Anyone have and good scenarios as to why my son's mother abandoned him?

[JerryRG]

Just thinking about this a lot the past couple weeks.

My sponsor and many others predicted this very outcome but I just never believed it.

Many others said she only wanted to keep our son because it gave her control over me.

All I can come up with is she's much more sick then I ever realized.

I can't understand, I know that's a good thing but still.

She guarded him like he was her god, now she's gone.

Could her bf put her up to this? She told me he was extremely jealous of our having a child together.

Don't seem to be typical BPD behaviour but what is?

She's completely cut her whole family out of her life, why?

[Dontknow88]

Just thinking about this a lot the past couple weeks.

My sponsor and many others predicted this very outcome but I just never believed it.

Many others said she only wanted to keep our son because it gave her control over me.

All I can come up with is she's much more sick then I ever realized.

I can't understand, I know that's a good thing but still.

She guarded him like he was her god, now she's gone.

Could her bf put her up to this? She told me he was extremely jealous of our having a child together.

Don't seem to be typical BPD behaviour but what is?

She's completely cut her whole family out of her life, why?

It's all apart of the sickness.

Could be for many reasons and sure it could be her BF and she sees that having a child slows her down now that he isn't her "God" and now the bf is. The real question is but for how long? How long till she's tired of her Bf and wants her son back?

Maybe her Bf hinted that she doesn't like your son and she's being completely careless "in love"

Like you said she's Sick.

Could be for many reasons, we don't know why and most likely she doesn't earher but us as the sane people will agree that for the most part is because she's sick and how she treats your child will always shift.

You just have to do what you have to do to protect your precious child.

With my ex anything his current girlfriend goes and he gets her involved in our child's business. (They literally just started dating and she has a "say" .


In ending in the heat of the good or bad moment most are illogical thinkers/doers

[JerryRG]

Thank you Dontknow88

To pwBPD, maybe there is no why? Only, what ever feels good right now?

[Dontknow88]

Thank you Dontknow88

To pwBPD, maybe there is no why? Only, what ever feels good right now?

Exactly. What feels good for right now. Even self sabotageing behaviour. Who will they blame when they come to? Anyone but them self.

[stimpy]

Hey Jerry,

I totally get where you're coming from.

When I refused to be recycled by my ex, I think she needed to fill the emotional void that was left. But rather than find a replacement, what she did was to reengage with her adult daughter (single mum 2 kids). So after I refused the recycle, she suddenly began seeing her daughter every single day for at least 3 months, maybe longer. Why was this strange - well because when my ex and I were together, she hardly saw or even mentioned her daughter. It was something that I wondered over for some time.

And then I got it, my ex always needs some sort of significant other, no matter whether it's a boyfriend, her mother, her daughter, there always has to be someone. And she will cycle through them as she needs to.

So in your son's mother's case, maybe she wasn't getting on with her bf, so she concentrated her attention on her son. Then when things get better with her bf, her son becomes less important and get's "replaced" by her bf. And the cycle never stops.

I don't know of course, I'm only guessing. But I do know that my ex keeps a circle of "significant other" people in her life, but each relationship is dysfunctional. She hates her mother, yet keeps in contact with her, her daughters are grown adults, yet can go from being ignored to enmeshed over night. She keeps the memories of her exes alive by constantly talking about them (to me when we were together at least), rather than forget them and move on.

I've heard some say it is an attachment disorder, and for me that makes sense. All of her attachments were disordered (she stalked me for best part of a year having discarded me - like w t hec!).

So maybe your son's mother's disordered attachment style is playing out now?

[Herodias]

I think she was using him to manipulate you. I think some of them can be so selfish that even their child doesn't mean anything to them. Leaving him with you, knowing you would fight for him and will be responsible so she doesn't have to, allows her to go off and do whatever she wants to do. But also, didn't you say way back that there were threats of giving him up for adoption? Is it possible the bf doesn't want him around and she is going along with it? Don't try and figure it all out... .know it's just not good whatever the reason. I know you are are trying to be one up on her, but you are just driving yourself crazy. I have court on Tuesday with my ex... .I am dying to know if he is going to be there... .is he going to drive all the way here and show up to this hearing? I don't know. I have been just ignoring the whole thing in my head or I will go crazy. I will find out Tuesday. Have a nice Thanksgiving and try not to focus on her as much as you can. I am seeing that we have to force ourselves to stop. I have joined a divorce group at church and am making new friends... .I think you may need to do something like this too. Get into something else... Do something different to change up your daily routine. Listen to Dr. George Simon on u-tube... .very interesting information.

[Dutched]

Jerry  

More general
Even their own child is an attachment or better a love object to fill their void.
A baby is the ultimate fulfilling (at that moment) of projecting and getting unconditional love.
When their love object, child,  gets older, the kid develops their own personality by exploring their surroundings
That causes fear for pwBPD, intense fear, as their love object start to reject (as it is perceived by) that ‘unconditional love’.
The push / pull is initiated by the child… how to deal with that?
Keeping the child on a rubber band is the only solution for pwBPD, letting go of, but still in control…
Control by pleasing with sweet words as they have magical power.

