Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward Borderline?

[Gift to myself]

'Tis the season and my emotions are all over the place... .
Sunday evening, I attended "Lessons and Carols" at church.
I want to forgive and forget, but still want to move on.
God always forgives me, and gives me unlimited chances.
I've been thinking of flying out to surprise him for Christmas.
We haven't seen eachother since I visited in July 2015.
Then I think I must be crazy.  He has hurt me beyond repair.
I will never be able trust him again.

[Hisaccount]

Don't do it. stay away.

I often argued this with my BPD wife. God forgives me but she couldn't.
She says she forgives, but forgiveness is more than just words. It is letting it go and not ever bringing it up again.
They are not capable of doing that, they are not capable of true forgiveness.

Another way to think about it, God forgives and forgets, the devil does not and the devil will remind you of every horrible thing you have ever done.
I think I was married to the devil.

I know your feeling of compassion. I actually debate about sending my ex a christmas gift because I know nobody else will and how sad is that.
but really? What am I thinking? A woman who left me shattered and broken and I am going to send her a gift?
I am not strong enough for that yet. I think most people here can understand that.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Gift to myself,

This kind of back and forth thinking and feeling is normal during the recovery process. it can be confusing and uncomfortable, and I understand your wanting to "forgive and forget." That is a kind thing to do—for both you and your loved one with BPD.

I would advise against surprising him for the holidays. While your intentions are good, the action could backfire and cause more hurt and upset for you (and possibly for him). Some people with BPD's emotions change so rapidly—it was the case in my relationship—and what sounds like a good idea today could be the worst thing you could do tomorrow.

I'd recommend facing what you are feeling head on if you can, and soothing yourself by practicing self-care, instead of reaching out right now. I know how hard it is. Keep posting about your feelings and thoughts. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole