never in a million years...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

ALL of the info topics were inviting. I have been married to my spouse for 3.5 years; together for 5. She is an incredible person... .when she is not angry at me. We are a blended family. 4 kids total. 6,11,and 16 year old girls and 20 year old son. Every week we are in turmoil. ___, sometimes I think it's got to be my fault. I become reactive as hell sometimes. Then I mirror her behavior. I get so tired of chasing her. She goes into a cave. She will recluse with her 16 year old. Sleep in her bed, take her to the mall, but she is emotionally withdrawn from her I'm sure. I used to be so loving and have so much energy to try and get her to laugh or come around. Now, I have nothing. I ignore her like she does me for as long as I can stand it. My little girls see it. It's becoming toxic. The smallest disagreement and she stomps away and ignores me for hours. Then we begin a texting war! I make many mistakes, but the dynamic of love and hate and forgiveness is so different for us... .the worst part is I specialize in mental health! But I am too close too help. ARRRGGHHHHHH! Having a pt with a PD is waaayyyyyyyyyy different that having a spouse with one! Jesus christ! The emotional implications make it impossible for me to be non reactive. I have no idea what will happen with our marriage, usually we try to make up after several exhaustive days of fighting and ignoring one another. I have to move with the military in 6 months and part of me hopes she will not go with us like she is threatening. It will suck! I am tired of getting blamed for her emptiness, and inability to be happy. yet when we are good for a few weeks I am the best thing she has ever seen! We are both exhausted. I have called her an ass, as she walks away, or refuses to validate any feelings I try to express. Unfortunatly, this just gives her fuel for her fire. please help... .

[missmyvb]

ALL of the info topics were inviting. I have been married to my spouse for 3.5 years; together for 5. She is an incredible person... .when she is not angry at me. We are a blended family. 4 kids total. 6,11,and 16 year old girls and 20 year old son. Every week we are in turmoil. ___, sometimes I think it's got to be my fault. I become reactive as hell sometimes. Then I mirror her behavior. I get so tired of chasing her. She goes into a cave. She will recluse with her 16 year old. Sleep in her bed, take her to the mall, but she is emotionally withdrawn from her I'm sure. I used to be so loving and have so much energy to try and get her to laugh or come around. Now, I have nothing. I ignore her like she does me for as long as I can stand it. My little girls see it. It's becoming toxic. The smallest disagreement and she stomps away and ignores me for hours. Then we begin a texting war! I make many mistakes, but the dynamic of love and hate and forgiveness is so different for us... .the worst part is I specialize in mental health! But I am too close too help. ARRRGGHHHHHH! Having a pt with a PD is waaayyyyyyyyyy different that having a spouse with one! Jesus christ! The emotional implications make it impossible for me to be non reactive. I have no idea what will happen with our marriage, usually we try to make up after several exhaustive days of fighting and ignoring one another. I have to move with the military in 6 months and part of me hopes she will not go with us like she is threatening. It will suck! I am tired of getting blamed for her emptiness, and inability to be happy. yet when we are good for a few weeks I am the best thing she has ever seen! We are both exhausted. I have called her an ass, as she walks away, or refuses to validate any feelings I try to express. Unfortunatly, this just gives her fuel for her fire. please help... .

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome! There are many tools here that will help you make things better... .

"She doesn't Validate your emotion" - that'll probably never happen. Part of her BPD. But it sounds like you could use better conversation skills. Read up on Validation - that alone can really change your dynamic... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

[Lucky Jim]

Hey missmyvb, Welcome!  Let me ask you a question:  What makes you stay?  Presumably you are getting something out of it.  Most of us have at some point responded to poor treatment from our BPD SO with bad behavior of our own.  Don't beat yourself up!  It's natural to fight fire with fire, though it rarely accomplishes much of anything.  Do you have any particular questions or issues that you could use our help in addressing?

LuckyJim

[Duped 1]

Mine would never validate my feelings in any way after the idolization phase was over. It was maddening! Never again will I be with someone like this. Life is too short

[lovenature]

A PWBPD thrives on the chaos and fighting because it secures an attachment, and also prevents you from becoming too close; sadly the closer you get, the more you are pushed away.

I would recommend you really think (list) the good vs. the bad in your relationship, if you decide you want to continue it, there are is good advice here, including the improving board. The best thing you can do is be as non-emotional and validating to her as possible, that of course means you sacrifice lots of YOUR needs in the relationship.