Still Further Progress?

[Meili]

There have been several things that I've protest details about in my situation that people like Grey Kitty have dissected and pointed out where I erred. My x has asked me several times why I do some of the things that I do, and I never have a response that makes sense to her. It turns out that there might be a reason behind all of it.

The other day, in one of the email discussions about something happened that last for days, my x asked me if there was a possibility that I have Asperger's. This is something that I've wondered before as well. So, I asked my therapist about it. She strongly suspects it also, but didn't feel that there was a need for an "official diagnosis" because that would just be a label. She started to gear my therapy around it a while back without telling me.

The reason that I mention all of this is because when I relayed the information back to my x, she told me that explains a lot to her (she's well versed in autism stuff). She intimated that changed things between us (but not in a bad way), and she's been dealing with me completely differently since. She has not shown any signs of anger and has been very understanding when I do something that would normally upset her.

Last night, a couple of things that would have upset her in the past and would have resulted in several days of discussion via email happened. She showed no real signs of being upset. She did question one thing that I said, and left it alone after.

Normally, she'd expend a great deal of time and energy trying to get me to understand how she is feeling. There has been nothing like that today. In fact, today she told me that what normally happens is that she tells me something, I try to understand her emotions, and that's what leads to the extended discussions. But, she can't actually explain to me how she feels because she doesn't actually know a lot of the time.

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[foggydew]

This sounds pretty positive! Glad to hear that you are having some reasonable contact with your ex, it certainly seems as if a little better understanding is creeping in. Hope things continue in this way.

[Lilyroze]

This sounds pretty positive! Glad to hear that you are having some reasonable contact with your ex, it certainly seems as if a little better understanding is creeping in. Hope things continue in this way.

Fantastic Meili, so glad this is all getting a better understanding, help, friendship and more with your ex. Great news. I agree with Ms. wise sweet Foggydew completely. Keep going and see all the good times and love. Here is to more coming your way. I am very familiar with Asperger's as well. Just remember no matter what you have so much love to give, so much heart, so much wisdom and kindness. I am glad the ex is seeing the good now as well and working with you.

[Meili]

Thank you FD and LR.

I hope that it means that things are actually progressing.

I have been trying to look at the non-verbal cues that my x has been giving me. It struck me as odd that around here we talk about listening with empathy and paying less attention to their words and more attention to the emotions that we are trying to convey, but it's generally only discussed in dysregulation situations. I think that this should also be applied on the other side of things too.

Like, for instance, on Thursday night, I noticed that she was wearing the birthday present that I gave her. I know her well enough to know that she wouldn't do that if there had not been some change.

She has also started being more direct about what's on her mind. This is extremely beneficial to me, and hopefully it will be to "us." Time will tell.

While the unofficial diagnosis seems to have (at least temporarily) improved things between my x and me, it's left me questioning myself again and caused a bunch of insecurities to flare-up. I foresee this as a potential for conflict in the future if I don't reign things in.

[foggydew]

Meili, I think both words and emotions are important, positive and negative. I think we often overhear even the words. Now I can contemplate what was going on with my friend - and he did often speak his truth. I didn't hear it at the time. Possibly because it was mixed in with so many other things, including my own insecurities, wishes, etc.
Sorry about the insecurities, they are really difficult. I have my own that surface and make things even more difficult. Trying to deal with them is so important for us anyway. Best wishes, and nice to hear from you.

[Meili]

Well, I spent the day with my x (and at least 1,000 other bikers... .it was a great charity event!). She said that she had a great time too - right up until she discovered that the ow was one of the 1,000 at the end of the day.

For the first time though, her anger and frustration was aimed at the ow rather than me. I wasn't directly accused of or blamed for anything.

At one point, she did say something about me letting the ow that her being there was unacceptable. But, myx also made noises about "marking her territory."

Also, it was even kinda cool, one of the things that my x has repeatedly told me frustrates her is that when she has vehicle trouble, I'm not responsive or available. I, internally, debate the veracity of this statement. Today, her bike wouldn't start (dead battery) and I'm the person that she called. I was available to help. She got it started though, so I didn't actually have to go and save her. BUT, by the time that she arrived at the meetup location, some of the guys and I had mobilized and bought her a new battery (her other one has been bad for a year now... .she keeps on a charger) as her Christmas present. She knew that I orchestrated the whole thing even though I never took credit, and thanked me on multiple occasions throughout the day.

I was also able to show her changes that I've made in myself by not being completely insecure and jealous (my unwarranted insecurity and jealousy was a problem in our relationship). There was a even a short, three sentence, discussion about it, so I am pretty sure that she saw the change.

