UBPD husband lost it in traffic

[flower211]

So, I've been married to this man for 16 years. He has these cycles of rages where he literally scares the crap out of me. Today was one of those moments.
We're going through the drive thru pharmacy to pick up some presciption meds for me, and he paid for them and drove off, forgetting to get my meds. I was laughing, he was pissed at me for laughing. I went in and got them, and off we drove to pick up our daughter from school. I kept commenting on how funny it was, and he just flipped out. Starting cussing me out, driving erratically, the whole bit. I'm stuck in the seat next to him, with two small children in the back seat, terrified.
Then, on the way back, he deliberately taps the bumper of a driver in front of us. The driver gets out- a big dude, with his kids in the car- and they almost start to brawl.
By this time, my BP is through the roof and I just want to go home.
He apologized "for cussing" at me, tells me to "quit with the looks" (wth?) and I let him off at home, take the kids out for take out cuz I don't want any of us near him.
Is this normal borderline behavior? I tried mentioning to him that I think he has these features. I've had therapists tell me that they think he has these features.
He scares me. I can't sleep next to him, because of these rages. I'm a stay at home mom of three kids and I don't know how to deal anymore.
I feel like I have to walk on egg shells. Everything pisses him off. He blames it on a lack of sex, which, quite frankly, who wants to with someone like that?
The funny thing is, when he's not being a demonic ass, he's actually a decent human being.
I just need tips right now for calming down. I took a xanax, I'm hiding in my bedroom to calm down.
How do I manage this? Please help. I need help. Thanks in advance.

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[isilme]

Hi - hiding in the bedroom can also be called "taking a break".  Find some ways that, when possible, let you not be present for the rages.  This is hard when you live with the person with BPD, I know, and even more so when kids are present, but it's an important step. 

Also, while in some cases a pwBPD can be helped by pointing out how their actions fit the description of the disorder, you're really just saying to him, "Hey, you have a mental illness, hear me?  You have a mental illness."  No one wants to hear that, especially a person with a mental illness that's main "symptom" is shame avoidance.  The discovery of BPD is helpful, for US, those who don't have it but face it.  We have to learn how to manage ourselves long before we can ever hope to get our SOs to revise any part of their own behavoir.  Most of us on here never even tell our SOs that we believe they have BPD - that just leads to more fights. 

I think, after 20 years with H, that their skin is so thin, any sort of perceived embarrassment is unbearable.  So forgetting the meds made your H feel shamed for failing, and then he got mad at you for being a reminder, active or passive, of that failure.  It was not big deal to you as long as you got the meds.  To him, it was a huge embarrassing mistake.  Tapping the bumper, to me, sounds like he wanted a physical altercation and so wanted another person (not you) to be in a fight with, to reverse justify his anger.

The lack of sex is just an excuse to justify his anger.  I'm not saying it's totally not true, he may feel rejected and neglected if you two are not at a point where you can be intimate.  But it's a jab at you, again, to make his anger your fault.

I don't think it's quite the same as walking on eggshells, but as you learn more about what drives the pwBPD, you will see that their emotional coping skills got arrested at a very young stage of development, and they never really managed to build up to a more reasonable level of control and appropriate response.  You have a toddler's frustration at the world not being perfect all tied up in an adult body.  To you, it was funny.  To him, it was shameful and jokes about it unbearable and invalidating.  As the "non", you get the task of being more emotionally responsible for your own actions.  We cannot control our pwBPD in our lives.  All we can do is control our interactions with them. 

Taking the kids for take out if a fine example of "taking a break".  When your H gets too far gone, just get out of there.  He will get upset at times.  No tools will 100% ever stop it.  They can mitigate it to be less violent, less explosive, and less often, but they will still happen. 

When you sense this is starting, get out of the situation as soon as possible.  Make up an errand.  I go outside and do yard work if I can, or go fold laundry in another room (sometimes this works, sometimes it does not).  Take a break from the situation.  The emotions are not necessarialy about you or the kids, but at himself.  But he needs to make it external and project it all onto you so he won't feel it's his fault.

Remember that BPD is a lot of shame avoidance and poor emotional control.  If you see something that you understand might cause him shame, be mindful of your actions.  I can smile at H and he immediately thinks I am laughing at him, making fun of him, not just happy.  They are a mess inside, full of a series of turbulent emotions, where NOW all that matters.  If he's mad now, he's always been mad.  If he's happy, he's always been happy.  I don't stop smiling at H, but I try to explain that omething he just did made me happy, I am not mocking him (as he immediately assumes.  He cannot stand feeling he is the center of any joke ever). 

As the person who is trying to be more aware, a lot of the upcoming changes in how you work together will fall on you.  Read about the tools - understanding you can validate your H's feelings without afreeing is a big step.  You H was probably thinking that YOU were jsut as mad at him for foretting the meds as he was at himself  "Honey, I know you feel bad for forgetting the meds.  I don't feel upset about it, but know that you do."  Sometimes, this is all that's needed, maybe repeated a few times.  Sometimes, you ahve to accept the anger train has left hte station and it's time to take a break. 