Back to you
Your child is also a personification of what she in rejected, you.
You, the persecutor in her life. The cause of all her misery (doesn’t matter who caused the break, you are the bad object)
Even her family are persecutors at this moment as they (as far as I remember your story) take care of your kid.
So reason to cut them of too.

So your child is affected and deeply hurt by ‘mom’, ‘mom’ being the re incarnation of MEDEA (Greek; the woman that killed her kids in order to punish their father), so punishing the bad object…

More comes into that. She is not at baseline, remember that.
You grieve and struggle but being strong to raise your kid.
She can’t, really can’t!
Just suppressing emotions by ‘having a good time’, whatever that means, with all that fills her void.
We know PwBPD suppresses their pain and yes, their deep and deep shame of their actions, as confronting their pain, their grieve and intense shame will cause so much, much more intense pain and grieve.
(don’t be confused with pain expressed during an outburst, that is towards the attachment, the love object, that is the hurt child expressing itself)

I wondered too with older kids, but it is futile.
These kids are damaged for life, take a look at the other sections of the board. Struggling and wondering, getting into therapy and finally discovering their pain. Pain they brought with them into their own relationship. As it will be an intergenerational inheritance…  

Been there, am there.
‘mom’ buying M-size T-shirts while he had L-size
‘mom’ looking at son on an airport, turns and left without saying goodbye… I was sitting next to him.
‘mom’ 2 times(!) not attending at sons graduation, for which he worked so hard, was so immense proud of…  
‘mom’ guiding him (manipulating) on that rubber band to live with her… now that he lives over there, he isn’t guided anymore… felt in a gap ( know that from her intimae) but it doesn’t matter as for ‘mom’ the love object is home again…

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone

Sorry I couldn't respond sooner

I have to believe that it may be a combination of a lot of things, reviewing her recent behaviour toward our son and myself, I have to trust that she's still using me as the "bad guy" to get pity from those ignorant enough to listen to her, namely her bf.

She's been telling people I won't allow her to visit our son, that is completely false, she has legal rights, full custody and there's nothing I could do to prevent her from seeing our son.

She's been uncooperative with my request she not involve me in discussing her relationship and health issues. I know that angered her because of the resistance she used in insisting she had a right to be inappropriate and not respect my bounderies.

One of the last encounters, she demonstrated a great deal of control and manipulation and told me she's going to marry her bf, highly inappropriate and immature and uncalled for.

She's angry that I'm doing well, she's always been jealous of me and competitive about my getting well.

I try to veer from my beliefs her actions have anything to do with me because I am already self centered.

She's angry, bitter and sick. She's giving up everything she has to just have fun, that's ok. Her choices and she has to live with them. I am getting what I always wanted, my son's safety and well-being and eventually full custody and perhaps his mother will wake up some day.

I haven't been angry about her for a few weeks, I realized that forgiveness is about me, not her. Every second I'm thinking about her is a very poor investment of my precious time, energy and health.

She was sick before I met her, during our relationship and just as sick or sicker now. Her abandoning our son has bought her a lot of serious fury from her family and everyone else involved. She's burying herself deeper every day and she's got one person in her life to support her, her deluded bf.

I ignored all the red flags, insisted on a relationship with her (BPD/NPD/HPD) and the result was a beautiful child that I love with all my heart. I've never been more happy, more joyful and thankful than I am today. I slip often and allow her and her past crazy into my mind and dwell on it but I have a choice to continue or let it go.

I let go of the harm my parents did to our family and I will let go of my son's mother as well.

I'm learning to be grateful for everything, complete opposite of my old ways.

Change takes time, we will never reach perfection and it's the journey that matters, I know where I will spend eternity so a few days of sorrow will fade very quickly.

I have a lot of work to do, we all do.

My fight is not with her or anyone else, my struggle is my own. My focus is me, my defects, my fear, my ego. My recovery, my relationship with my higher power, my son, my family, my friends, and myself are my priority. The healthier I become the less I will concern myself with past resentments and blame.

This is about me.

I wish each and everyone a very Blessed, Thanksgiving and I pray you all find peace. God bless you all and thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Tobiasfunke]

Hi jerry. Yeah I deep down thought that it wouldn't really happen when my lawyer and others would mention that she would probably see less and less of my boys. But 20 or so months later they gradually have been with me more and more. My guys seem to be doing well right now but I fear as they get to teenage years or even as adults they might have issues from perceived rejection or blame her for the dissolution of Our family, moving out of our old house into 2 other places. In your case get all your ducks in a row. Get as much custody support as you can. Judges and courts my be more sympathetic to you situation with a timeline and calendar of dates dr office visits without her school conferences without her. It may be a blessing not having her in his life that much or at all. Hard words to hear for me but more of us and less of them seems to be better for the kids. Your ex is making her bed. I see busboy going through a rough patch with his ex. It could be worse but still it's disheartening on us and fear the impact on our little ones. To be in your kids memories tomorrow you must be in their lives today.