New here. My intro

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Today I'm looking to cleanse my soul. I'm looking for answers, constructive criticism, advice, the works.
I spent 15 with a woman who initially had been diagnosed with anxiety disorder.  A few years later, depression. I vow to be there for her. I Believed in Loyalty no matter the matter. I was doing it.
Before going any further I wanna point out, I have no reason whatsoever to suspect my ex of infidelity. Work then home. Shopping then home. Family visits then home, so on and so forth.  Some flirting but not more than the average person. and so did I, but never I. Front of her anyone who new her. Of course with no malice.  As said in my initial post, I suffered ots of verbal, emotional, and mental anguish. The codependent aspect of our relationship was not made obvious until the relationship ended, when imoved out.  Ii noticed my codependency first.  Then later hers. Of course, at the outset it was not recognized as such.  Charity came about when I started a new career in outpatient psychotherapy. I developed an interest in the subject of mental disorders and I could identify and admit to myself some of my past behaviors were codependent.
I moved out. Was happy enough but hated that my ex never said she misses me. I told myself well that meant she actually never loved you. Instead of feeling hurt and staying hurt, I accepted what was apparent to me and moved on. Not looking for a relationship.  Something l that could help Reboost my confidence. I made new friends. Hung out a lot and partied a lot.  Then I made a new connection. She wasn't top of the line but good enough (at the time) to add to this wonderful and hopeful journey of rebuilding my smile. The relationship wasn't serious to me but nevertheless, I liked being admired after years and years of invalidation.
Where's this boring wank wank wank story going? New gf also suffered with anxiety/panic disorder... .AKA diagnose BPD (unknown to me at the time) but hid behind the panic attacks.  Once I spent a few hours reading here, last night I realized most likely I dated her because she reminded me of my ex but she was "sexier" & more exciting to be around.
I told the new woman, I have been in a long-term relationship and right now I wasn't interested in anything serious. Let's have fun and see where it goes.  But of course pwBPD neither have nor respect boundaries, so you should know how that went with her sense of entitlement and all.  To be honest with her sexual appetite, which I loved, I knew she wasn't fit for something serious. However, all my other ex could see is how my new gf admired me and how I was enjoying life with friends, without her. While she was still wallowing in her misery.
Fortunately, the new gfwBPD did what people with BPD do. Within six months of our relationship, she flaked.  3months later, she disappeared and I didn't hear from her or see her for another 6 months. But before she left, I had lost my job, the new friends, my nice apartment which I was only able to afford because of this great job with an outpatient psychotherapy clinic.
First my mom dies...   Took a lot out of me.  Then I thought I met the woman of my dreams & spent 15+ years in an abusive relationship. Took some more out of me. Then I meet a woman that admired me as much as I had always wished the woman of my dreams ^^^ did, and she disappears taking with her people and a livelihood she had not contribute to.   Brought nothing to the table but sex and chaos, and took everything I had proudly achieved on my own. Now the ex who once was the woman of my dreams,  wants me back but she brings back the words of memories of my time with her.
My family might think im down because of the newest BPD ex flaking but you who have been affected by someone with a PD, do the math and tell me what you come up with.  This is what I've got... .
My mom dies. I can never get my mom & friend back. That left a hole in me  Being around the woman of my dreams (1st ex) brings me to a fragile emotional state.  I can't love her anymore.  Which I could. Then I run straight into the trap of a pwBPD.  She didn't walk into my life. She stomped her way in and created another hole. With no authority and no permission but I let her stand in the hole that she created too long.  Deceit galore; to say the least. That hole wasn't there. And I didn't need it there. But perhaps, I needed to repair other areas of my space and strengthen my emotional foundation, then she wouldn't have been able to make a hole. Nobody's perfect, correct? I always knew that and that's what I was slowly working towards, before the pwBPD occurrence.

Should I be moving on with my life atm as if nothing happened?
Do you believe the pwBPD is my problem or did the most damage? I think she wouldn't have been able to hurt me at all if the other things had not weaken me.  I don't think I ever loved her. She never loved me. And I'm okay with that now. Don't be afraid. Come with it. I need the truth no matter how harsh. This is my road to recovery.

I will appreciate any insight

Thanks for reading

[FallBack!Monster]

