BPD (future) in-laws boxing me out/wedding issues

[Bspring555]

Hi there, first post so... .deep breath. Over past 16 months I've been through an endless volcano of BPD/enmeshment with my finance's family (mom, dad, younger bro and sis) in which our relationship (and each of us individually) are continually the catalyst and lightning rod for everything wrong in the family. Ours was truly the first adult relationship that any of the children had ever had (my fiance was 34!), and they erupted over a very minor incident when we tried to set basic boundaries with the fam 5 months into our dating. It has been truly awful, distressing, confusing, and abusive. We have both despaired, each at different points, but we have grown tremendously as a couple and we keep forging ahead. Literally nothing we do or say ever helps our position with the family. And his family members keep wanting to rehash the past and cast blame/punish us. And so it goes. I literally would be up all night typing out everything that's been thrown at us.

They have incessantly villainized and abused my fiancé (oh and me too... .sometimes I forget that part) though he has been enduring his new status as black sheep as best he can with a LOT of therapy for both of us. There have been repeated efforts to separate him from me for family dinners, holidays, etc., so we have begun enforcing a new "no exclusivity" rule. It isn't that I love seeing people who don't want me in the family-- rather, we both know their bullying and abuse amplifies when I'm not around to mirror their behaviors, and overall dealing with the family is a challenge that we prefer to approach head-on as a team and support each other as we do so.

Now, his BPD mom (my diagnosis as a non-psych physician) is giving him ultimatums that if he really cares about the family, he must agree to meet his parents in person WITHOUT me. Otherwise she is withholding all communications (which she actually does anyway). She pulled this while he was visiting my family on Thanksgiving, less than 24 hours before we were meant to return home to see them for the holiday.

My concern at the moment is our wedding in 10 months. As it stands now, he will likely have no family members attending. (All 4 of them refused to come to our engagement party). It is heartbreaking to imagine him without his family on his wedding day, but we are torn with how to proceed here. Is it worth letting go of our "limit" that meetings must include both of us, or do we hold our ground? Any other tips for getting through the wedding, especially since I'm more or less the source of the family's (albeit misplaced) resentment? Any other goals that we can try to set for ourselves over the next 10 months? Many thanks

[Turkish]

Does this team effort include times when you aren't together? As in,  he won't interact with them at all of you're not there to support him?

[Bspring555]

Does this team effort include times when you aren't together? As in,  he won't interact with them at all of you're not there to support him?

Oh he takes their phone calls, emails, etc. on his own. And if I needed to be absent, he could certainly handle a meeting without me there. At this point, our issue is with them respecting us as a couple and not creating scenarios that specifically exclude me.

[Turkish]

If they are throwing a tantrum about the engagement party,  it's hard to see them attending the wedding.  Even so,  and not causing drama.  We've seen it here.  It's definitely sad that some of them won't attend,  but that's on them.  What are your thoughts about sending invitations to the wedding anyway? "Punishing" them by not sending invitations might validate their poor behavior.  The concern is if they show up in order to cause drama and ruin your wedding. 

[Bspring555]

I've gradually been realizing myself that they probably won't come. They'll find another imaginary reason why we've offended them at the last minute and back out or throw a tantrum the day of. They have already offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and subsequently backed out on it. His family members, especially parents, frequently make a big show of "generosity" toward us only to rescind it when we don't live up to their expectations.

I'm finding these "last minute scenarios" playing out in my head more concerning than them not coming. Early on, I floated the idea of security at the event but budget won't allow it. I hired a woman widely known as the best planner in the city to help navigate and be a buffer for the inevitable chaos. We will have no wedding website or registries under our public names. I'm not sure what I'm guarding against, but it feels like something is going to drop eventually.

Fiance still wants to invite them, and I'm okay with that at the moment. If they lash out at me again, I may change my position. I hear you that not inviting them would definitely be seen as "punishment", so will save this for last resort. Fiance's just getting to point where he's acknowledging that they will not be in the wedding party. He is working with his T on tempering his expectations for outcomes. We're def in different places but taking it one step at a time.

[Bspring555]

We haven't even told them the date yet. Also, it's 2 days after his mother's 60th birthday... .

[Fie]

Hello BSpring

What a difficult and stressing situation you are finding yourself in. But congrats on the upcoming wedding !

How wonderful that both your fiancé and you are working so much on understanding each other and on communication. I think you are on a very good track there !

is it worth letting go of our "limit" that meetings must include both of us, or do we hold our ground?

You set a boundary by telling his parents you only want to meet them as a couple. It really does not matter if they like this boundary, or not (BPD never like them btw). Boundaries are personal, and they only are real boundaries if you stick to them.

What would happen if the meetings with the parents of your fiancé would become so rare that in reality there would be rather very low contact ? How would you feel about that ? And how would your fiancé feel you think ? Did you both talk about this ?

[Bspring555]

What would happen if the meetings with the parents of your fiancé would become so rare that in reality there would be rather very low contact ? How would you feel about that ? And how would your fiancé feel you think ? Did you both talk about this ?