I'm sorry things get to where you are afriad.  I hope you can find some ways to take the kids out for a bit to both keep you and they from taking the brunt of the anger as well as give yout H time to cool off. 

[jrharvey]

This alone sounds narcissistic. What you described is not enough to fully say its BPD. But it does sound similar to how a narcissist would act. I say that because I can be very narcissistic. I don't know if I have full blown NPD but I have suspected it. I often get upset when criticized too much.

I could see myself getting upset in this situation and even at the level your husband is. Below is a description of what goes through a narcissist head during these times.

After he forgot to get your medication he felt stupid. This conflicts with his own views of himself as being perfect, responsible and grandiose. Its a tiny mistake. No big deal. However it makes him feel shame even if you don't say anything. Narcissist CANNOT make mistakes.

After the mistake was made and he already felt bad about it most likely you began to joke with him about it. You making fun of it didn't seem like a big deal to you but in a sense it is mocking him. It burns at his core and demeans his manhood. A narcissist believe they are the leader and all knowing. When you joke with him about a mistake he made it makes him feel like you are questioning his authority and his ability to be a leader.

So at this point he feels shame from himself and on top of that he feels like you are mocking him even if you are not. All that matters is he feels mocked. Contradictions race through his head and he panics. The only way to deal with this in a narcissists head is to go into attack mode and get angry. Its an aggressive defense. He cant just laugh it off. He needs to regain superiority. He needs to dominate. You joking with him seemed fun but in his eyes it was dominating him. He now needs to dominate you and regain control.

His aggressiveness caused him to bump the guy in front. That probably caused even more shame in his mind. He was beginning to fall even more from his pedestal in his head. Thank god he did not fight that guy. It could have been worse.


When dealing with a narcissist in this way the ONLY thing you can do is assure him that its totally ok. Tell him everyone makes mistakes and its no big deal. Tell him you love him. Kiss him on the cheek or something. They need to be put back on that pedestal or they may rage and lose it.

If you don't want to do these types of things you most likely will lose control of him. You control a narcissist by boosting his ego. Not joking with him.

Hope this helps.

[lookingforanswer]

This sounds like my life. I have been in the passenger seat more than once when my uBPDh was driving to endanger me. He would speed up and swerve so the passenger side would almost hit a tree. Or if I tried to get out of the car, he would speed up while the door was open hoping that I would fall out and get hurt.

I am new on this site too and I do understand that we need to try to approach BPDs differently but how the hell do we deal with someone who could potentially kill us in a car?

I have started to take over the driving making some excuse that I want him to be able to jump out of the car to get something for me.

Yours forgot a prescription. Mine cheated on me with someone at work. I have been shaming him ever since (not that he doesn't deserve it). But now after reading what everyone is saying, this is going to get me nowhere. A normal person would actually "feel" shameful for doing what he did. My dysregulated husband thinks that I did something to him to make him cheat. Aargh! I also had the not enough sex(him)/why would I want to have sex with you(me) argument for many years. He didn't understand why screaming only offset by the silent treatment did not get me in the mood.

The fact that I married someone with this disorder makes me want to run away. But like you, I have kids in the mix and it isn't that easy.

So I guess what I'm recommending is use the communication tools that everyone is discussing they seem like they really work and keep yourself safe in the car in any which way you can. You have kids that could get hurt as well.

[Lockjaw]

I would be getting out of the car. I don't like that sort of thing.

[JavaBlue]

Dear Flower 211,

I was flabbergasted when I read your post... .the behavior you described sounds SO MUCH like my husband!  The difference is that mine never apologizes for cussing.  Sometimes when he flies into a tirade, I think I put up an imaginary shield in my head and instead of getting upset, I play a game where I start counting how many times he says the "F" word (but inside my head I think how mad he would be if he knew what I was really doing instead of listening to him).  That's pretty sad.  I have been married 26 years and am not sure what will become of our situation once our youngest graduates from high school in May.  I think I've been holding together for the sake of our children... .although I often wonder if I've done the right thing by staying since they get the brunt of his wrath, too.  I remember him screaming loudly at one of our daughters the whole way home from a high school soccer game because he said she didn't play well (well, he had an hour's worth of other ways that he told her this).  I tried to defend her and tried to make him stop screaming, but he squelched me.  I remember crying when I got home and my daughter wouldn't even hug me back when I went up to her room.  I wasn't able to protect her.  She was in 9th grade then... .she is 23 today.  I do wonder what their lives would have been like without the emotional extremes of their dad and the constant criticism and fear of setting him off.  I think we've been incredibly fortunate to raise 3 polite, smart, responsible, kids and constantly marvel at how well they have turned out.  Did dealing with this while growing up make them stronger... .more resilient somehow?  Or, will they be scarred for life?  Sorry that I am rambling here, but your post really struck a chord with me.  Thanks for sharing your story.