Husband seems to show some BPD traits

[bettyblue]

Hello,

My husband has always had angry episodes.  These include accusing me of not supporting him, disregarding his needs, not understanding what the real priorities are for a number of different subjects.  These outbursts include name calling, threats, glaring and intimidating body language and are sometimes done in front of our children (11y and 8y).

Until 12 months ago, I felt very upset with each outburst, I found it impossible to reason with him, I felt angry myself that once he felt better he would carry on as normal, never say sorry, never seem to understand the hurt created or even to care about it.  He maintained the position that whatever I had done justified his outburst.

We started our relationship 10 years ago.  I had some doubts from the start, but put these to one side as there are many things about him that are wonderful.  With him I felt like I was going somewhere.

About 12m ago, something in me said no.  I no longer wanted to accept and forget his bad behaviour.  I read a lot on the internet and thought perhaps he had anger issues.  I persuaded him to see a psychoanalyst, whom he is still seeing.  But there is no real change.  He has said to me that he feels abandoned easily.  But even this admission was difficult.  And to complicate matters even more, he is a regular dope smoker.  So we rarely get to speak about emotional issues when he is not stoned.

I don't know whether he has BPD, but from reading online it seems that some of the characteristics apply to him.  At least, it's helping me to imagine that he has as I can try to feel more empathetic.  I have been trying to understand what emotions are behind his anger so as not to get upset over whatever accusations are leveled at me.  It's not easy.

At the moment I've felt at breaking point.  To help myself I've started to see a psychiatrist and I've joined this group.  I'm also temporarily at a friends house with the kids to get away from the toxic arguing - the big issue right now isthat I don't want to be intimate.

I'm not really sure what to do next.

I'm asking myself if I'm not just making things worse with my my stand on insisting on my own space, on insisting that I have the right not to want to be intimate.

I seem to be fulfilling all my husbands fears, that I don't love him, that I'm leaving him.  He doesn't accept that my actions are rational.  He's suggesting that I have emotional problems and once these are sorted things will be better.

I'm a bit lost on this.  Perhaps I do have issues, I certainly lived with this problem for long enough without understanding it and without taking any action.

Well that's my story for now.

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[malibu4x]

Hi Bettyblue,

Welcome to the site. Glad you found us.  You are not alone. 
I can relate to much of what you have said. It definitely is not easy.

Looks like you have taken a healthy decision to get some space for now and regroup.
You mentioned getting with a psychiatrist is another great step. 
There is also a lot to learn here from the group,  and the lessons on the right rail are also a great starting point.

We all have our own demons to slay, but don't beat yourself up.  You have been doing the best you have been able based one what you have known.

One book that has helped me is called "Overcoming BPD: A Family Guide to Change".  I've been highlighting the heck out of it is focused on skill building to deal with the challenges of this disorder.