Elsa2016
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: December 07, 2016, 08:33:35 AM » |
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Hi there - I apologize for this lengthy post, but it's so nice to have a forum to speak honestly.
I should start by saying that my husband, who would certainly be considered high functioning, has not yet been diagnosed with BPD. After three couples' sessions with my therapist of 10 yrs, she strongly believes this is his primary diagnosis. He was diagnosed with ADHD by his general practitioner about six years ago, and has been on stimulant medication ever since. This summer he became convinced that he is on the autism spectrum (which technically he is with ADHD), referring to his fits of rage as "autistic meltdowns," and he went for a complete neuro-psych eval this fall. We should be receiving the results any day now. Between my own mental health background (I am a creative arts therapist), education from my therapist, and information from this and other sites about BPD, I am pretty certain that BPD is at least in the mix, and has certainly become the primary source of our relationship struggles.
I would say that the wicked fighting began after our children were born. I chalked it up to growing pains of starting a family and having two kids 15 months apart, and also his ADHD meds mixing with nightly alcohol use. We would mostly fight about his needs not being met. I was at home with the kids, tandem nursing, co-sleeping, exhausted but firm in our belief that this natural way of parenting would, in the long-run, be best for our family. But the nature of his anger seemed deeper than just a new father feeling left out or sexually frustrated. It was a desperate abandonment - like his ego couldn't tolerate my shifted focus. There was no acceptance that parenthood would inevitably alter our relationship: I needed to be his girlfriend first and everything else would fall into line. I agree on the importance of remembering to be a couple, but he was not being a very good "boyfriend." At the time I was more inclined to accept responsibility for his unhappiness, feeling like I wasn't balancing my responsibilities, but no amount of apologizing or changes in routine could fill his apparently abysmal need for attention.
He had trouble consistently pitching in: he would spend an entire day cleaning our apartment (instead of helping with organization and tidying day-to-day) and expect tremendous accolades and definitely sex after doing so, and when he didn't get one or both, he would become angry and rage at me until late at night, keeping me from desperately-needed sleep. Of course I appreciated his effort, but it was one extreme or another, and when I tried to talk to him about doing small things on a regular basis around the house, he would become defensive and angry. Being a former chef, he would prepare elaborate gourmet meals that would take hours to prepare and use every pot and pan we have, and accuse me of being ungrateful when I was barely able to keep my eyes open for a meal at 10 pm. Meanwhile my kids are nursing around the clock, and I would wake up to a sink full of dirty dishes and a filthy kitchen. He would say that I should ask around and see how many of my girlfriends got gourmet meals on a random Tuesday for no reason, and then make it my fault that this was the only way he knew to help out, because I didn't let him take care of the kids. In reality, he was a heavy smoker and drank at night, so I wasn't too quick to throw them into his arms, and during the day if they would start fussing, he would hand them to me and say, "Boob!", and go off to pursue his own hobbies and interests.
I could go on for pages, but basically our relationship has been marred by his unpredictable behavior, his abandonment being triggered by anything that takes my focus away from him (he even felt abandoned when my brother died suddenly of a heart attack last year, because I didn't turn to him in my grief!). He rages at me and I shut down, partially due to my own issues but also because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and the fight escalating. We become deadlocked in a pattern of his blame and my inability to genuinely empathize, and I either fight or flee. I usually try to and go to bed, and he comes into our room and continues to scream at me. It feels like I'm being held hostage by his rage. There have been so many times when I have felt like this was the night I would pack up the kids and go to my mom's or a friend's, but I never want to disturb anyone - my sleeping kids, or anyone close to me that doesn't know the truth about my marriage. I didn't want to tell people that he had just punched the wall, or kicked a child's toy so hard that he broke his foot, or thrown a stool across the room and snapped it in two. He has never hit me, but I always wonder if that's next. When did my tolerance for violence become so high?
A year ago, he raged at me when we were spending the night at his best friend's home, after everyone had gone to bed. Our friends overheard the fight and the next morning when they attempted to intervene, my husband became paranoid that we were all against him. This seemed like an important moment in the trajectory: this time, there were witnesses. People who knew him and us thoroughly and genuinely wanted to help. It felt somewhat liberating. But I was also scared, scared that I would be held accountable for not getting out of this abusive marriage, for potentially exposing my kids to his explosive anger, and with little hope that he would seek help. In the ensuing days and months they called me to check on me, and when my husband found out he freaked out. His best friend basically stopped talking to him, because he refused to take responsibility for his behavior and blamed me for the fight. To this day, my husband blames me for the fallout, and believes that I said things to his friend that poisoned the well.
I should mention that I have urged, begged, demanded that my husband seek help. First, I begged him to stop drinking, thinking that was the main issue. (It certainly doesn't help and I still believe he should stop.). I've been in therapy for years, and I've urged him to go too. He always said that talk therapy doesn't work for him, though he never made it past intake with anyone. As I said before, we did meet with my therapist a few times (and given a possible BPD diagnosis I know now that that was doomed to fail on so many levels -and it did), and now he's uneasy whenever I have a session and wishes I would disclose what we talk about to him. Since he has become hooked on the notion that he's autistic, he has said that he believes cognitive behavioral therapy may work for him, and as soon as he gets his official diagnosiis, he will start looking for a therapist that specializes in that population. I have begun talking to him about DBT, and he's not opposed to it, but it's tricky: I'm encouraging him to get control of his anger, but he believes I am the cause of it. And while he has undergone 4+ hours of neuro-psychological tests, I was not included in the interviews, and I don't know if any of the tests were for BPD. I doubt he shared anything about his rages with the team, and I'm terrified that the diagnosis will be missed. It's hard to articulate why it's impossible for me to say to him, "Actually, I think you may have Borderline Personality Disorder," but it is.
So I guess that's where I am. Last weekend he had a very public meltdown, fueled by alcohol and an encounter with his best friend whom he hasn't seen in almost a year. It happened at a Christmas party, and the kids were very much present and aware. Right now, I'm seeking as much help and support as I can, but I haven't left. I'm riding out the calm part of this cycle and waiting on that diagnosis to start him on a path to help. I'm trying to find the opportunity to talk to the kids about what they saw.
Again, sorry for the lengthy post. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share my story and finally get the support I need.
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