came to me and told me he had a major drug problem and he had quit a week earlier and that's why he felt we were having so many problems.  He begged me for help and support.  I agreed to stay with him and help him with his recovery.  I went to meetings with him and I helped support him day to day.  He did so well with his recovery, but we were still fighting often.  I thought it would be cruel to leave him in his current state of recovery because he needed me so I just stayed and dealt with the fights and verbal abuse.  He was then diagnosed with BPD and put on medication to level out his moods.  Now I felt like I could never leave, what type of a person leaves someone with all these issues when they need you the most.  Things got really bad and I fell into a severe depression, I went to see my doctor and I need counselling.  Earlier this week I did something that he didn't like and I changed our plans, I just wanted a night to myself after a big fight where he said extremely hurtful things.  I was having a hard time getting past the things he said even though he promised never to say them again. (I've heard this before)  He didn't talk to me at all that night and the next day he was very upset with me and said i should be more understanding of his needs as a man.  I told him that I thought we should take some time apart and get some help because my depression is getting worse and I just seem to be triggering bad feelings and reactions in him. He totally freaked out and said really horrible things to me, he even said that he wished I would die.  I realized that things were never going to change and I just needed to leave him for good.  I blocked him from contacting me in anyway and I told him i was doing this and it was over.  He has called about 20 times and left voicemails (that's all he can do when he is blocked).  I just sent him another message telling him not to call, text or come to my house.  I have had no contact with him for 3 days now and I now that I can't go back.  I just have a hard time moving forward.  When things happen in my life I want to call him and share it with him.  I allowed him to become my everything, i spent all my time with him and ended up pushing alot of my friends and family away.  I feel so alone most of the time and I'm scared that i'm going to crumble and go back to him, even though I know that's the worst possible thing I could do for myself and for him.  I'm trying to reconnect with my friends, but they are hurt that I pushed them away for a guy.  I know it's only been 3 days, but this is the hardest breakup I've ever had to go through as far as walking away. Normally I would just walk away and never look back.

[learn2moveon]

I'm sure you have all heard this story before.  Meet this amazing guy and fall head over heals in love, as he does for me.  Everything is a fairy tale for the first few months, we even move in together.  Eventually the fairy tale starts to dissolve and you start to see the BPD traits come out.  Initially it's just little things that they use to tear you down using the insecurities that they know you have because they have listened to everything you have been through in your life during the fairy tale portion of the relationship.  Then it turns into small arguments, you see signs that things aren't right but you ignore them.  Then it turns into full out fights, sometimes with throwing things, hitting walls, verbal abuse or the silent treatment later.  Once things Things got really bad during this period and I broke up with him.  I was really strong and spent lots of time with my family and friends.  He was still in the process of finding a place so he was still living with me, so I couldn't escape him unless I stayed at a friends or my Mom's (which i did often).  He would beg a plead for me to give him another chance.  He would give me flowers and do nice things for me during this period of 6 weeks.  He would tell me how I was the one that he wanted to marry and he never felt like that with anyone else. (he's never been married and is 38, he did have a 12 year relationship with the mother of his children) He just made me feel like everything was going to be ok.  He agreed to go get counselling because he realized he had a problem and didn't want to repeat past mistakes with me.  During this time I found out that he had been talking to his ex-girlfriend through our entire relationship, which he had told me they weren't talking anymore.  I found out that he cheated on me early in our relationship with this same girl and that he had gone away with her during our breakup.  I was devastated, he sent messages to her saying that he loved me and he could never talk to her again.  Told her that he would do whatever it took to get me back and he would take the chance of losing her if it meant he would have even one more day with me.  I saw all the messages and he convinced me that it meant nothing and I was the love of his life.  (writing this, I realize how totally consumed by him I was)  I believed every word he said and went back to him with some serious conditions.  He promised to live up to those conditions, some he did and some he didn't over the next few months.  I forgave him for more things then I have ever forgiven anyone for in my entire life and I have no idea why. We had some great days after we got back together and we had many not great days.  We broke up and got back together many times over the next few months. (usually him breaking up with me, then calling to apologize and promise it wouldn't happen again) Through these few months he continued to break me down. (I realize that I let him do that to me) I continued to be a trigger for him and his behavior.  I was ready to walk away about a month ago and he came to me and told me he had a major drug problem and he had quit a week earlier and that's why he felt we were having so many problems.  He begged me for help and support.  I agreed to stay with him and help him with his recovery.  I went to meetings with him and I helped support him day to day.  He did so well with his recovery, but we were still fighting often.  I thought it would be cruel to leave him in his current state of recovery because he needed me so I just stayed and dealt with the fights and verbal abuse.  He was then diagnosed with BPD and put on medication to level out his moods.  Now I felt like I could never leave, what type of a person leaves someone with all these issues when they need you the most.  Things got really bad and I fell into a severe depression, I went to see my doctor and I need counselling.  Earlier this week I did something that he didn't like and I changed our plans, I just wanted a night to myself after a big fight where he said extremely hurtful things.  I was having a hard time getting past the things he said even though he promised never to say them again. (I've heard this before)  He didn't talk to me at all that night and the next day he was very upset with me and said i should be more understanding of his needs as a man.  I told him that I thought we should take some time apart and get some help because my depression is getting worse and I just seem to be triggering bad feelings and reactions in him. He totally freaked out and said really horrible things to me, he even said that he wished I would die.  I realized that things were never going to change and I just needed to leave him for good.  I blocked him from contacting me in anyway and I told him i was doing this and it was over.  He has called about 20 times and left voicemails (that's all he can do when he is blocked).  I just sent him another message telling him not to call, text or come to my house.  I have had no contact with him for 3 days now and I now that I can't go back.  I just have a hard time moving forward.  When things happen in my life I want to call him and share it with him.  I allowed him to become my everything, i spent all my time with him and ended up pushing alot of my friends and family away.  I feel so alone most of the time and I'm scared that i'm going to crumble and go back to him, even though I know that's the worst possible thing I could do for myself and for him.  I'm trying to reconnect with my friends, but they are hurt that I pushed them away for a guy.  I know it's only been 3 days, but this is the hardest breakup I've ever had to go through as far as walking away. Normally I would just walk away and never look back.

[joeramabeme]

Hi learn2moveon

Welcome to BPD Family!   

Congratulations on your first post.  The ending of these relationships can be very stressful and confusing.  Hopefully you have taken some time to read some of the posts and articles here.  The information and support provided helps get through the toughest of times.

I just sent him another message telling him not to call, text or come to my house.  I have had no contact with him for 3 days now and I now that I can't go back.  I just have a hard time moving forward.  When things happen in my life I want to call him and share it with him.

It is very conflicting.  pwBPD can be the best people we have ever met and then seemingly the most aloof and mean.  Sounds like you have made up your mind to go NC.  Are you able to stick with that?  Is there any concern for your safety?

JRB