Anyone else get blamed for their partner's life being terrible?

[mrstring]

She keeps saying I did nothing to help her or her kids for 14 years.
She spent all her money on me instead of getting plastic surgery done or buying a house
I am cheating on her... .by the way I am not nor have I ever
She is happy as can be one moment and then on a dime start crying and saying she has no life and after 14 years she has nothing to show for being with me.

I feel very sad and depressed because I gave her everything I had even though it wasn't everything she wanted. I truly feel like a failure but at the same time I never forced her what to do with her money or time or how to spend time with the kids.

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[ortac77]

Yes - of course it has to be my fault because the one thing I have learnt about BPD above all else is that they cannot take responsibility, it has to be someone else's fault. I use the 3 c's of Al-Anon to maintain my sanity:

I didn't Cause it
I cant Control it
I cant Cure it

and to add one I cannot even Comprehend it

I have to repeat this to myself a lot!

[TommyBahama]

I get blamed all the time, and she apparently treats her friends better because they treat her better than me (they don't they take advantage of her and  I do everything).  I have been reading lately and apparently a lot of times they treat the person's closest to them the worst.

[ortac77]

Thats the point as I see it, they attract those of us who are 'people pleasers' - who perhaps are prone to co-dependency - it seems so attractive initially.

I can think back now and see how foolish I have been, believing I was somehow so powerful I could make somebody else happy, falling for the sob stories, arrogantly believing I could be the one who made the difference.

The hook is in, its subtle at first but over time I really got sucked into believing that I was really responsible for this other person. It meant that I was constantly forgiving, accepting that somehow my needs took second place, they cant help it they are sick.

Now I can step back and be sympathetic to the illness but am starting to come out of the denial in realising that I am as affected as the BPD sufferer. This has made me sick, its uncomfortable,  but its not fatal.

Sometimes its something silly that really jolts one, tonight I am being blamed for not buying the food he wants, er he has money, he has legs, he can go to the shops. Not my responsibility, I think I have pretty much made a vow to myself that this stops, if he starves thats his choice - I don't need teenage tantrums from a grown man!

There bit of a rant but has helped, tomorrow is a whole new day and its mine :-)