Living with BPD who has recently asked for a divorce

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I'm new here. And not even sure what I'm looking for other than some support, perhaps. I have been married to a man for more than 10 years who I am fairly certain has NPD possibly BPD. He has no diagnosis because he will not seek any treatment or discuss with a doctor. In the past 10 years I feel like his "episodes" as I have come to call them, cycle. For the first 4 years of our marriage I saw no signs of any personality disorder or mental health issue. As life progressed and we faced more stress or complexity, I began to see it more and more often. It went from one or two "episodes" a year, to once a month to finally an epic meltdown on his part that resulted in him asking for a divorce because "I don't love him anymore". Its been highly irrational. Angry. Scary and unsettling to say the least. He gets so spun up while throwing one of his fits that there is no talking to him. I have learned to avoid him as much as possible and pray for it to blow over. Only this past time was different. He involved our kids... .after asking me for a divorce (which seemed like a stunt, not an actual desire to divorce) he took it to the next level by announcing the news to our two young children. This was the last straw for me and now I think that ending the marriage is probably the best for all of us. I dont want my marriage to end. He's a good dad and the kids adore him. I didnt ever think divorce was an option for me. But now I am seeing more clearly just how emotionally abusive and unhealthy it has been to live with someone who's primary concern is and always will be, himself EVEN before our kids.

Is there any help for a BPD/NPD person who is not willing to seek treatment? Where do we go from here?

Thanks in advance for listening!

[MarriedtoBPD/NPD]

I'm new here. And not even sure what I'm looking for other than some support, perhaps. I have been married to a man for more than 10 years who I am fairly certain has NPD possibly BPD. He has no diagnosis because he will not seek any treatment or discuss with a doctor. In the past 10 years I feel like his "episodes" as I have come to call them, cycle. For the first 4 years of our marriage I saw no signs of any personality disorder or mental health issue. As life progressed and we faced more stress or complexity, I began to see it more and more often. It went from one or two "episodes" a year, to once a month to finally an epic meltdown on his part that resulted in him asking for a divorce because "I don't love him anymore". Its been highly irrational. Angry. Scary and unsettling to say the least. He gets so spun up while throwing one of his fits that there is no talking to him. I have learned to avoid him as much as possible and pray for it to blow over. Only this past time was different. He involved our kids... .after asking me for a divorce (which seemed like a stunt, not an actual desire to divorce) he took it to the next level by announcing the news to our two young children. This was the last straw for me and now I think that ending the marriage is probably the best for all of us. I dont want my marriage to end. He's a good dad and the kids adore him. I didnt ever think divorce was an option for me. But now I am seeing more clearly just how emotionally abusive and unhealthy it has been to live with someone who's primary concern is and always will be, himself EVEN before our kids.

Is there any help for a BPD/NPD person who is not willing to seek treatment? Where do we go from here?

Thanks in advance for listening!

[joeramabeme]

MarriedtoBPD/NPD

Welcome to BPD Family.  Sorry to hear about what you are going through and I can certainly relate to it, particularly about the progression of behaviors.

BPD is a spectrum disorder; some people are less impacted than others.  Further, the degree to which someone is displaying BP traits has a direct correlation to the level of intimacy they have with the person exposed to the traits.  In other words, the disorder is triggered by intimacy and the closer you are, the more you will see of it - even while others that are not intimately close may see very little.

Is there any help for a BPD/NPD person who is not willing to seek treatment? Where do we go from here?

There is help for pwBPD but the most important prerequisite is that they want to be helped.  Many pwBPD cannot see that they have a disorder and so see no reason to seek help.  Further, part of the disorder is to project feelings onto their partners and see them as the problems - not themselves.

Unfortunately, given the nature of BPD, the question of "where do we go from here" also needs to be addressed in the form of "where do I need to go from here". 

Have you read any of the Lessons or articles on this site?  Having information about BPD will go a long way in providing you a sense of comfort and confidence in whatever decisions you may choose. 

There are many articles here about BPD, communicating with a person that is impacted and more.

Here is one that I thought you may be particularly interested in: Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

Are you still living together?