Bpd has no regards for me or anything

[KarmasReal]

Why is it my ex BPD has no regard for me? I mean she probably has none for most people but especially why none for me? I know we broke up a week ago, but she was the one who caused it and she was the one who didn't attempt to apologize or fix things but to just end it. I of course did to in as much as her behavior just couldn't be tolerated any longer, it was the final straw to show me she was never going to change.

I'm hurt over it, sad, angry, etc. but I'm still trying to be decent. We were getting ready to move in together and buy a house when this all happened so it makes it a little harder. But anyways when I left I didn't take everything of mine from her apartment as we had been living together for several months. I also had put her address down for my jobs. Seeing as how after I unpacked, a week later, and also was told by my bosses they would be mailing me important stuff. I, after a week of no contact, texted her asking if I could get my remaining things and also tell her about the mail situation. It seemed like a small request of a few minutes time for someone she shared over two years with.

I don't know why, but the texting was passive aggressive from her. Saying she was busy didn't want to talk right now, etc. saying it in a way like she was with someone which I don't know why she's being cruel about it. I told her I needed to do it before Monday so I didn't text her again until Sunday at 530 asking if she was free today. It's now 930 and she has not responded at all. She knows this is important it's like saying she cares that little about me or anything that matters to me. I know she's seen the message as she was on Facebook around 915 so I'm pretty upset. Do normal people behave like this? It's not like I'm asking for a kidney just 5 minutes of her time. I would think most people would be okay with that, especially since I'm the one who did nothing to her but try to provide everything I could. If I was the jerk maybe it would be understandable.

Just trying to vent a little during this time of anger and hurt. Thanks for listening!

[KarmasReal]

*on a side note. It seems she doesn't want to be civil with me, she doesn't want to see me, she's gone from being rude and petty to ignoring me. Why the hell after a week and a half are our pictures still up on Facebook and Instagram. Hell her profile picture on Instagram is us, it makes no sense!

[once removed]

hey KarmasReal,

what sort of stuff of yours is she in possession of?

[rfriesen]

I agree, Karma, it makes no sense. It's a push/pull where you're expected to do the work of cracking some mysterious code that will get her to open up and admit she does care, and that she has the old pictures up for some reason that's very hard to communicate to you. This can create the illusion that if you just try harder or say the right thing or approach her the right way, then you can have the open conversation you crave.

I'm not saying she's sending out these mixed signals to be deliberately cruel. She might want to keep some connection in place. In moments, I'm sure she misses you. Maybe in other moments she does enjoy the power game. Maybe in moments she's angry and wants to hurt you. And then again other moments where she wants to hold you and make it all better. I know, I've seen the full range with my ex, and I believe she was always genuine in the moment. Or if not always, then very often.

To my mind, this is what poses maybe the greatest challenge to detaching. The mixed signals can make our heads spin. We feel like we're being toyed with one minute and get hurt and angry, then the next minute we remember how vulnerable and loving our exes can be, and we long to reach out to them. If only we could bring it all into some kind of coherent picture and stop our thoughts and feelings from spinning around like that!

Well, once we've been through the cycle enough times and we know we need to begin letting go, then there is a way to stop the horrible spinning of thoughts and emotions. We learn to accept that maybe there is no coherent picture and that we can't fix the cycle of the relationship, except by letting go. It's a long, slow process, don't get me wrong. It takes time and patience and compassion with ourselves.

[KarmasReal]

Thanks for the replies. Rfriesen, insightful and helpful as always. Once removed, she really doesn't have much. The night of our big breakup I made sure to gather any and everything I could think of, down to the body wash in the shower. I believe there are a few of my DVDs some video games I let her kids play, phone chargers, and a couple of clothing items. Also, the fact that we were living together there I put that address down for all mail from my job and I wanted to speak with her about any mail I might get, since it will be important, and also seeing as her lease is up next month wanting to see if she will still stay there and be able to get my mail until it is fixed.

