Is there anything I could have done? Getting severe OCD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have always had OCD, but since I was cheated on and dumped by my (presumably) Borderline ex, it has gone through the roof. My OCD is practically ruining my life. I am replaying the relationship over and over again and thinking is there any moment where I could have stopped her from cheating. I didn't meet her estranged father with her, and I believe that same weekend she cheated on me. Though I also have some evidence she was cheating before that.

If I had moved faster, arranged a meeting with my parents (she was talking to my mom on facebook), would she have been reassured and not cheated? Or would she have just cheated anyway? We were seeing each other 3-4 times a week

I'm sure most people will say "no, she would have cheated anyway" but it's driving me crazy. I fantasize constantly that I should have said I love you faster, should I have said "I'll be with you forever" (at the 3 month mark). It's my personality and my OCD but my mind keeps telling me that I could have done something.

[Esquared]

I have always had OCD, but since I was cheated on and dumped by my (presumably) Borderline ex, it has gone through the roof. My OCD is practically ruining my life. I am replaying the relationship over and over again and thinking is there any moment where I could have stopped her from cheating. I didn't meet her estranged father with her, and I believe that same weekend she cheated on me. Though I also have some evidence she was cheating before that.

If I had moved faster, arranged a meeting with my parents (she was talking to my mom on facebook), would she have been reassured and not cheated? Or would she have just cheated anyway? We were seeing each other 3-4 times a week

I'm sure most people will say "no, she would have cheated anyway" but it's driving me crazy. I fantasize constantly that I should have said I love you faster, should I have said "I'll be with you forever" (at the 3 month mark). It's my personality and my OCD but my mind keeps telling me that I could have done something.

[steelwork]

Esquared, I don't have OCD, as far as I know, but I've struggled with lots of rumination over what I might have done differently (as have most of us). I can only imagine how much worse it would be if I already had a problem with OCD. Well, I definitely obsess about other things... .

Well, I'm babbling.

I know you have already told yourself this, but maybe it will help to hear someone else say it: if you have to do everything perfectly and never make any mistakes or let your guard down for a minute or your partner might cheat on you, well, that is no way to live.

Another thing: you don't have control over what another person will do. A certain amount (probably most) of her behavior is out of your hands.

[rfriesen]

Hi Esquared,
It can be a terrible struggle to know that your mind is misleading you, but not to be able to stop from heading down that path. I can relate to what you describe, as can many others here.

Have you spoken with a therapist? It's a tremendous positive that you recognize already the tricks your mind is playing on you. A therapist might be able to give you the tools you need to take the next steps in dealing with OCD.

As for whether you could have stopped your ex from cheating, it sounds like you already know the answer. Maybe you could have prevented this or that occasion of cheating. But if she was cheating on you, it's not because you failed to say the magic words at the perfect moment. Or anything else you could have done. And, maybe more important to think about, would you want to be in a relationship where you were constantly having to do and say the perfect things to prevent your partner from cheating? Do you want to live a relationship on the defensive like that? It doesn't sound like a recipe for a fulfilling relationship, built on trust and mutual respect.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Sorry,  our minds can be a strange thing.  Hmm,  I do not know if you could have changed anything to stop her from cheating.  From my own personal experience, my ex cheated on me about 12 times.  Could I have done anything differently.  Hmm, "lets me think"  I kept her out of jail (8k on legal fees), got her through rehab, off drugs, provided shelter for her.  Got her flowers, little notes, always surprising her with gift.  Her family said they never seen her so healthy and put together.  I saved this girls life.  It was simi enough, because the cheating did stop, but she never loved me.  When we parted ways, she never reached out to me and died less then a year later.  So for me it was never enough,  yeah, I still think if i would have done this differently, or that, but then a memory pops in my head and makes me go, oh yeah,  I did handle that very well.  Then reality hits me and I realize, that's right, she never loved me.  Look most of these people are just trying to survive.  Its nothing personal.  So let it go,  I mean, really, get a therapist, most insurance covers it.  Trust me just having someone to talk to help.  You might these feeling and thoughts, a long time, but you have to get a mantra,   For me everytime those feelings and thought of could i have done this or could i have done that come up.  I would immediately remind myself, she never really loved me, and was just trying to survive.  Nothing personal.  I hope these feelings fade soon, but most likely you will have to take steps to speed up the process.  I mean life is a pain in the butt already.  Do you really want this to add to it.  Please, keep reading and writing.  Good luck.   

[Recovering480]

Would have, could have, should have.

The past is in the past. I'm not trying to be callous. I understand how easy it is to replay things in your head about what could have been done by you. The point is: your ex is unstable. It wouldnt have mattered what you did, the result would have been the same.

I look back and I have zero regrets (other than not leaving). I was kind when she was unkind.  I was loving when she was not. When the hurtful words were flying, I kept quiet. Yesterday was the first time I told her to face up to her "stuff" and be an adult and told her I was thankful she dumped me because I was done being belittled. I dont regret it. I know it pushed her over the edge (Facebook blocked).