Today I'm looking to cleanse my soul. I'm looking for answers, constructive criticism, advice, the works.
I spent 15 with a woman who initially had been diagnosed with anxiety disorder.  A few years later, depression. I vow to be there for her. I Believed in Loyalty no matter the matter. I was doing it.
Before going any further I wanna point out, I have no reason whatsoever to suspect my ex of infidelity. Work then home. Shopping then home. Family visits then home, so on and so forth.  Some flirting but not more than the average person. and so did I, but never I. Front of her anyone who new her. Of course with no malice.  As said in my initial post, I suffered ots of verbal, emotional, and mental anguish. The codependent aspect of our relationship was not made obvious until the relationship ended, when imoved out.  Ii noticed my codependency first.  Then later hers. Of course, at the outset it was not recognized as such.  Charity came about when I started a new career in outpatient psychotherapy. I developed an interest in the subject of mental disorders and I could identify and admit to myself some of my past behaviors were codependent.
I moved out. Was happy enough but hated that my ex never said she misses me. I told myself well that meant she actually never loved you. Instead of feeling hurt and staying hurt, I accepted what was apparent to me and moved on. Not looking for a relationship.  Something l that could help Reboost my confidence. I made new friends. Hung out a lot and partied a lot.  Then I made a new connection. She wasn't top of the line but good enough (at the time) to add to this wonderful and hopeful journey of rebuilding my smile. The relationship wasn't serious to me but nevertheless, I liked being admired after years and years of invalidation.
Where's this boring wank wank wank story going? New gf also suffered with anxiety/panic disorder... .AKA diagnose BPD (unknown to me at the time) but hid behind the panic attacks.  Once I spent a few hours reading here, last night I realized most likely I dated her because she reminded me of my ex but she was "sexier" & more exciting to be around.
I told the new woman, I have been in a long-term relationship and right now I wasn't interested in anything serious. Let's have fun and see where it goes.  But of course pwBPD neither have nor respect boundaries, so you should know how that went with her sense of entitlement and all.  To be honest with her sexual appetite, which I loved, I knew she wasn't fit for something serious. However, all my other ex could see is how my new gf admired me and how I was enjoying life with friends, without her. While she was still wallowing in her misery.
Fortunately, the new gfwBPD did what people with BPD do. Within six months of our relationship, she flaked.  3months later, she disappeared and I didn't hear from her or see her for another 6 months. But before she left, I had lost my job, the new friends, my nice apartment which I was only able to afford because of this great job with an outpatient psychotherapy clinic.
First my mom dies...   Took a lot out of me.  Then I thought I met the woman of my dreams & spent 15+ years in an abusive relationship. Took some more out of me. Then I meet a woman that admired me as much as I had always wished the woman of my dreams ^^^ did, and she disappears taking with her people and a livelihood she had not contribute to.   Brought nothing to the table but sex and chaos, and took everything I had proudly achieved on my own. Now the ex who once was the woman of my dreams,  wants me back but she brings back the words of memories of my time with her.
My family might think im down because of the newest BPD ex flaking but you who have been affected by someone with a PD, do the math and tell me what you come up with.  This is what I've got... .
My mom dies. I can never get my mom & friend back. That left a hole in me  Being around the woman of my dreams (1st ex) brings me to a fragile emotional state.  I can't love her anymore.  Which I could. Then I run straight into the trap of a pwBPD.  She didn't walk into my life. She stomped her way in and created another hole. With no authority and no permission but I let her stand in the hole that she created too long.  Deceit galore; to say the least. That hole wasn't there. And I didn't need it there. But perhaps, I needed to repair other areas of my space and strengthen my emotional foundation, then she wouldn't have been able to make a hole. Nobody's perfect, correct? I always knew that and that's what I was slowly working towards, before the pwBPD occurrence.

Should I be moving on with my life atm as if nothing happened?
Do you believe the pwBPD is my problem or did the most damage? I think she wouldn't have been able to hurt me at all if the other things had not weaken me.  I don't think I ever loved her. She never loved me. And I'm okay with that now. Don't be afraid. Come with it. I need the truth no matter how harsh. This is my road to recovery.

I will appreciate any insight

Thanks for reading

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi RunningSlow-

And welcome!  Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sorry you went through all that, it is very painful and confusing, although it's not unique around here, we've all been there and we understand.

Should I be moving on with my life atm as if nothing happened?

Things did happen, so pretending they didn't won't work as well as changing what you make them mean in a way the supports you.

Do you believe the pwBPD is my problem or did the most damage? I think she wouldn't have been able to hurt me at all if the other things had not weaken me.  I don't think I ever loved her. She never loved me.

I think it depends on why you started the latest relationship.  Losing a parent is a significant loss for anyone, and depending on how close you were, it can be devastating, and being in a long term relationship, that feels "normal" to you, so yes, being in a vulnerable place we'll want to seek "normal" for comfort, and if that's what you thought you were getting with the new gal, and it's not what you got, that would be disappointing, at least.  And really, isn't it a more grounded perspective to go into a new relationship wanting to give instead of wanting to take?  And wanting to give means we're already full, we're not looking to someone else to fill us up.  You did mention to her that you had been in a long term relationship and weren't looking for anything serious, and that you didn't love her, so to move on it can be helpful to dig and see what it was, what part of you the new gal touched that got to you in a way that brought you here, do you know? 

Detachment is a grand adventure, and taking it can result in profound growth and self-awareness.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

[FallBack!Monster]

And really, isn't it a more grounded perspective to go into a new relationship wanting to give instead of wanting to take?
I gave love. Lots of it. Attention and affection, to say the least. 

And wanting to give means we're already full, we're not looking to someone else to fill us up.
This quote leads me to believe i misunderstood the first one.

You did mention to her that you had been in a long term relationship and weren't looking for anything serious, and that you didn't love her, so to move on it can be helpful to dig and see what it was, what part of you the new gal touched that got to you in a way that brought you here, do you know? 
Absolutely. She definitely wasn't saying the horrible things my ex did for all the years. New gal said I was great and loved spending time with me. I thought it was authentic. Thought it was proof that my ex was wrong about me. Which is exactly what I needed to see and hear.  However, I always believed she was wrong and it was her misery talking, but it was nice to hear someone else agreed with me. The exwBPD received the love, attention, tenderness, intimacy and care I had which i was able to give the mean one. gfwBPD got lucky because obviously she did nothing to earn it, but fake smile a lot and filled my head with things she herself is not able to fully or truly understand.
 Needing plenty of help moving on from this PDs mess. I hope I'm in the right place. Please help.

and it serves us that's one to grow on.

[fromheeltoheal]

Absolutely. She definitely wasn't saying the horrible things my ex did for all the years. New gal said I was great and loved spending time with me. I thought it was authentic. Thought it was proof that my ex was wrong about me. Which is exactly what I needed to see and hear.  However, I always believed she was wrong and it was her misery talking, but it was nice to hear someone else agreed with me. The exwBPD received the love, attention, tenderness, intimacy and care I had which i was able to give the mean one. gfwBPD got lucky because obviously she did nothing to earn it, but fake smile a lot and filled my head with things she herself is not able to fully or truly understand.
 Needing plenty of help moving on from this PDs mess. I hope I'm in the right place. Please help.

I think I understand Running.  You were in a long term relationship that wasn't working and once it ended you started a relationship with someone who gave you all the things your ex didn't, it felt great, although it was early, there wasn't much history, and you were in the infatuation stage of the relationship where everything is awesome, or so it seemed, but you realized that is was "fake", or at least too much too soon, is that a little accurate?

It's best to focus on the behaviors and how they affected you, rather than labeling folks with personality disorders, which can help when we see behaviors that are traits of a disorder, but we can go too far down that path and lose sight of why we're here, which is to gain new self-awareness and eventually shift the focus to ourselves, so we can grow, heal and detach.

So how long has it been since you communicated with both the long term gal and the new one?  And what's the goal, moving forward?

[Renard]

RunningSlow,

I'm not sure I've got this exactly right, but your longer post reads as though you're trying to sort out whether you're to blame for things more than your ex/partner(s). If I'm close you might consider repositioning that line of thought. That is, you might find it useful to ask yourself why you've made and make the choices you do rather than give too much energy to the question of blame (even if you're getting at blame indirectly).

Whether I'm right or wrong isn't so much the point at the moment. Instead, I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've experienced. May you find some comfort and some healing. I have found this site has good resources so I encourage you to keep writing and keep reading.

[FallBack!Monster]

"fake", or at least too much too soon, is that a little accurate?
Exactly.

So how long has it been since you communicated with both the long term gal and the new one?
The long term gal, about 5 years. The other ended 2 years ago with the occasional "goal oriented" surprise visits, which ended around 4 to 5 months ago. We' have remained NC since the discard. 

And what's the goal, moving forward? To grow, heal and detach.

[fromheeltoheal]

So how long has it been since you communicated with both the long term gal and the new one?

The long term gal, about 5 years. The other ended 2 years ago with the occasional "goal oriented" surprise visits, which ended around 4 to 5 months ago. We' have remained NC since the discard.  

OK, good, thanks for clarifying.  Growing, healing and detaching is the goal for all of us here so you're in the right place.  :)on't know if you've noticed, but the stages of detachment over there --------->
can serve as a road map of sorts, a way to check in and see where we are in our detachment; where do you think you are?

And many members have gotten value from this article https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

And 5 years and 2 years is quite a while.  Have you considered going and talking to a therapist or counselor?  Participating on this site and talking to someone trained live can be a great combo, as you dive in and address whatever's going on.  After a while of being out of a relationship, when our ex isn't influencing us anymore and hasn't for a while, it becomes entirely about us and what we make things mean, and all of that is changeable in a way that supports and empowers us.

[FallBack!Monster]

Sadly, I think I'm on the 2nd stage. However I don't blame the death on my mother, as we all know death is inevitable.
My long time relationship, although I resent her, I blame her mental health.  Honestly, at one point she was a really nice and dependable person. On the other hand I believe the pwBPD did come into my life with I'll intensions. Listen to all my hurt stories and quickly poking into it. Starting by given me compliments with no feelings behind it, pretending to be a fun and exciting friend to me, and ultimately but covertly ruining everything her envy said had to be destroyed about my life.  she was never dependable. I say this because stage 2 states to prove your feelings and to give you further insight into my situation.