Infidelity and shame

[beggarsblanket]

Among the most difficult feelings I have from my BPD relationship is shame over having an affair. These feelings emerged when I realized that I couldn't consistently maintain my attraction to her and call myself her friend. I was in the position to say no at any point after I discovered she had a boyfriend. Still I allowed it to progress far beyond anything proper to friendship with someone who is attached.

There was no physical infidelity, but there was what I want most in a relationship: intense closeness. There was also the enormous amount of time I spent with her, time she might have spent with her boyfriend. I feel shame for meeting my needs at his expense.

How do you deal with shame? I notice in myself a tendency to avoid it by minimizing my actions. I don't want to minimize. I need to confront the fact that I interfered in another relationship.

[Warcleods]

Shame is the result beggar not the cause.  I believe in pwBPD, shame is causation of bad decision making because they lack empathy.  You were looking for something externally that you desperately needed to provide for yourself.  I think we all have tendency to look everywhere except within ourselves to have a need fulfilled.  You didn't feel shame initially because you thought what you were missing inside was being satisfied by someone else.  She was merely a distraction and it caused you to do things that you would probably find unacceptable from the outside looking in.  If monogamy and trust are part of your value system, then you ignored those values to have a need met by someone who was emotionally unavailable to provide that to you and of course the fact that she is really unable to provide those you those needs because she can't provide them for herself.  The shame has always been there and if what I mentioned in the last sentence is a value to you, it was only suppressed at that time and then manifested itself afterwards.

You did nothing wrong beggar, and I don't know what your value system consists of, but the above statements are true for me.  

[beggarsblanket]

Warcleods, thank you for your reassurance. That means a lot. Monogamy and trust are my values. Once the bottom fell out of the relationship, trust was the first thing in me to go. I never got it back.

Your insights into shame are valuable. They match up with what she told of me of herself, but I never put it all together. I believed that I knew her deeply, but the more I reflect and learn, the more I am perplexed. What a great mass of sadness this is.

I've read your post several times already. It is rich. I will be revisiting it. Thank you.

[Warcleods]

Once you lose trust, it is hard to get back.  Trust can only be gained through words that are validated with actions.  The fact that she has the insight to identify her shortcomings and either knowingly fails to address them, or doesn't know how, is commendable but certainly not admirable.  My exBPD truly didn't understand how her words and lack of action degraded the foundation which trust is built upon.  It's clear that in your case, her inaction is going to lead her down a path of relationship misery and you were just one of many victims.  There are certainly more to come and you need to understand and accept that.  Folks driven by impulse are the most threatening in relationships because it's all about them and what they want, they need it NOW! and they'll do whatever it takes to get it.  Many of us here ignored that huge red flag because we either chose to ignore it or we thought once they had us, it would stop.  Impulsive people get bored quickly, not only with relationships but with other things in their lives as well.  They need constant stimulation and excitement and relationship terms, that type of behavior will never be sustainable.  My ex could only achieve temporary distractions  which she perceived as happiness through external stimulus.  That is what identified her, drove her decision making/impulsivness and ultimately led her lose me and her ex husband.

[beggarsblanket]

Yes, I understand and accept now that I am one of many. That is crucial.

The definition of trust is new and useful to me. I understood trust as reciprocity, something that is tacit, basic to relation, coming to consciousness only when threatened. That much may be true, but yours offers direct guidance in my decisions. Thank you.

Thank you also for the insight into boredom/impulsiveness. I have some of it myself, but not to the same extent she does, and mine is more in a professional area where it's advantageous, in the form of curiousity. I can't imagine running my relationships like my projects, but I evidently fell victim to something like it in this relationship. These are hard lessons.

[Warcleods]

I don't think that they are hard lessons.  They are just lessons and you have learned from them.  The things you are feeling right now have always been present inside of you, this particular person just awoken them.  Whether it be with her or another emotionally unstable person, the same feelings still exist.  In this case, you are attaching these feelings to an object (in this case a person) which is being perceived, by you, as the source of your pain.  When in reality, the pain is tied to a specific event or series of events.  Your mind is trying to find ways to alleviate the uncomfortable feelings and the simplest way to do that in this case is to re-introduce something that you know, from experience, is more painful that helpful.  Think about that and understand it's really not her.

Let's consider everyday you knocked on my door, and after me answering the door, I slapped you in the face.  And after I slapped you in the face, I invited you in and made you breakfast and coffee.  You've requested I not slap you in the face but I continue to do so anyway despite your plea's.  After the first time, would you keep knocking on my door?  If so why?  That's what's happening here and you keep going back to get slapped in the face so you can get breakfast and coffee.

[Reforming]

Hi Beggarsblanket,

Revisiting your initial post I think feeling remorse for not living up to your values is healthy - feeling that you are defective - shame - because you made mistakes is not healthy.

Affairs begin with sharing emotional intimacy - sometimes it can happen in unexpectedly or accidentally. But if we're really honest with ourselves deep down we usually know that what we're doing is hurting someone else. The gold rule comes to mind - do unto others... .

And when you have to hide a relationship from others it's a pretty good indication that there's something wrong.

It sounds like you made some mistakes. It takes strength and courage to own our mistakes and you deserve credit for that.

The important thing is to strike a balance between personal accountability and self compassion. Shame strips us of the power to learn and grow - remorse - an acknowledgement that you didn't live up to your own values - is a healthier way to deal with mistakes.

When we don't live up to our own values we can lose trust in ourself, but it can be rebuilt.

Perhaps the best way to rebuild your self respect is learn from the experience.

Why were you so drawn to someone who was already attached? Can you find healthier ways to meet your needs for intimacy?

Good luck and thanks for sharing

Reforming

[beggarsblanket]

Warcleods, thank you for your clear-minded assessment. Yearning still rises in me occasionally. It is mixed with difficult feelings. Much of the time I am perplexed: about her, myself, the relationship, the implications for my future relationships. My perplexity may persist for a while, and that may delay my detaching, but I am detaching. I was abandoning core habits to spend time with her, then I lost those habits altogether to intrusive thoughts after the break up. As the intrusive thoughts have died, it's been easier to renew my habits. There have even been a few moments of peace in recent days.

[beggarsblanket]

Reforming, thank you for the distinctions between remorse and shame. I feel both. The reminder of self-compassion is valuable. I have been neglecting a few practices of compassion that would be a good antidote for shame.

I knew that it was infidelity, despite the language of friendship. I still see her ex around. He knew she and I were spending time together, but how much time he probably did not know. If he remains a part of my social circle, I would like to offer redress to him after I have taken care of myself. Would this be appropriate? Is making amends something that others here have done? If so, how is it best done? What is to be taken into consideration in doing so? I have had to make amends before, due to outrageous behaviour during mania, but I have always just winged it. I would like a better idea of what's involved, if this is something you or others can advise on.

Thank you for your closing questions. They, and your whole post, are pointed and worth reflecting on.

[Reforming]

Reforming, thank you for the distinctions between remorse and shame. I feel both. The reminder of self-compassion is valuable. I have been neglecting a few practices of compassion that would be a good antidote for shame.

I knew that it was infidelity, despite the language of friendship. I still see her ex around. He knew she and I were spending time together, but how much time he probably did not know. If he remains a part of my social circle, I would like to offer redress to him after I have taken care of myself. Would this be appropriate? Is making amends something that others here have done? If so, how is it best done? What is to be taken into consideration in doing so? I have had to make amends before, due to outrageous behaviour during mania, but I have always just winged it. I would like a better idea of what's involved, if this is something you or others can advise on.

Thank you for your closing questions. They, and your whole post, are pointed and worth reflecting on.

Hi Beggarsblanket,

I've been on both sides of the infidelity divide. My ex - long term relationship - had an affair with a work colleague. It was full on and she repeatedly brought him into our home when I was away - even once when I was there. It left some pretty deep scars but ultimately I think we're responsible for our own healing

I'm not sure whether it's possible to make amends. Actions speak louder than words. I contacted my ex affair partner - he was also married - and he admitted the affair. He didn't' have much choice - I had pretty compelling evidence. He suggested meeting up with him - I had no interest in having any further contact with.

I subsequently had an affair with a work colleague who was also in a relationship. When her partner discovered evidence of our relationship it had stopped but it later continued and their relationship eventually ended. I imagine he probably hates my guts and I'm not sure that expressing remorse would help him, but I could be just rationalising my own decision.

I hurt him badly and I know how that feels.  Even though I knew better I let myself down. I tried to learn from the experience. Why? I think my partner's affair played a part, but that does not excuse my behaviour or make it ok to hurt someone else

It's a tough one. I think one of the best ways to make amends is to make sure that you don't do the same thing again. Is your need to make amends more about downloading your own guilt rather than helping the other person move forward. Your affair was never physically consummated so perhaps it's best to leave sleeping dogs lie

Others may disagree

Reforming

[beggarsblanket]

Thank you for your detailed story. It is a tough call, perhaps best left to him. If I didn't see him around, it would be easier to let go. We are friendly and have casual conversation, but there has been no mention of her. I wish I had a manual for this stuff.