I feel horrible, replaced and most of all shameful- he won

[Scyphozoan]

I was so strong or I thought I was after the last discard that was 3 weeks ago... .

He wanted to meet and discuss the events to him leaving without a note and 5 line txt... .

I felt so " cocky " my friends, I " was in control" and I was not going to give in... .

I looked fantastic and wanted to show him... ." Hey I am over you and your pathetic games"... .

Next thing I know, I am meeting him for dinner which ended up spending the night with crazy sex... .

The next day he " rushed" me through breakfast, since he had a conference call in the office... .at 10 am... .

mind you, I initially was going to leave to my office but something didn't fit right with me... .
I called his office at 9 and he wasn't in... .
went back to the house, he was on a " conference call" for 17 minutes"... .mind you, he was supposed to be for 1 hour and a half, this is the reason he gave me for not being in the office... .


Than the lies started to put in, lets spend the day in the pool I said, he said great... .
than he needed to go to the office and I said, ok I will sit in another corner... .
No he couldn't do that... .
Till 4 pm, he stayed with me in his house... .and than said, I really need to gp to the office... .


well I left " Hurt"... .guess my friends what ?... .called at 4:30 his office  the guy didn't come in that day... .called him on his cell and he was in on his way to his boat... .I guessed I messed his plans for the date... .or a date... .well ... .I hanged in there for 3 almost 4 weeks, but I must admit the hovering started 2 days after wards... .This time... .3 days going on 4 days... .and no contact ( from him ... .silent)... .must have found the " girl of his dream"... .
Now I am left to pick up the broken pieces of my heart... .

What is it... .that makes me believe his " fairytale version"/excuses of his lies... .
He looks straight in my eyes and lies... .! If I ask a question... " then I doubt him".!
Forget about the plans to spend the rest of the day together forget about the pool... .
He was so anxious to be on the move... .
Where to?... .
why did he never call to apologize for his rude behavior... .?

I know in my head ... .This is not the guy for me... .I have no future with this guy... .I do not want a future with this guy... .but I do not want to miss an opportunity with the right guy, just because I am " hooked on this BPD"... .


How is it that I am making 1 step forward and it was soon painful marking on my calendar no Contact... .( full day)... .and than they bombard you with please and just hear me out... .nothing more than last word... .and my world is crushed... .He humiliated me, lied to me... .
what else do I need to understand or to get in my head that he is a looser... .and why is it, I end up having the best sex of my life... .( we'll last time wasn't all that for me... .)

I guess my friend, I am going through a withdrawal... .It's the weekend, I do not feel like getting out of bed... .it's a beautiful day and I am in my dark bedroom feeling like he won... .
he got me, and discarded me... .and this is why I feel so shameful, for thinking I am in full control of myself, only to fall prey to his seductive promises... .flat of my face the next day... .

Today is N.C #3... .and it is soo hard for me... .
I guess I am surprised by his " strength" to hold on ... .( typically I get an email 24 hours afterwards... .this time... .nothing... .)

I need help to get through today... .do not want my impulses to reign over me... .
I am asking humbly for your help... .
Help me get through today... .

Real Desperate... .
XXX






it was Wed... .He clearly hooked up on his boat with whomever... .

[icky]

oh, sweetheart, how horrible... i dunno what to say re your questions. other than that evolution wired us all a bit like this. being crazy about each other and wanting each other even when we know it's dumb is what keeps our species going... if all our crazy ancestors hadn't done the same, you and me and our loopy (ex)partners wouldn't exist at all . nature has progammed us to yearn for each other and to pursue each other . all these notions of stable, honest, caring, long-term relationships are pretty modern, on the evolutionary scale of things. so don't be too hard on your poor brain for getting muddled up, occasionally - it happens to us all. you'll sort it out and be the wiser and the stronger for it

[Scyphozoan]

Thank you hmmm... .
it seems that the toughest day where I was trying the hardest to restrain my self had past... .
I am in a better place than I was before ... .
I do not want the "recycling experience"... .as hard and as wired as it may be... .
This last interaction had " cost me 4 days of mylife"... .I felt in the midst of an emotional Tornado... .?

Thank you for throwing a " life savor " my way... .
Never again... .( it is the 2nd time I am promising this to myself... .)

warm hugs
XXX

[patientandclear]

People with BPD struggle with intimacy. Leaping to conclusions about him having another date may or may not be warranted by your past knowledge of him, but many pwBPD seem to need space and withdraw after intense time together. The sense of shame at being discarded may be something your own head is applying to the situation that may not be fully warranted.

