My exBPDgf dilemma

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All,

I'm new to the site and have found myself here after determining that my exBPDgf demonstrated many of the traits and behaviors of BPD.  I had my suspicions about her disorder from the beginning but it really didn't become obvious till the end.

Our eighteen month relationship was an affair as we were both married at the time.  This is definitely not something that I'm proud of by any means and have spent my time since our split in therapy trying to resolve my issues.

Our relationship was pretty typical.  Idealization period of about a year until her behavior became more erratic and she abruptly departed.  Several months of recycles until we agreed to part (probably the most rational discussion/decision that ever came out of my ex).

I immediately went to therapy while she immediately found a replacement and 2 months later filed for divorce.  She then left the first replacement and started with another that lasted about 4 months until she decided to try to reconcile with her husband.

For some reason that is inexplicable she confessed to her husband about our affair (he already had suspicions about the first replacement).  Leaving my own exposure aside, I can't figure out for the life of me why she would do this as it was a death sentence for any type of reconciliation attempt.  They remain apart.

My dilemma is that I feel a strong need to apologize to her husband. Not to make myself feel better but to truly apologize for my poor judgement.  Nothing deep, no excuses or rationalizations and certainly no asking for forgiveness.  My ex is adamantly opposed for reasons that are unclear.  My therapist is ambivalent as he's seen apologies of this nature go in a lot of different directions.  Any thoughts?

[BPD Dilemna]

Hi All,

I'm new to the site and have found myself here after determining that my exBPDgf demonstrated many of the traits and behaviors of BPD.  I had my suspicions about her disorder from the beginning but it really didn't become obvious till the end.

Our eighteen month relationship was an affair as we were both married at the time.  This is definitely not something that I'm proud of by any means and have spent my time since our split in therapy trying to resolve my issues.

Our relationship was pretty typical.  Idealization period of about a year until her behavior became more erratic and she abruptly departed.  Several months of recycles until we agreed to part (probably the most rational discussion/decision that ever came out of my ex).

I immediately went to therapy while she immediately found a replacement and 2 months later filed for divorce.  She then left the first replacement and started with another that lasted about 4 months until she decided to try to reconcile with her husband.

For some reason that is inexplicable she confessed to her husband about our affair (he already had suspicions about the first replacement).  Leaving my own exposure aside, I can't figure out for the life of me why she would do this as it was a death sentence for any type of reconciliation attempt.  They remain apart.

My dilemma is that I feel a strong need to apologize to her husband. Not to make myself feel better but to truly apologize for my poor judgement.  Nothing deep, no excuses or rationalizations and certainly no asking for forgiveness.  My ex is adamantly opposed for reasons that are unclear.  My therapist is ambivalent as he's seen apologies of this nature go in a lot of different directions.  Any thoughts?

[Warcleods]

Sounds like a mess.  It's good that you're trying to fix your issues.  That aside, you're not married to her husband and an apology from you is probably the last thing on this dudes mind.  She's accountable for her actions to him and she put herself in the affair just as much as you did.  It's good that you have empathy for how this guy may feel and use that to ensure you don't make the same mistake again with someone else.  It's best to let her continue to ruin her life and dig deeper rabbit holes.  It's not your job to help her find herself or fix her mistakes and it doesn't appear that you're fixated on that anyway.

Let her go either fix herself or destroy herself.  Like most of us, these relationships started off toxic and will most likely remain that way.  There's plenty of normal women out there that don't compete with math books with the number of problems they have.  Fix you and you'll find someone healthy.

[BPD Dilemna]

Warcleods,

Thanks for the input.  My gut says to just let things go since enough damage has been done.  I do feel like a coward not owning up to my responsibilities but perhaps that's part of the price that I'll pay for making bad choices.

[Cookie Monster]

Warcleods,

"Thanks for the input.  My gut says to just let things go since enough damage has been done.  I do feel like a coward not owning up to my responsibilities but perhaps that's part of the price that I'll pay for making bad choices."

Hi BPD Dilemma

Regrettably, I have been both the wife who was cheated on (BPD h) & the ow.  I hope to never again be either.
I had much the same feelings as you expressed and had been thinking of sending the wife a letter of apology, but she passed away before I got around to it.  I never wanted to hurt another person in my life, I still don't know why I did it.  I'll keep exploring that, but I have since forgiven myself & consider it a valuable lesson learned.   It sounds like you are an honorable person who made a mistake.  Just wanted 2 share my similar experience.  Take care.   CM

[BPD Dilemna]

CM,

Thanks for being candid.  You must have struggled with the ramifications of both situations for some time.

