How Long Did it Take You...?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am almost 3 months in to a horrible, traumatizing breakup with my BPDex. Cheating, pathological lying, complete inconsideration, etc. Was madly in love with her and it was my first girlfriend. I am 5 weeks into NC and going strong, but I have to ask... .how long did it take you guys in this community to start really feeling like yourselves again? To stop reading about BPD so frequently and trying to make sense of the nonsensical?

[seeperplexed]

I am almost 3 months in to a horrible, traumatizing breakup with my BPDex. Cheating, pathological lying, complete inconsideration, etc. Was madly in love with her and it was my first girlfriend. I am 5 weeks into NC and going strong, but I have to ask... .how long did it take you guys in this community to start really feeling like yourselves again? To stop reading about BPD so frequently and trying to make sense of the nonsensical?

[JerryRG]

For me it comes in waves, we are each different so we heal at different paces. Just keep moving forward, some days will be backward but just keep going. Eventually the fog clears.

It's difficult to describe until one finds it on thier own. Like so many things in life, we cannot understand until we too experience it.

There's facts, there's emotion, there's lies, there's denial, confusion, pain, heartache, fear, anger. Once I processed most of the emotions I was left with facts.

I still get angry at my ex, I just accept that she's sick and I can't help her. I did my best, it cost me a great deal. I'm better for it now.

You will get there, we all will. It's the ones out there who haven't found this site or the answers here in, that are still lost. We are the fortunate ones

[CooperD]

I am only 7 days into NC and its very tough - feels like someone has died and trying to accept the reality that will never see or hear from that person again.  In the case of the BPD I refer to she has a history of just completely cutting people from her life (saw her do it with at least 3 people during our time together when they went from 'best friends' to the rubbish bin of history once they had slighly irked the BPD.

I agree with Jerry - finding out about the condition/the articles/this website/ the similar stories have been a gift to me. 

In the middle of the hurricane when I was trying to understand what was happening I remember typing into Google - is my girlfriend crazy - as soon as I started to read about BPD the light came on in my head and I started to join the dots and paint by number and it all finally made sense.

Her history before me (childhood abandonment / childhood trauma - dad imprisoned and deported and no further contact / hysterical mother / anoerexic sister / ex husband that had to phone the police on her / scars on her thighs and wrists from self harm / telling me her mum found her in the bath one time whilst her head was submerged under water / telling me there was a guy she liked once and she would sit outside of his house for hours on end).

I could then apply the phases of idealisation / devaluation to our relationship perfectly.

Once I had been split black and irked her there was nothing at all I could do and the more I tried the worse her behaviour came.  All the steps that should show someone you love them (including the biggest commitment of marriage) seemingly  meant nothing to her and I realised that my feelings/joy/emotions and sensitivities were irrelevent to her.

Now I find myself in the discard phase (facing divorce after just over a year of marriage, after I wasted money on a visa for her, after I compromised my career for her and after I invested almost all my savings in a home she wanted). 

Thanks to this website at least I understand what has happened and that I was dealing with someone that is mentally very unwell/unstable.

More importantly as the therapist I spoke to said - think yourself lucky that you are not dead or in prison.  As that is how toxic it had really become.

[once removed]

hi seeperplexed, and

good question. what i can tell you, and i suspect youll see from answers to your post and stories on the boards, is that healing and recovery are not linear. often it gets worse before it gets better. it takes time, to be sure, but in my opinion its far more important what you do with that time. im several years out now, and obviously still read about BPD  .

more than reading about BPD in general, i try to learn about psychology, human nature and dynamics. more about me, my triggers, ticks, hang ups; my values and boundaries. more about personality types (disordered or otherwise). more about healthy and unhealthy relationships. i practice the tools we offer here.

my go to answer for this question is "about a year". thats when i was detached from the wounds of the relationship. but see, as someone here once said, you can sit in a room for x amount of time, and eventually you will be "over it". the real growth didnt catch up with me until a year or two later.

so, seeperplexed, where do you see yourself in the stages of detachment to the right ------->? what proactive steps are you taking toward a brighter future (its okay if youre not. three months was like a day for me)?

[jo19854]

... .- feels like someone has died and trying to accept the reality that will never see or hear from that person again.  In the case of the BPD I refer to she has a history of just completely cutting people from her life

First of all refering to Cooper D i guess my wife cuts off everything too, including me and my family.
Its almost 3 years now since i came home from work and found a note (with no explanation), just a "Goodbey" and "Thank you for everything". She moved overseas and i have never heard or seen her again.

So, maybe the way i had to deal with abandonment after more than a decade together made it more complicated.
I am afraid my answer is not very helpfull when i tell you i still suffer.
But i do know it gets better, but in my case baby steps.

I don't think there is a kind of standard processing time. It depends on background, consequences from the breakup, age etc.
In my case it will be many years, but... .that's me... .not you.

Hanging around on the boards i also ask myself "How much longer will i suffer, i want the pain to stop". You have a good question and from reading the boards i believe a year is maybe the best answer.

But, again, it differs per person. Unfortunately i am not a good example.

[lovenature]

When I first started learning about BPD 2 years ago, I felt better than I had in a long time because I was finally able to understand why things went the way they did. I did try to break up with my ex. before that but wasn't able to stay NC. I was NC on my end for 5 months until the spring of 2015 when I had enough of the pain and let my heart and feelings take over. I have been NC on my end for over 10 months now.

I will tell you that going NC and detaching from my uBPDexgf has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life (lost both of my parents too). It has been non linear, just when I have felt like I was getting better I went back down; once you get far enough out you can see things clearly enough to detach, but you still need to work through loosing touch with reality and loosing yourself. Learning why you stayed with a PWBPD is also incredibly painful, but necessary to have a better future.

After about 5 months of NC I had gotten some of my old self back, but I found it was best to accept that it will take what it takes; I am still struggling after 10+ months of NC, but I know that I can get back the good, functioning in life parts of myself, and become less co-dependant in order to have healthier relationships.