Post Breakup

[Recovering480]

I'm sure my ex has BPD.  We were together for three and a half months.  I saw the warning signs.  Within days of our first date, she told me loved me.  I felt unique.  I figured she was my soul mate.  The first month was amazing.  We had a few fights.  Nothing serious.  The big signs I saw was how quickly things would escalate when she got mad.  She would accuse me of things of that I didn't do.  She would say the nastiest things you could imagine.  I would be a mess.  Then she would apologize or invite me over.  After a few drinks, she would admit she was a ___ty girlfriend and promise not to over react again.

She would over react again.  It was mostly when she had been drinking. I could see a physical change in her when she got mad.  She would talk about making out with random guys in her past. I was never allowed to talk about my exes, yet she would go on and on about her child's father.

Numerous "breakups" or "I need space" and I'd be devastated.  Wondering what I did or how I could fix things. A day later, she would text me and tell me she loved me and that she waited her whole life for me.

Two weeks ago she was out of town for a conference.  I hardly heard from her.  She admitted she spent the 5 nights getting very drunk with old friends and would "forget" to text or call.  We got into a fight when she got back. A few days later, things were fine.  Then she got a weird text from a guy that made me question her fidelity.  She swore up and down nothing happened. But I was already pulling away. We were supposed to go on a trip together last week.  Out of the blue she told she didn't think it was a good idea if I came.  Changed her mind.  Changed her mind again.  Called me the night before, drunk, and broke up with me.  Called me the next morning, claiming not to remember the conversation but decided breaking up was best.

She wanted me to return all her items while she was gone.  I took my time. I was healing. I was angry. I was hurt and didn't feel like I was going to jump through hoops again.  When she got back, she threatened police action if I didn't return her items.  That turned into an epic text-fight. I was drained and finally returned her items.  She wasn't home.

I know it's for the best.  It was toxic.  It was emotionally and mentally draining.  Physically, it was catching up to me.  The late night arguments, the early morning text messages outlining all my faults. I've spent the week doing the things I used to do before her.  I have my moments when I really miss her though.  And I know it's because it was she painted herself in that first month.

I told my friend it was like an addiction.  The fighting sucked, but sitting with her the next night and having her profess her love for me made it all better. I would get a rush of endorphins and I'd forgive.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Recovering-

You've posted a lot in the last day, on several boards, but have now settled on Detaching; seems it's over, and we will support you in that.  How long has it been since you spoke with her?  Is the goal to not communicate with her at all anymore?  You mention you've intentionally started living your life again, which is good; how are you doing emotionally now?

[FallBack!Monster]

Recovering,
That is awful. Me and him never went that far but he changeded at the end, now be is himself again it scares me.  I was the one to tell him some bad words but he said he forgive me because he admitted he hurt me. He is nice to me again. He went back to taking his . medicine and vitamins the way he supposed to and said he sorry he didn't tell me the truth about him. I believe him and 'm starting to be more relax around him. He said some of what he went through with me is what  threw him over. I believe that because he was driving me crazy too. But now, we both are better now. 
I hope you get better to. Love is so crazy and it make people do crazy things. My grandfather told me that sometimes when people say bad things is because they are shy to say what they truly feel then it comes out strong and more wrong he also said that sometimes people argue to fix things but when there's nothing significant to fix, what's the point he said. but it's better to not fight at all. 

[Recovering480]

Hi Recovering-

You've posted a lot in the last day, on several boards, but have now settled on Detaching; seems it's over, and we will support you in that.  How long has it been since you spoke with her?  Is the goal to not communicate with her at all anymore?  You mention you've intentionally started living your life again, which is good; how are you doing emotionally now?

I have posted a lot, haven't I? It's been cathartic. I keep a blog, but I know if I write anything about this on there, it would blow up. She's a professional and very self-conscious of her public image. Here, I'm anonymous.

I haven't verbally spoken to her since last Tuesday morning; last text was Monday in which she threatened to call the police if I didn't return her items. I have never had that happen before. It's entirely too much drama. I often wondered if the police would ever be called when she was screaming at me at 1a. Yes, my goal is not to talk to her at all.  My counselor told me months ago (she told me to leave back then) that as soon as I stopped talking to her, my heart would start opening up again.

Every day, I get better. I'm well aware that it was a short relationship and I think that makes a difference.  I'm focusing on myself for the first time in months. I used to cut my work outs short so I could spend time with her, or we would be up all night and I wouldnt get to the gym.  Or I'd be so emotionally drained that all I wanted to do was sleep. I was smoking nonstop, which made me lose weight. I was skipping meals because I was so distraught over a series of morning texts regarding something inconsequential. The list goes on and on. I look at pictures of myself back then and I could see the impact this was having.

Now, I'm back at the gym. A lot. Cutting back on my smoking. Not drinking.  Getting sleep every night and not obsessing.  Yoga in the morning. Focusing (finally) at work. It's day to day. And I'm grateful that I see a light at the end of the tunnel.  When I'm weak, I think of all the things that hurt me.

Thank you.

[Recovering480]

I also realize that I've been on a non-stop rant these last few days. I guess it's because everything has been bottled up for months. The only person I talked to about it was my counselor. And when I told her SOME of the things, she would just look at me with shock and ask "That is not acceptable. At any level. Why are you tolerating this?"

I was embarrassed to tell anyone because it was so unlike me to put up with things like this. And all my friends know that.

[Recovering480]

Brief update: She texted me an hour ago that she had some of my paperwork. Mail?

I havent responded. It bugs me that I saw the text and it drove a nail into my heart. Then I was struggling with how/when to respond. In our history, if I didnt respond ASAP, she would just get more and more angry. Then it was text after text after text.

I think the mailing address is on the paperwork anyway... .so I dont understand. She knows my address. She can get the zip code from USPS.

Meh. I'll let it sit. I'm trying to work anyway.

[Hisaccount]

Your strength is inspiring.

Text causes a nail in your heart, yeah text email, phone call. I feel that same pain.

It sucks.

Stay strong.

[Recovering480]

Your strength is inspiring.

Text causes a nail in your heart, yeah text email, phone call. I feel that same pain.

It sucks.

Stay strong.

Thank you. That's my goal. I debated all afternoon if I should respond. I was at the gym and decided, no, I won't. I have a feeling that she'll fire off a nasty text today about my lack of response.