Hi butters,
I hear you.
Yes, I certainly did try, for a really long time, to get the communication right and yes, my brain did nearly seep out of my ears in big, disgusting lumps.
All you say is familiar; the admissions that were later either minimized or taken back, the blaming of himself that later turned to blaming me, my own empathy that nearly did me in in the end because I could "understand" the thinking, or so I thought.
What "saved" me, in the end, was recognizing that whatever happened and whatever insight was had or whatever was said as a result of that insight, could change at a moment's notice. And then whatever the perceived truth of that new moment was, was the new truth. Sometimes I could see this was a deliberate lie, and sometimes I could tell that he really had convinced himself of it and even if I could show him actual proof that he had said the contrary at another point - he could still somehow make that either my fault or just shrug it off.
Maddening.
Here's the thing to help you move forward "I miss her so much. Or do i miss being close to someone? Probably a bit of both."
For me, once I got properly interested in that, I began the good work, rather than the fruitless work I'd been engaging in up to then.
See over here on the right? The banner with the five stages of Detachment - the Self Inquiry. That's a good place to spend a bit of time, when you're ready.
I get you're angry and frustrated right now. That's ok, normal and good. What you do with that now is the thing that you can do to really help yourself, if that makes sense.
Hang in there, we're here for you