You of course may not be comfortable with someone who has that need to withdraw after closeness.

[Pretty Woman]

Girl,
    

Words mean NOTHING. Actions... .

Everything.

What he is showing you, and continuing to show you is who he really is. He is not your Prince Charming. I don't recall Prince Charming blowing-off Sleeping Beauty. In fact, it was his kiss that awoke her. He was THERE when she awoke.

I am not condemning your actions. We have ALL been there. In my relationship there was MANY times she would dump me and I would lose a ton of weight, start dressing differently (all to get her attention) and it worked... .for awhile.  Each time I allowed her to come back I showed her I was a doormat. She had less and less respect for me and actually told others I was pathetic and she was toying with me. She actually enjoyed seeing me in pain.

and I was. When you stop allowing him to treat you like this, you won't attract it. You will attract better. I am an example of this. I am in a wonderful, healthy relationship. I am thriving at work and in my personal life.

I still have bad days (hence why I post on here) but it DOES get better. I am a firm believer that NC is key. It's key to your healing and gaining more clarity.

I was where you are now. I know how much you are hurting. I am here to tell you, it WILL get better. You need to get the focus off him and work on you. You sound like an amazing person with much compassion and a big heart. People are LUCKY to have you in their life.

Are you in therapy? Consider it. That helped me a LOT. If you want to contact him send me a PM, post here but please do NOT contact him. It will only prolong your pain and that is exactly what they want.

 
PW

PS. By the way he didn't win. This is not a game. As soon as you are able to distance yourself I think you will see that. You are a smart cookie and I think you just need space to see that.

[Scyphozoan]

Thank you PM

It was very kind of you to say those nice things and encourage me... .

Somehow I feel " The defective one"... .for being weak... .?

It's like I am too busy " figuring out" why am I " weak and stupid"... .and can not be firm and execute what I planned... .which was N.C period... .! ( like any " Normal" person would do, had they been abused humiliated and replaced or going through tenth of what I have gone through with him)... .

I know I am hard on myself... .but If my best friend would be treated that way, I would be horrified and tell her " point blank"; "this guy is not for you you deserve, much better than him."... .yet, I didn't apply it on myself... .I planned to and thought I got it/me in full control... .only to " fall for his seductive empty promises once again"... .

Of course he is calling from " unknown numbers" and I most times do not answer and erase the messages immediately... .

Something must have happened with the new "replacement"... .because I am being flooded with emails and non-stop phone calls... .

He will search the internet or hook up with an-Ex very soon... .( I understand they can not be without attachment for long... .)

I just need the time and space to heal and forgive myself... .ugh... .
Any idea why I/we get so weak, to the point that I " forgot" temporarily  all that just had happened ... .( only to be discarded again... ?)... .
If I had one wish... .right now, one wish... ., it would be... ." to be strong and follow my N.C

Thank you once again from the bottom of my heart for your words of support PW... .I needed that today... .

 
XXX








 

[Lucky Jim]

I know in my head ... .This is not the guy for me... .I have no future with this guy... .I do not want a future with this guy... .but I do not want to miss an opportunity with the right guy, just because I am " hooked on this BPD"... .

Hey Scyp, You give an apt description of being with a pwBPD: we know the r/s is bad for us, but we still want to be with that person.  Until one day we don't.  Maybe today is that day for you?  Only you know when its time to get off the roller coaster.  Suggest you treat yourself well and focus on what is the right path for you.

LuckyJim

[Scyphozoan]

Thank you Lucky Jim,

I wanted yesterday to be that day, I want today to be that day... .
so far I go through ups and downs, one day is a good day and the next day is so tough... .
I have decided, the decision is not going back never... .! when will the " irrational" catch up to my rational... .?... .This is my big question... .Once it will catch up, I will feel that " freedom"... .
Thank you for your support

XXX

[Lucky Jim]

I have decided, the decision is not going back never... .! when will the " irrational" catch up to my rational... .?... .This is my big question... .Once it will catch up, I will feel that " freedom"... .

Hello again, Scyp, Well, you've made a decision, which is good.  "How does the snail climb Mt. Fuji?  But slowly . . . slowly."  That decision, I suggest, will lead to the freedom you describe.  I can't tell you how long it will take for your "irrational" mind to catch up with your "rational" mind, but I'm confident that it will happen if you stay the course.  Your new path leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about.

LuckyJim