Comforted to see that I'm not alone

[La Carotte]

We've been 'together' for a few years, lots of push-pull even in the first idyllic months when I was on the highest pedestal possible, and for the past 18 months we've been more Off than On, but still not ever gone more than a week or so without some kind of contact, often negative, initiated by one or other of us, but also sometimes wonderful:  fabulous holidays, intense weekends - basically if we can be on our own away from the real world we get on amazingly, and both seem to be able to 'forget' the past horrors and focus on dreams of our lovely future, convincing ourselves that this time it'll be different.

But come the end of the holiday or the end of the weekend, its the same old thing - she creates  a problem (usually something I've supposedly said or thought but haven't, or she's twisted) and I'm dumped before the days out, we had a terrible time really, every single crime of mine from the past (real and imaginary) are brought up as proff of my unworthiness and this time it is over Forever.

And so I go into a meltdown of panic because this time really Might be It, and I go all out to try and persuade her back, sure that with this email/text/phone message I can get her to see my worth and loyalty and realise how wrong she is... .all of which she either ignores, or says I'm being horrid.

And after a few days, I give up, calm down and think that now is the time to move on, it's over for good this time. And so silence for a few days and then she gets in touch wanting to know why I'm not bothered about her any more... .and so it all starts again.

It's been like this for about 18 months and each time I get so upset and am wasting my life obsessing, never moving on, because actually I don't want to, I want to be with her, I know it will never be easy but I am committed to her and so each time I convince myself that this time it will be different. And it never is.

But this last time has been a bit different, which is why I'm here, I suppose, because I wonder if I can maybe do something a bit different this time that might help a better outcome, but I need some help in how to do that please.

I realised that I don't actually mind the push pull thing if I don't think it's the end of the relationship. Even when things are good, theyre hard work, so a few days break gives me time to regroup.

I explained to her, and she seemed to understand and accept, that I knew she would find a reason to push me away after we'd been close, and that was okay. If she didn't say it was the end of the relationship, I knew I could just leave her to work through it and come back. But what I can't handle is that she says that this is it this time, it's definitely over for good. Because it might just be.

She said she understood and promised to try not to end it, and of course the promise lasted three days.

Even so, this time, I have not gone into Rescuing meltdown because
1- I finally realised it doesn't work
2- I'm trusting that all the evidence of the past suggests it isn't the end, no matter what she's said.

So in theory that's a lot of progress on my part, and potentially better. BUT.

BUT. There are two things I can't get my head round, which I'd like help working through if possible, please. And I'd like to be able to articulate to her better if she does come back again about what I want - in a way that isn't certain to trigger her and get us back to square one.

What I can't make ok in my head:

- Each time she ends the relationship, she really does believe it is over for good and so goes out/online looking for my replacement because she cannot bear to be alone and - by her own admission-is wanting to distract herself from thoughts of evil me. I cannot bear this. I believe that when we're together she is faithful, and if she was able to disappear after a disregulation but still see herself as in a relationship with me, she wouldn't go looking, but because she convinces herself that this time it's really over, she does. I don't want to be in this situation, it makes me feel horrible.

-I feel really disrespected and uncared for and like what I want doesn't count for anything. She knows who hard I find her ending the relationship and she doesnt care.  In theory I know that comes with the territory but I find it hard not to feel resentful.

- I want to be able to tell her that I am committed and know that she has to disappear but I cannot cope with her ending the relationship because of the two reasons above.

I'm sorry, this has turned out really long. I appreciate you reading all this and once again, thank you for this wonderful community.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

I I identify with a lot of this--especially the idea that I can cope with disappearances and push pull, so long as the basic premise that we are in a relationship isn't under attack. I'm the same.

But ... .Asking for rules about relationship implosion is missing the point that, when they are feeling like they want it to be over, they may really feel that it would be a huge relief to be done. You have to take seriously what dysregulation feels like--a strong impulse to get away and a strongly negative association with the thing you need to get away from. If you truly feel that, you aren't going to check your promises list and recall that you promised to ignore such impulses. The promises list itself is the thing you are rejecting. Does that make sense? Honoring an obligation when you are trying to flee obligations isn't very likely.

The pattern of this woman in your life is to say she wants to end with you, find someone new, then later change her mind and return to you. Very similar to the pattern of my ex. If you accept this is what she does, do you want to continue to participate?

[La Carotte]

Hi patientandclear
Yes, what you say makes complete sense, thank you.
In theory I'd like to be okay with it as I think I do believe that it's me really she wants and these others are just a distraction, reaction. But in reality I also feel humiliated, unvalued and like she doesn't care at all about my wellbeing, and so, no, I don't think I can carry on like that.
Besides I'm now at the stage where I think that this time might really be the end and I may never see her again and that makes me utterly miserable. I don't want to keep going through this. But I don't want to not have her in my life either. Argh!