Why did I make poor and selfish choices?  I'm still in therapy working to ensure that it doesn't happen again.  The intoxication of a BPD relationship is no excuse.

Why did my ex confess our affair to her ex-husband and in doing so eliminate any chance of reconciliation with him (which is what she was attempting to do)?  Again---no idea why you would needlessly hurt someone---perhaps this occurred during the midst of a BPD moment.

In the end the result is a lot of pain and hurt.  The guilt of which is the price of my actions.

[Warcleods]

I don't think it is necessary to beat yourself up over the past.  The positive side of this is that you recognize you made bad decisions and are learning from the consequences of those decisions and unfortunately they only came after the fact.  We all get caught up in the moment at some point in our lives.  Some people are able to look deep within themselves and realize that the choices they made were not good for themselves long term.  It seems like that is what you are doing here.  The focus on the past and the "what if's" will cause you to fixate.  What you have to understand now is nothing is going to change the past and you only have control over what may happen in the future.  The feelings you may have for her were built upon superficiality, she was providing something not sustainable and it sucks to lose that, I know, I have been there.  However, there is a bigger picture here.  The bigger picture is for you to focus on what YOU were missing in yourself that led you to what to have an affair in the first place.  More often than not, it's honesty with our partners and ourselves.  And if you were honest, you failed to act on your honesty to avoid conflict.  I did exactly that and started to become complacent in my relationship and that ultimately led to me making concessions where they didn't need to be made and not communicating the truth.  That is owed to your partner and it's the first step in rebuilding integrity within yourself.  I would forget about feeling sorry for your ex's husband.  That is her issue to deal with and you owe him nothing.  Your ex made the decision to step outside of the marriage and you did the same on your side.  Focus on that and remove yourself from her life for good.  Statistically, 95% of affairs fail because the foundation they were built on began with a lie.  That's not to say it could never be successful but there's a truth in that statistic.

[troisette]

My two cents is that the feelings of the person we want to apologize to are more important than our needs. Would an apology help him in his present situation?

Our own emotions are at the centre of our minds and we might inflate our importance in a given situation. I'd let it rest and deal with any guilt feelings myself without involving any one else. You don't know what you might spark for him.

[Warcleods]

My two cents is that the feelings of the person we want to apologize to are more important than our needs. Would an apology help him in his present situation?

Our own emotions are at the centre of our minds and we might inflate our importance in a given situation. I'd let it rest and deal with any guilt feelings myself without involving any one else. You don't know what you might spark for him.

The facts in this case are that he doesn't know this individual and while it's reasonable that he may feel sorry, the situation doesn't warrant an apology to someone he doesn't know.  He doesn't know this person's intentions or disposition and it could cause him more harm than good. There's an intermediary here and that is this person's wife.  She is accountable her husband and whether it was BPD Dilemma or some other person, the apology needs to come from her to him and that's not something BPD Dilemma can control. 

 

[BPD Dilemna]

All,

Great commentary and I appreciate the opinions of everyone.  I found myself many times operating as though I'm wearing emotional blinders so the outside counsel is welcome.

One point of clarification---all of us involved in this situation live in the same area, know each other but are rarely together socially or otherwise.  This adds another dimension to my guilt since I was led to believe by my ex that her ex-husband was mentally and physically abusive.  I now suspect that narrative was more BPD "spin" than fact.  Still not an excuse for my behavior, however.

I've also toyed with informing him of my suspicions about his ex's BPD condition as I do know that he thinks she's simply "crazy".  Again---that along with the apology intent would probably do nothing more than resurrect the pain and hurt that he's probably trying to forget

Thanks again for the comments.

[Julia S]

I wrote a comment but I think my login time ran out and it didn't get posted.

Abbreviated after your recent post:

Would you be prepared to offer support to the husband? And if so could you say something - better in person than a letter which could be shown to or intercepted by his wife - saying you are sorry, got drawn in when you should have refused? Then saying you think you understand the underlying cause of her problems in terms of long term mental health and would be happy to talk to him if he thinks it would help. He just might appreciate someone to confide in if you feel you could offer that.