Hi Fie! Thanks for the support. We have def discussed this, and the level of contact has sort of naturally been tapering off as we enforce our boundaries. We're ok with it. We are NC with siblings at this time, though that waxes/wanes too. I will say that the act of going from NC/LC back to contact seems triggering for them-- there tends to be excessive importance/weight placed on these meetings and mother will often cancel at last minute (I think she gets overwhelmed that it might go badly). Then, if things go well with the parents, the brother will inevitably fly back home and work everyone back into a frenzy. If we truly go LC/NC, we probably wouldn't want a "reunion" right before the wedding... .

Does that make sense/do others experience this too?

[Fie]

It is heartbreaking to imagine him without his family on his wedding day

I am very LC with my own FOO, and it's rather them choosing not to see me, than my conscious decision to not see them. So I do understand the pain of your fiancé.
However, there is a silver lining to all of this. If they decide not to turn up for the wedding, you will be sure that no dysfunctional family member will turn your beautiful day into a mess. No drama !

Just in case they do turn up, is your wedding planner aware of the family dynamics ? Will she be present, so she can intervene when drama occurs ? Or can someone else, a good friend or so, take up this role ?

There is a good chance your fiancé won't have his FOO attending his wedding. But this does *not* mean that there won't be family : you in the first place will be family !  
Does he get along with your family ? Does he have friends he considers very close who will attend ?

Being NC with your family can be painful, I can testify to that. But if they can only behave in toxic ways, sometimes it's for the best. Life does not stop there, although it's painful. Sometimes it helps to figure out alternatives. F.e. to consider a few good friends as family.

Does that make sense to you ?

Maybe you think it can be a good idea to have a few sessions of premarital couple counseling ? BPD is very hard to deal with, and you both can use all of the help you can get ?

Also do not hesitate to post more here. It definitely will help you to see more clear, and we all understand the dynamics of BPD and can relate.

[Bspring555]

Thanks for these great ideas! We have been in counseling for well over a year specifically to deal with the family issues, so fortunately good support there.

My family loves him and pretty much everyone important to us is aware of what's going on. The rabbi & wedding planner are on top of it (and I know they've dealt with their share of family drama before).

We've decided not to have a "traditional" wedding party or processional-- i.e. instead of parents/siblings from both sides marching down the aisle in formation, we will invite our friends and some fam to have special roles in our day and honor them through their involvement (readings, speeches, ketubah signing, etc). Less of a spotlight shining on the absence of his family this way, I figure.

Bonus: we don't have to invite his parents' friends... . 

Anyone with other thoughts on resources (other than therapy) for when you go NC?

[Notwendy]

Hi Bspring,

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

I think it is great that the two of you have been in therapy to deal with your fiance's family.

Whether you go NC with them or not, as a couple, keep in mind that these family dynamics were in existence before you two met. Families exist as a system- and when there is dysfunction, the other members adopt behavior patterns that tend to "balance" the system. The members may not have a mental disorder, but their behaviors that are adaptive in the family may also not be the best way to manage the issues. The good news is that learned behaviors can be unlearned and replaced with better ones. Your fiance was raised in this system, and IMHO, breaking these patterns can take some personal work.

I speak from experience being raised by a mother with BPD. There is the relationship with me and my H as a couple, but also the relationship with me that was years longer and the patterns between us are older than the relationship I had with my H at the time of my wedding. I did not go NC with her, but have had to do some personal work to decrease the drama between us. Although my H can be supportive of me, that personal work is mine to do.

Your fiance is lucky to have you for support. One of my fears of growing up with a BPD mom is that people would reject me because my FOO wasn't normal. I have been a stable parent and wife in my family, so I believe in the potential for your FI to be a great father and husband. However, dealing with his family is - as you see- difficult- and it can take some work on his part to learn to change some of the patterns of dysfunction when he does deal with them.

The lessons on this board are very helpful with learning to communicate and decrease the drama in a relationship with someone with BPD. This can be helpful to you as you consider your choices- NC, LC. But it is important to understand that your FI will be dealing with the emotions involved in this. Even if his FOO is disordered, they are still his FOO.

At the height of drama between me and my mother ( after my father passed away), I asked my H to come with me when I visited her, because I couldn't handle her emotionally, and she is at her worst when I am alone with her. Having a witness keeps her from behaving too badly. However, with personal work, (T and co-dependency groups) and the lessons here, I am able to visit her and maintain my composure. She is still disordered, but the drama between us is diminished as I am less reactive to her and do not resort to old disordered patterns.

One model I will point out to you is the drama triangle, which seems to be how disordered families operate. There are only three roles-victim, persecutor, rescuer. Taking on any of these roles can add to the drama. When there is a change in a family member - it can upset the family system. You entering your fiance's life is a change. It looks like his mother saw you as persecutor. While I commend you for supporting your FI, I will also caution you about triangles. You, FI, mother are a potential triangle for this family to have drama over. It may help you to see how they operate in a drama triangle so that you don't inadvertently participate in it. Our goal is to decrease the drama. Posting here, the tools on this board and the T you are doing,  can help. It is up to your FI to do any personal T or work- it has to be his choice. I wanted to do this on my own. However the two of you can take steps to create a happy marriage and deal with his family as a couple.

And, you don't have to invite anyone to your wedding who could potentially spoil your happy day.