Honestly though, I want her to look at me and talk to me about everything that's happened. When she gets in a disordered state she can be as cruel and hurtful as any person I've seen. But when she's not triggered like that she knows what she's done. Hell she might even feel guilty about it, I'm still not sure where I stand on BPD and feelings like guilt or empathy. I honestly think she's avoiding me so she doesn't have to see me, I think she's cruel to push me further away, she wants to feel bad alone and then do all the terrible coping mechanisms BPD have to feel better. Though they don't last. She can't handle seeing me right now, and I can't handle this break up being so awful and wanting us to be civil and decent, another push/pull between us, like always.

[rfriesen]

Honestly though, I want her to look at me and talk to me about everything that's happened.

Very understandable. I remember trying desperately for months to have a real conversation with my ex. I'm so grateful now that I was already on the other side of the country. We would have recycled endlessly.

It can be incredibly hard to let go of the idea that you'll have a real conversation about everything, and at least get some closure by acknowledging to each other how much the relationship meant, what you loved about it, what you'll miss, sharing some laughs. Or at least some sign of respect and good wishes going forward in life.

Hard to let go of, yes. But what if she just cannot or will not have that conversation with you? Are you ready to face that possibility?

She can't handle seeing me right now, and I can't handle this break up being so awful and wanting us to be civil and decent, another push/pull between us, like always.

That is the familiar dilemma. Something has to give eventually. In the past, the result was that you would reach out, eventually she would see you, and ultimately you would end up back in a relationship with her, yes? Are you able to contemplate the possibility of the break-up being as awful as it is, and not seeing your ex again? That's not to say you have to accept that you'll never see her again at all. Just to accept that the break-up is what it is and you let go for now of trying to see her and fix things?

[KarmasReal]

I have contemplated that. I've gone through two previous break ups where we didn't speak for months, with her. But those months always felt surreal like a nightmare. I was living day to day to avoid pain. I didn't watch tv I didn't interact with my family I set in my apartment, drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes endlessly thinking about everything. I wasn't functioning well, spending money on the weekends to go out and find some girl to take my mind off her only for the next day to come and I'm thinking about her again. Then we would somehow get back together and I would try even harder! I finished school, I got my trainer certification, I got not one new job but ended up leaving that one for an even better job, I was working out, eating healthy, not smoking, I equated us getting back together as happiness and my life got back on track. This time isn't quite as bad, I'm still smoking more but not drinking during the week, I go to work and end up staying there for 10 plus hours just to fill my day. It's hard feeling this lonely when I lose not only my ex BPD but her two kids and our apartment and our future. I'm kind of eating normally. I've been through this 3 other times so I guess I can handle it better now. It still hurts though.

I'm still connected to my ex though, I have co workers and friends who her girls that have tried to add me on social media and I won't for fear my ex will think I'm dating them. I still have our pictures up and so does she. Plus the fact that we have gotten back together 3 previous times always leaves that as a more than slight possibility once again. So how do I detach knowing this? I guess block her on everything, delete her and go on with my life. But despite the disorder I've never met anyone who connects together with me like her. Even in our opposites we go together. Of course all her bod traits are horrendous and god awful, I keep thinking I can never meet anyone whos going to be like her again, there's nobody out there better for me. I really need to change that thinking cause it is holding me back in this situation.

[rfriesen]

Of course all her bod traits are horrendous and god awful, I keep thinking I can never meet anyone whos going to be like her again, there's nobody out there better for me. I really need to change that thinking cause it is holding me back in this situation.

This really is key. I understand the inner torment. You don't want to detach and move on because you're afraid you'll never get back to such a happy place as the good times with your ex. You don't want to lose that feeling of it being the happiest place in the world for you. But unless you do gain some distance, you'll be stuck believing it's the happiest place in the world for you. You don't want to let go of that belief. As you said in a recent post, your ego won't let you accept that you've poured so much of yourself into something that's not real.

The thing is, if you do give yourself some time and distance from the relationship, eventually you will start to detach and see that it's not the only relationship for you and, given all that's happened, quite likely a source of great distress and pain going forward. If you were to begin detaching, you might learn a lot about what you really crave in a relationship and be able to find that in a healthier, more open and stable relationship.

But, again, it is very hard to walk away when you're deeply enmeshed. Only you can decide if and when it's time to take that step.