[enlighten me]

She probably doesnt want you to appologise as she either didnt come clean or has spun a different tale possibly with her as the victim.

[BPD Dilemna]

Julia and EM,

Thanks for the range of comments---most helpful.

EM---my ex's husband does know about us as I saw him a couple of months ago at an event and he was very distant and non-communicative.  I was blindsided by this, contacted my ex and she confirmed that he did know about the affair.  Why she confessed is a mystery as she was attempting to reconcile with her ex-husband and this admission eliminated any hope of that occurring.
The second part of your comment strikes me as accurate.  As much as she portrayed her ex as mentally and physically abusive she certainly could have portrayed me as preying on and taking advantage of her.  Among the many BPD traits, her "victim" behavior was one that manifested itself frequently.

Julia---I certainly could and would offer what you suggested but am uncertain about how it would be received.  Let's not forget that I had an affair with his wife and it's probably too early or raw for any contact on my part to be constructive.  One thing that I know for certain is that he in unaware of her affliction---he just thinks she's nuts.

[BPD Dilemna]

One other item---even after her overtures, my ex and her ex-husband remain separated after she filed for divorce over a year ago.  It seems as though he's moving forward with his life and perhaps my reaching out could reverse his progress in doing just that.

[BPD Dilemna]

All,
Just had another texting back and forth with my ex-BPDgf concerning extending an apology to her husband.  She remains adamantly opposed calling any apology "arrogant, wholly insensitive and laughable".

I still remain undecided and torn.  Any other thoughts?  Thanks.

[Cookie Monster]

  Hi BPD Dilemma

I had some other thoughts:   how would I feel if I were in her exH's shoes?   I would not feel less angry, as a matter of fact, I may be triggered to unload all my pent up anger & hostility.  But, that's me.  Maybe some input from some of the other men on the board who have been in the exH 's shoes would help.  Or maybe try to put yourself in the exH's shoes, how would you feel if you were in his shoes?  I mean you can't actually know if you,ve never been there. but try to imagine how you would feel about a letter.

I agree w the other poster who said u don't know this person's disposition. a letter could trigger him if he has a lot of pent up anger.  On the other hand, if it seems he's moving on, maybe he wouldn't give a hoot either way.  Perhaps u weren't the 1st person she cheated with?  Maybe he had decided that was the last straw.  There is no way you can know the dynamics of their relationship.  

In my own experience, my BPDh told me so many lies 2 conceal his activities (serial cheater) I could not trust anything he said.  The point is, that is  common pattern of behavior of BPD ( enables  them 2 get what they need).    

If u feel u must send a letter, maybe write the letter, but wait 6 mos to send it, u may feel differently then (That,s what my T suggested 4 me).   It seems as if you are angry and hurt, too. Right or wrong?
One thing which has helped me is to read as much as I can about BPD, just helped me to understand why BPDh behaved as he did.    Your exgf has a mental illness.  I had a hard time accepting that concept myself as I did not know H was pwBPD until after his death  :)o you think you have to send the letter right away?  Taking time 2 think it over & even talk 2 ur T about it again may make ur decision easier.

Good luck, CM

[BPD Dilemna]

Cookie,

Good insight and thanks for the thoughts.  Some responses:

--There is really no timetable on this.  It represents the last item on my detachment list but that doesn't make it the right thing to do.  I believe that he has known about the affair for about 6 mos
---Their relationship was very unstable and has been for quite some time. I have little doubt that she has had previous affair(s)as she basically admitted this to me.  Since she filed for divorce (not him) I think that on some level this could have been the last straw and he may be relieved to be done with her. 
---He's somewhat emotionally detached (in fact he actually told me this) and I believe that if he wasn't he would have contacted me by now if he was harboring hostility.  Definitely would have contacted me if he was trying to reconcile with his/my ex.

I've studied BPD for over a year and I totally agree with the serial lying that you mentioned.  In retrospect I believe little of what she told me once we started recycling.  That said, her opinion of why I shouldn't reach out to him lacks credibility.

I'll continue to mull things over.  I would like to think that if I were in his shoes that I would almost expect some type of apology (especially since we know each other) but I'm looking at the situation thru my lens.

Thanks so much for your past commentary