Nothing I tried worked, and I feel like I should throw in the towel.

[Thrive]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post. 

The current situation is: my uBPDb is experiencing a stressful life transition, and while I’ve done  everything I could think of over the last two weeks to be supportive, empathetic, and helpful, he still descended into a melt-down which culminated in him giving me the silent treatment for the last week; and I know I can’t take anymore. 

Like everyone dealing with this behavior, I still love him, and have struggled to leave him for over a year.  He becomes enraged over minor or trivial things (me missing a phone call, or my being too quiet, or having a bad day).  Once he is triggered, he will be as verbally and emotionally abusive as possible.  My job has been to remain calm (it doesn’t always work), while anything I do to try and de-escalate the situation enrages him more.  He’s basically a giant toddler throwing a grown man sized fit, and I’m supposed to be his mommy, his lover, his punching bag, and Christ all rolled into one. 

To sum up quickly the current situation, last week his ex-wife passed away.  They have been divorced for over six years.  There all kinds of weird interplay and issues within the family, but current issue is now he will have sole custody of his three teenagers (two of whom are acting self destructively).  While trying to do everything I could think to offer to be his support, he proceeded to blow up at me one morning for missing his early morning call—because I was asleep.  I tried to call him back, but by that point it was done.  He was enraged.  He ignored me the rest of the day.  The next day he sent a text (to indicate I was being released from the dark hole of the silent treatment), and I tried to explain that I would not have done what he said, because I had been doing whatever I could to show I care…so it made no sense to act uncaring suddenly.  This plea made no headway with him, and I finally said that I couldn’t take this anymore; to which he replied…Bye.  A week went by and I heard nothing from him.  I did not reach out to him either because I honestly assumed it must be over. 

Now he wants to get together to talk, and I already feel exhausted at the idea.  In the past, when I have tried to resolve what I naively thought were “misunderstandings” the conversations went around and around.  He would tell me what I did —I would try and say "truly—that’s NOT what I did! I didn’t say that, I didn’t DO that." His response would be to scream, "YES YOU DID! DON’T LIE!"

He’s repeatedly accused me of gas lighting and manipulating him.  He’s told me I force him to be angry.

When things are good (just like what everyone is experiencing) it’s so wonderful.  But on a dime, that all changes.  He has asked if I want to talk. I miss him very much, I love the other (lucid) personality of his, but I see no way forward. I feel stuck.  I don’t even know what I want.  To leave him, or keep trying.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LostInMemories]

Hello Thrive and welcome

I'm very sorry for your situation. You will find countless similar stories on this forum (scary how similar really). I'm not really good at giving advice since I seem to be making the worst choices myself, but what I would do is follow my heart. Do what your feelings tell you to do, but beware not to destroy yourself just for the sake of making it work. Making a relationship with a pwBPD work is possible but it requires an almost infinite supply of patience.

If your feelings are telling you that you honestly can't take this anymore, than don't push yourself because it will destroy you. If your feelings tell you to give it one more chance, then do that, but be VERY clear to him this is his very last chance, and just be honest and tell him the things that are bothering you. Then it's on him to act on it (although that's a lot to ask from a pwBPD).

Really nobody can make the decision but yourself. Good luck, and stay strong. No matter what you decide things will not be easy, but this forum gave me a lot of support and I'm sure it will do the same for you.

Excuse my bad grammar

[Thrive]

Hi Thijmen156,

Thank you for the welcome and the help.  I read as a visitor on the boards before I joined, and I agree, it's scary how alike all the stories are. It's incredible, it's heartbreaking, and it's mind boggling that varied human beings could all display the exact same character traits... .straight down to the phrases they use.

I'm grateful to be here and talk. It means everything to know that I am not loosing my mind and I am not alone; because it feels that way frequently.

Your advice is right, and the most genuine way to proceed. 

Following through on walking away is where I break down. I know if I draw a line in the sand, that's where I need to be emotionally and psychologically--committed to walking away.   

I feel like those with BPD live for circling the drain. The chaos and drama connected to the idea of nearly destroying themselves and everything around them. I think it makes them feel alive, powerful (or some how in control), and probably kind of intoxicated.

And your grammar is perfect!

[LostInMemories]

It means everything to know that I am not loosing my mind and I am not alone; because it feels that way frequently.

Yep, I felt like this a lot (and still feel like it sometimes), but we are not the crazy ones! Although they make us feel like we are.

It's incredible, it's heartbreaking, and it's mind boggling that varied human beings could all display the exact same character traits... .straight down to the phrases they use.

Exactly! When I first came to this forum I read a story and was like: whut, that's my story! Like you say: Straight down to the phrases they use, just the names and timelines are different. Very scary.

And your grammar is perfect! Doing the right thing

Thanks :D I try haha! It takes a lot of energy to put these feelings into words, especially in a different language.

