The Negative And Positive Responses: How Do You Still Have Trust?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yesterday my BPDwife triggered and created a HUGE mountain out of a few issues that were really nothing. Granted we've all been there and have experienced this. I was proud of her for recognizing what she had done and that she made an attempt to reconcile.

What I'm struggling with is processing through all of the hurtful and malicious comments she made and then how easily she can then overwhelm me with positive and affirming statements. That she could really feel those things about me and yet still have such a desire to make love to me. Please understand, I have forgiven her and I know that she is speaking to me through her distorted view of life and events. It leads to her saying horrible things about me, my character and integrity. I can process through that part, that she feels those things and verbalizes them.

What I'm struggling with is WHAT IS EVEN REAL? We had an honest conversation about trust. Explaining that I understand that she doesn't trust me with her heart because she feels I am hurting her by ___________ fill in the blank for that day. Then I explained that I also don't trust her because I have no idea anymore what is real in our relationship. It's so disordered that I'm confused... .

How do you all deal with both the negative and the positive and somehow land emotionally in a place that gives you trust in your relationship?

[RDMercer55]

Yesterday my BPDwife triggered and created a HUGE mountain out of a few issues that were really nothing. Granted we've all been there and have experienced this. I was proud of her for recognizing what she had done and that she made an attempt to reconcile.

What I'm struggling with is processing through all of the hurtful and malicious comments she made and then how easily she can then overwhelm me with positive and affirming statements. That she could really feel those things about me and yet still have such a desire to make love to me. Please understand, I have forgiven her and I know that she is speaking to me through her distorted view of life and events. It leads to her saying horrible things about me, my character and integrity. I can process through that part, that she feels those things and verbalizes them.

What I'm struggling with is WHAT IS EVEN REAL? We had an honest conversation about trust. Explaining that I understand that she doesn't trust me with her heart because she feels I am hurting her by ___________ fill in the blank for that day. Then I explained that I also don't trust her because I have no idea anymore what is real in our relationship. It's so disordered that I'm confused... .

How do you all deal with both the negative and the positive and somehow land emotionally in a place that gives you trust in your relationship?

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[Wrongturn1]

Yeah, I'm not sure it's possible to "trust" a person with BPD. 

With my uBPDw, I don't trust her to: see my side of any issue; create a positive environment for our children; be sober on any given evening; follow through on any commitment that she makes; etc. 

The way I deal with it is to remind myself that I have chosen to stay in a relationship with someone who suffers from a severe mental illness, so these things are all to be expected, and I accept that.  I use boundaries to protect myself from abuse, and I end up in a workable situation that is tolerable or even pleasant most of the time.

[drained1996]

RD,

Wrongturn makes a good statement:

The way I deal with it is to remind myself that I have chosen to stay in a relationship with someone who suffers from a severe mental illness, so these things are all to be expected, and I accept that.

Remember, we cannot change them (any change is up to them), but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  Radical Acceptance has played a large part in my life, giving me the ability to center myself in understanding and ACCEPTING many situations.  Here is a link:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

 

[Jessica84]

The key is to stay centered as much as possible. Find your "anchor" inside. That way you don't get pulled up and down by the highs and lows. No easy task for sure, but a good goal to shoot for.

[livednlearned]

Could it be that the struggle to tell the difference between real/not real has to do with how you feel about yourself?

If she thinks you are a lying, no good son of a b***h, and you think that too, then that's going to be very real.

If she thinks you are a lying, no good son of a b***h, and you know that you are a good man who tries his best, makes mistakes, and wants to learn, then what she says is not going to be very real at all.

When she idealizes you, then devalues you, she is swinging between extremes, struggling to think dialectically. You are somewhere in the middle of what she says, where you are doing the best you can AND you can do better. That's all that any of us can be. It's probably the most real thing there is.

[RDMercer55]

The way I deal with it is to remind myself that I have chosen to stay in a relationship with someone who suffers from a severe mental illness, so these things are all to be expected, and I accept that.  I use boundaries to protect myself from abuse, and I end up in a workable situation that is tolerable or even pleasant most of the time.

Wrongturn you hit it right on the head... .I don't believe it's possible to have real trust either. You always know something is and will happen and it's really your decision to respond or react. Thank you for the wisdom.

Could it be that the struggle to tell the difference between real/not real has to do with how you feel about yourself?

If she thinks you are a lying, no good son of a b***h, and you think that too, then that's going to be very real.

If she thinks you are a lying, no good son of a b***h, and you know that you are a good man who tries his best, makes mistakes, and wants to learn, then what she says is not going to be very real at all.

When she idealizes you, then devalues you, she is swinging between extremes, struggling to think dialectically. You are somewhere in the middle of what she says, where you are doing the best you can AND you can do better. That's all that any of us can be. It's probably the most real thing there is.

Livenlearned... .this is also an excellent observation. However I am certain of who I am and who I have been in the relationship. Most importantly to me, my children know the truth and they love and respect me.

It's the uncertainty and the drama that comes with it that just drains me. Since there is no real trust and my take away from this conversation is that I need to continue in self-care and keep myself grounded to the truth about who I am and what I value most.

Once again, thank you for your insights, it helped tremendously... .

[Notwendy]

I think we have to trust ourselves, and if you are religious, trust God.

If we trust ourselves- and know who we are, then accusations and critical words don't affect us- because we are certain they are not true.

I like the "pink elephant" analogy. If someone called you a pink elephant- would that upset you? I hope you would just think that's strange and be certain that you are not a pink elephant. However, if we are uncertain of who we are, then someone else's ideas and opinions might concern us- if we accept their version of reality.

Feeling as if our own reality is altered is something I think is familiar to us. The solution for me is to know who I am.

Give up on black and white thinking. No person is all good or all bad. Neither are we. We can make mistakes, but does that define us? We can crack one eggshell- and a partner with BPD could react as if we committed some terrible crime. But is that really true? How many people are convicted of a crime for buying the wrong can of soup at the store?

We also have to extend that to others. People make mistakes, they let us down sometimes, but sometimes they don't. What defines them?

We need to own our values and boundaries. So someone called us names. Is that a deal breaker? Maybe not. What about cheating? Is that a deal breaker? It can be. We can have our deal breakers- and our boundaries. They reflect us- they are who we are. Someone else might disagree with them, but they are them and we are us.

Know where we end and someone else begins. My thoughts and feelings are mine, someone else's are theirs. I don't have to be enmeshed with their thoughts and feelings.

Do I trust others?  If someone is trustworthy, then I can trust them. But if someone is not ,I don't trust them. I also have to be trustworthy if I value that.

With someone with BPD, feelings are facts- so someone could at one time call you names, then say they love you the next. If that is who they are, then it is. However, if they have continuously lied to you or cheated, I am not sure they are trustworthy overall.

[Lockjaw]

I think you can find things to trust. I trust my GF with my kids, my house, money, guns, my general wellbeing, etc.

Can she be a royal B? Yes. Can she blow something way out of proportion? Yes. But can she also love me? Absolutely... .

I could have one that is very high functioning, but she is basically a good person, who at the end of the day is insecure and child like in that she can't see herself objectively. That doesn't make it any easier for me when she is at defcon 5 over something she doesn't like that in the grand scheme of things doesn't deserve a second thought, but it is the truth.

Just be careful about what you tell them, because if you want to be attacked by it later, you can be. I told mine she was the best GF I had ever had, especially sexually. Now I just want sex. Or that was a lie to get her in bed. Yet when she is not bad, she is right there, ready and willing... .and she says she loves being with me.