Abandoned

[kernel]

Hi,
I am writing today for help to move on with my life. I am still blindsided and devastated over what has transpired in my life It has been almost a year since my now ex husband ran out of the house after twenty six years of marriage. I thought we were okay. He had always been distant. But then he would give me a moment of attention. His moods would swing from frantic and over the top silly to sullen and depressed. He was addicted to his computer and avoid his family for hours in a day but most days, over the years he was just quiet and a man of few words. He would not fight. He rarely conversed.  Just silence when I was upset over something and that would drive me crazy that he never had an opinion. Over the years he would casually say to me that there was something wrong with him. It was strange but I chalked it up to the fact that he came from a dysfunctional family and would accept him, flaws and all. I almost became addicted to his personality. Taking his emotional abuse for that moment of attention. He did go to work. He pursued his career and became principal of a school with the support of myself and my father, also a principal, to guide him in his endeavors. We had a plan to support him while I raised the kids then he would support me in school. I never got that chance. My life began to change about four years ago. His brother past away at the age of forty nine as a result of years of alcohol abuse.  A brother he had not talked to or cared about for thirty years but he began to write on his Facebook about him like he had lost his best friend, someone he could not live without. His emotional abusive became more intense and calculating and the gas lighting was relentless. I would call him out on his behavior many times and it was like he had amnesia. I don't know if he really did not remember some things he did or just lied. He had an affair with a co-worker and they were caught " together" in the school during the school day. Very risky behavior. Also He had burns all the time. I would ask him where they came from and he would have some excuse or start an argument. I noticed strange burns all throughout our marriage and have since discovered he has burned himself since a teenager. Everyday it was a different mood, he would tell me he loved me and would never leave me then the next day take off for the night only to come back in the morning and shower me with attention. Dec 10 2015 he told me to book a hotel so we could go on vacation. Dec 11 I woke up to him biting me and he ran out. I have not seen him since. The kids have not seen him. We don't know where he is living. He is still going to work and I found out the day he left he dressed up like santa claus for the work Christmas party like nothing happened. I discovered pictures on the computer that he took of himself that were sexually deviant to say the least and also of his burns. i don't know why he took pictures of his burns. I did email him and say for the kids, please hospitalize yourself and i will help you,if you can be honest with us.He did not respond.  I could go on and on about his cruel behavior but he is gone so now.  I am left at  49, alone, financially devastated,  broken hearted  and no answers. I should hate him but I am still attached somehow. How do i move on? How do I not cry everyday. Why did i take the abuse? Why didn't I know what the burns were? and has anyone ever heard of a man self harming by burning himself for over thirty years and lied about it to keep it a secret? Is this BPD?
Kernel

[sad but wiser]

Dear Kernal,
  It does not sound like BPD to me, but certainly a mental disorder.  I think he scared himself and is trying to protect you by leaving.  Please get to a counselor as soon as you can.  This is a lot to deal with.  I would take everything that has happened quite seriously.  You could try a suicide or mental health hotline if you are feeling overwhelmed.  I warn you in advance, those numbers are often disconnected and new ones started, so don't be surprised or discouraged by that.  Hugs to you, this sounds very difficult!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi kernel-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're in that place, it is very painful and confusing, unfortunately it's not unique here though, we understand.

Here are the official traits of borderline personality disorder; notice self-mutilating behavior and identity disturbance are on the list, which you mention in your post.  We aren't mental health professionals and can't diagnose anything, and the behaviors don't matter as much as how they affect you, but if you read a lot of posts here that you could have written and see lots of similarities, and also read the articles and connect with what they say, you can find some comfort as you navigate your situation, the confusion can lessen, and you definitely won't be alone.  I encourage you to read a lot and see if there's a fit for your husband, and asking questions like How do i move on? and Why did i take the abuse? are very healthy and a good focus moving forward.  Again, welcome, and we look forward to hearing more and supporting you.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex,substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria,irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.