I hope you're doing well, keep us updates on the progress

[patientandclear]

You probably could benefit from reading about communication tools. Sounds like you JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain) and could benefit from validating instead. This is a useful skill even outside BPD relationships. Sounds like you try to explain to him why he is wrong rather than engaging his underlying feelings. You can read tools here that provide examples of both JADE and validation.

[Thrive]

Hi patientandclear,

Yes, you're right about that, I do JADE.  It gets me no-where and simply adds to my stress. Thank you for directing me there. I had not read up on JADE. 

It's a strong reaction (and now a pretty entrenched habit) to growing up with highly abusive mother, and coming to a point (at about 19) where I decided to stand up for myself and not accept a false version of reality any longer.  In order to do that, I became very meticulous about supporting (with lots of facts) why the accusation was unwarranted. My thinking was I couldn't match her emotional dis-regulation, but I could out-think her.

When you are dealing with disordered thinking, you will be accused of all manner of things.  You could have spent your entire life (I know from personal experience) having shown how consistent, understanding, patient, thoughtful, and hardworking you are, or how much integrity you have; only to be accused of every horrible character trait known to mankind the minute this individual doesn't "feel right."

I believe there is a great deal of good in validating someone's feelings, but I worry about crossing the line into enabling.

So--not an excuse, or an attempt to not own my part of the dynamic, but more of an explanation of how I got into that type of communication.

[an0ught]

Hi Thrive,

It's a strong reaction (and now a pretty entrenched habit) to growing up with highly abusive mother, and coming to a point (at about 19) where I decided to stand up for myself and not accept a false version of reality any longer.

Parents with a distorted view of reality can be scary . I wished I could not visualize exactly the point when having to decide what was my reality 

I believe there is a great deal of good in validating someone's feelings, but I worry about crossing the line into enabling.

Validation is a lot about understanding the other side. Properly done the risks for enabling is limited. Often it helps to tie our statements loosely back to the real world, to abstract the stated ideas or to focus on the motivation of the other rather than parroting sentences back.

In order to do that, I became very meticulous about supporting (with lots of facts) why the accusation was unwarranted.

The risk here is that the facts are not heard. The SET mechanism is structured in a way that validation comes first in order to get the emotional excitement low enough to get through with facts. If one treats stating facts as defense against accusations then one is on the JADE road which usually invalidates and leads to escalations.

Now he wants to get together to talk, and I already feel exhausted at the idea.  In the past, when I have tried to resolve what I naively thought were “misunderstandings” the conversations went around and around.  He would tell me what I did —I would try and say "truly—that’s NOT what I did! I didn’t say that, I didn’t DO that." His response would be to scream, "YES YOU DID! DON’T LIE!"

You seem to jump into JADE mode easily. Try to think of ways to deal with such situations either with SET or with Boundaries. It is ok to disagree. It is his problem not having a stable position. It is only a problem for you if you have to base a commitment on it. Otherwise maybe once black and once white are his ways to express he can't decide or show flexibility.

Prioritize - you write you are exhausted but that is also the result of you getting baited into arguments left right and center. You are your own person. You are now adult. You have boundaries. Your reality is not under threat by him. Engage tightly in arguments and he swings you around. Engage loosely and you can maintain perspective. Validation is a very powerful means to eject projection. YOU may believe it enables - now that I said it it is a lot clearer in my mind that it is your problem and I will drink my Sunday coffee in a much more relaxed state of mind.

[Thrive]

YOU may believe it enables - now that I said it it is a lot clearer in my mind that it is your problem and I will drink my Sunday coffee in a much more relaxed state of mind. cheesy

I seemed to have said something you did not want to hear, or that struck a nerve. I would question why.

My exact quote:

but I worry about crossing the line into enabling.

When involved in an abusive relationship... .engaging in any behavior that could make my situation worse, or encourage behavior that could be hurtful or damaging to me... .is a completely valid worry. A concern.

My well being matters every bit as much as the individual I was in a relationship with. I have the right to think through and question any and all strategies to determine if they help me reach a place that is healthy for me.

[patientandclear]

So true.

Having to hear the stuff that one predictably will hear from one's partner in a BPD relationship takes a toll for many of us. I think it's healthy to recognize that, and healthy not to just assume it's a cost worth paying because nothing would be worse than losing the r/ship. Like you, my own limits in my BPD dynamic had something to do with past abuse patterns I need not to repeat or allow. Maybe for someone else the way my needs got invisibilized in this r/ship would not have been such a problem, but for me, given my specific history, it is very harmful. And yes, for me, enabling--not setting boundaries around some of that--is a sign that I've lost my way.

Whether validation done well is enabling is an interesting question. If there are no negative consequences to poor behavior ever, why not continue to engage in it?

[Skip]

What has happened over the last six month?  Update?