I've been reading a lot of Buddhist literature and it's been helpful. Be at peace with yourself. You cant change the past, you cant control the future, but you can do something about the present.

Seek counseling for the OCD. My guess is you're trying "control" things that are out of control. My OCD flared up when my dad was sick. It's under control now.

You've got this.

[Nuitari]

Esquared,

You're not alone. It is eerie how much your post describes my own problems. Two years later, and I'm still replaying all of it in my head, over and over. I too have OCD. My therapist says its keeping me stuck, not letting me move on. My ex was a monster. She had absolutely no respect for me as a person, and I spent a lot of time blaming myself for it, always wondering what I could have done differently. Ironically, the more I did do for her, the less respect she seemed to have for me. Its funny that you mention not arranging a meeting with your parents, because that in particular is something I used to beat myself up over. I wonder if that is the one thing that would have shown her that I loved her. I feel like I was never able to communicate my feelings to her, and later wished I should have done or said this or that, believing that such and such is what would have made all the difference. Even now, I sometimes have these thoughts.

Could I have done anything to change things? I don't think so. I think with a borderline, any action you take is at most a temporary solution. You can't fix them. My ex was cheating on her husband with me. I know that sounds bad, but I truly believed that our relationship was more than just a cheap fling. In the beginning, I felt like I'd found my soulmate. She made me believe she was going to leave her husband for me. Maybe she believed it too. I don't know anymore. But I felt used. I still do, and for a long time I blamed myself that she didn't follow through on her promises. I felt like I let her down in many ways, that she discovered I wasn't who she thought I was, and that this is why she not only chose to remain with her husband, but came to treat me so badly. Now, when I have these thoughts, I remind myself that she cheated on her husband without showing a single ounce of guilt or remorse. She clearly had no respect for him either. It wasn't just me. I wasn't the problem. It was her. I don't think she's capable of things like love or respect. Was there something I could have done or said to win her over? Maybe. But then where would I be? In her husband's place, always having to wonder who she's seeing behind my back. That's not the kind of life I want to live. I don't believe that there was anything I could have done to give our story a happy ending, and I doubt there was anything you could have done either. So go easy on yourself.

[thefinalrose]

I don't have OCD but I've done the same thing. I've scrutinized texts and emails, obsessed over what I did wrong, if I've done something wrong, what I could have done to prevent the relationship from derailing. I realized that yes, there were things I could have done differently, had I known some of the things I believe I know now, but I don't think that would have prevented much of anything. The reality is, you are not responsible for someone else's behavior. You can't make someone do something. That is their decision. I used to think maybe had I said or done something different he wouldn't have disposed of me like he had, but after much introspection and analyzing the entire relationship, I realized he never exactly treated me well. He certainly did at times, but then he'd go behind my back and be involved with other people, say hurtful things to me, withdraw from me, and I would never understand why. Trying to talk about it with him did no good either, because he would just ignore me or change the subject, or berate me for things I'd supposedly done wrong.

[valet]

It is not your fault that she cheated on you, Esquared. She did it because that's what she wanted and she couldn't control herself in the name of the relationship.

Furthermore, I think it's a pretty natural reaction to second guess ourselves and our behavior after a relationship with a person with traits of BPD. Often times, we were made to believe (in childhood as well as our relationships) that we didn't do enough, or that we were the reason for some issue that our family/partner brought up—generally there is an escalation of blame over one (or multiple) thing(s) that we can't seem to escape because we are required to constantly tweak our approach. This can be immensely unfair on us and cause a lot of psychological stress. In other words, it is abuse.

I'd recommend talking to a therapist if you can. There is a lot to learn about our ex's and ourselves. And with investment, we can become much more apt at building stable lives for ourselves.

[woundedPhoenix]

I can relate in a way. OCD is brought on by a fear of losing control, Not?

So it is normal that it increases now... .We constantly overthink things and see where we could have done things differently so we wouldn't have lost 'control' over our BPD relationship... .Did we subconsciously pick a partner we knew we couldn't 'control' in the long run, that would confront us with loss, the ultimate failure of control?

And maybe that is the lesson buried deep inside this experience, that in the end you only can control yourself and your actions.

[patientandclear]

I fantasize constantly that I should have said I love you faster, should I have said "I'll be with you forever" (at the 3 month mark). It's my personality and my OCD but my mind keeps telling me that I could have done something.

Ha! If it's any comfort, I constantly wonder if I should have been slower to say I love you and not made any engulfing promises. My ex's mounting anxiety after we'd been very close coincided with me making (to me) a minor remark about moving to be closer to him, possibly, a year down the road ... .It was evident this suddenly made him very uncomfortable, when he'd been saying the same things days earlier.

What can we learn from your worry and mine? That, quite possibly, whatever we did would be wrong. There was no right formula that avoids their aversive reactions.

I also feel anxiety about whether what I did AFTER he reacted negatively could have been handled better ... .(I have the same replay mechanism in play that you do it seems) but that is another thread!