Anyway, it was a great day minus the ow.

[Meili]

Well, my x is still dealing with me and things between us differently from how she did in the past. But, the ow showing up on the charity ride (there were 1,000+ bikes on the ride!) has been a bit much for her this week. She's back to "you brought her into our r/s" and "it never will end." To her credit, there's an added twist now - my x is telling me that it won't change until she changes it and that she's going to pledge to not the let the ow bother her.

She's asked me to be silent today so that she can de-stress about the whole thing. I have no problem giving her that.

I was chatting with a friend this morning about our finding ourselves in no-win situations with pwBPD. I realized that the reason that we can't win is because we are playing their games. They make up the rules. They choose how and when we play. They even define what "winning" is. The only way for us to win is by refusing to play their game.

[ArleighBurke]

It's amazing that such a small change in her can make such a big difference! I guess she now has "an excuse" for "your bad behaviour" - she can blame the aspergers so it's not your fault!

But it sounds very positive!

[Meili]

Yeah, I hope that it sticks and she continues down this path.

Sadly, we still have a lot of history to deal with and her bad behavior. At this point, I'm basically taking a step back. We've both been dealing with a lot of drama because of her emotional arousal and the ow. It would be a huge boon to me if the ow would stop coming around and starting trouble.

Today, I'm going through that thing that we all go through when we don't know what is going on with our partner. I'm so used to the near constant communication throughout the day and her venting her frustrations and feelings to me, the silence is painful. It's far more painful to me than the raging is. That I don't take personally, the silence I do.

But, the ball is in her court now. I've done all that I can do. She will either have to figure out how to deal with her emotions regarding the ow and decide that we can move forward, or she won't.

[Meili]

Well, I found my breaking point over the long weekend (here in the US).

My x sent me an email telling me that because the ow won't disappear, my x is going to. Attached to the email was a screenshot of a social media conversation between one of my friends and the ow that didn't have anything to do with my x, me, or anything even remotely related; it was a "Happy Thanksgiving!" discussion.

It's one thing for my x to attack me. It's another thing for my x to be angry with and about the ow. It's something completely different for her or someone else to stalk my friends and us that as an excuse to rage.

I say "or someone else" because the screenshot didn't come from my x's phone. Someone else sent it to her. That's all just a bit over the top for me. I don't mind messing with me, but messing with others is over the line.

The "good" part of this is that she's showing her true colors to others. We tell people around here to not engage and directly deal with smear campaigns because the truth usually comes out anyway. The friend who was being cyber stalked found out about that and a lot more over the past week. Others seem to be finding out things little by little as well.

The most amazing and telling part to me was the sense of relief when I decided that I was done with all of this that I won't have to deal with my x anymore. My future feels so open and with endless possibilities.

[foggydew]

Well, at least it seems that decisions have been made, and your regrets have been limited. Sometimes it does so seem that what is going on is beyond all comprehension, and a life without this bog is much more attractive. Truly the future is open. I do hope you continue to feel like this and can continue on the way of freedom. Life is short enough.

[Meili]

Yeah, I truly have no regrets. I did all that I could do. In the past, I had wondered how much my contribution to the relationship kept us in the cycle. This time, it had nothing to do with me. I wasn't even involved.

My x tried to claim it was because I brought the ow into the relationship. While there is truth to that statement, she kept the ow there. My x and/or her friends purposefully sought out "proof" that the ow was still around. Even though she wasn't around me, my x, or even the motorcycling stuff.

The mutual friend that she wished Happy Thanksgiving was a friend of hers a year before I even knew that my x existed. I guess in my x's mind, the ow and all of my friends who are mutual with the ow should cease to communicate as well? Doesn't matter though, I know now that she was never going to actually try to work things out.

A huge part of me believes that the past month has just been my x leading me on in hopes of destroying the ow's life.

[Grey Kitty]

My x tried to claim it was because I brought the ow into the relationship. While there is truth to that statement, she kept the ow there.

Both x and ow were behaving badly, trying to involve you and make a mess. You made some mistakes earlier. You've learned.

I'd also note that x made some good progress here... .it sounds like she's even (somewhat) realized that she's triggered by ow, in situations where you are behaving well, and didn't really blame you for it. That is encouraging.

OTOH, the final admission that she is too wigged out about ow to be involved with you is pretty much all you need to know about x. She's unable to deal with her own mental health issues well enough to be in a relationship with you. At least today.

   I'm most pleased to see your realization that you are worth more than a relationship with that much drama and crap. I wish you well going forward into your wide open future!