How do I stop blaming myself?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I missed her and wanted to see her and talk to her.  That's all I wanted.  It had been months and the last time we went out it was fun!  I don't understand.  I don't understand how a slightly harsh email written out of pure frustration could lead to such a bitter end (see my intro post... .soul crushed by friend).  I kept reaching out, despite the silent treatment, to make a amends.  I HATE conflict and if I hurt someone I apologize and understand what happened.  I keep blaming myself like I should have just left her alone.  The lack of response from her end was devastating and confusing.  How do I not feel bad about myself after she tells me that I've been "verbally assaultive"?  I mean, come on!  I called her defensive not a b___ for Pete's sake.  No one has ever accused me of being verbally abusive and now I question everything I wrote to her.  I was so gentle by expressing my hurt.

Someone please remind me it's not my fault?  I'm such a kind hearted person.  I genuinely loved her.  Also, is defensiveness part of the disorder?  SC was by far the most defensive person I have ever met.  She could not take even minor criticism. 

It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault... .

[jammit123]

I missed her and wanted to see her and talk to her.  That's all I wanted.  It had been months and the last time we went out it was fun!  I don't understand.  I don't understand how a slightly harsh email written out of pure frustration could lead to such a bitter end (see my intro post... .soul crushed by friend).  I kept reaching out, despite the silent treatment, to make a amends.  I HATE conflict and if I hurt someone I apologize and understand what happened.  I keep blaming myself like I should have just left her alone.  The lack of response from her end was devastating and confusing.  How do I not feel bad about myself after she tells me that I've been "verbally assaultive"?  I mean, come on!  I called her defensive not a b___ for Pete's sake.  No one has ever accused me of being verbally abusive and now I question everything I wrote to her.  I was so gentle by expressing my hurt.

Someone please remind me it's not my fault?  I'm such a kind hearted person.  I genuinely loved her.  Also, is defensiveness part of the disorder?  SC was by far the most defensive person I have ever met.  She could not take even minor criticism. 

It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault... .

[DazedandConfus3d]

It's not your fault.

It's how the disorder works. 

Stop beating yourself up and look at how to heal instead of what you did wrong.

Good luck and healing light to you.

[apollotech]

Hi jammit123,

Sorry to hear that you're going through this stage of the detachment process. You're not alone as many of us have been in your shoes. The thing that helped me the most in understanding what I had been through was to learn as much as I could about BPD---what it is, what are the halmark characteristics of the disorder, how it's clinically diagnosed, treated, etc. After all of that which was exhausting and consuming, I was finally able to overlay the ralationship with the disorder and understand what had happened. In essence, understanding BPD became the Rosetta Stone needed to decode the chaos that had ensued during the relationship. You cannot figure out what occurred by applying normal or rational thought/expectations to what occurred. It's a disorder, you have to see it from that disordered perspective.

Consequently, when you get there, you'll get a lot of closure and freedom. Essentially, you'll find that much of what occurred within the relationship was dictated by the disorder, not you, and not even her, although I know that it appears that way.

Use the resources on this site and others to understand the disorder. Read on the boards, we've all been through very similar experiences with some variation. Post your thoughts, ask questions. Eventually you'll probably see that what you're now blaming yourself about (your fault) was not actually your fault at all. Good luck to you on your journey.

[lovenature]

Keep reading and learning, it wasn't your fault she did what she did; the disorder always wins.

Sadly the more you love them and the closer you get, the more they hurt you and push you away.

The kinder you are to them and the more you put their heart and feelings ahead of your own, the more you get hurt.