evoldnahturt
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 3
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« on: June 03, 2017, 12:26:50 PM » |
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I was talking with a friend of mine about how I was thinking about seeing prostitutes and professional cuddlers because I haven't been intimate with anyone in a while and I thought it might improve the quality of my life. Her friend with borderline personality disorder became interested in helping me with that. I don't really know this person well, we've only hung out a couple of times over the past decade. Until recently, she didn't live in the area. A couple of days later, I invited her to a concert that a friend of mine invited me to. She told me she was already drunk before I headed out to pick her up. When I got there, she seemed really happy, but not that drunk. It took her an hour to get ready after I got there, though, which made us a little late. As soon as we got in my car, she became very loud and seemed much more drunk. I became a little concerned that she was going to get herself arrested if she remained like this once we got out of the car. She did and got weird looks, but nobody called the cops. She later mentioned that her borderline personality disorder made her seem more drunk than she was. I don't know why, but there's something about her specific brand of crazy that night that really drew me in, I liked it. She was all over me too, which made me feel good about myself. I felt like she loved me for who I was and she told me so. We hadn't spent much time together, but our mutual friend had many things she could have said about me that could have caused this feeling of love. We met up with my friend, I warned her that the friend I brought with me was very drunk. She found us, but soon left us to get to the front of the stage. We didn't see her the rest of the night. After the concert, I ended up finding her a little ways past the exit, with a security guard. They had kicked her out. According to her, she was minding her own business and the guards started harassing her for no reason. I'm not sure I believe that story, but that's the only one I've got. She made friends with the guard, apparently, and asked if we could go with him to a bar. At first I suggested that we just go home, but she really wanted to, so I was like whatever. The guard got us in for free. He came back after he had changed. They talked some, she gave him her number. Then we left. When we got back, we talked on the patio for several hours. I got to know her a lot better. She said things that really made her seem compassionate. Things that I thought only people with certain understands would know to say. It drew me in more. Then we went to bed. I didn't want to do more than cuddle because she was drunk and I wasn't sure what her intent was before she got drunk. She was really affectionate. She started coming on to me pretty hard, pushing herself into my crotch to try to get something started. It made me feel really attractive. She ended up getting frustrated and masturbated. At that point I really felt like she not only loved me for me, but thought I was physically attractive. I'm not talking about romantic love. I just felt like she loved me as a person. I understand how stupid it might seem for me to get so much out of this, but this kind of thing doesn't happen to me with people that I'm attracted to. She fell asleep, I stayed up all night cuddling with her. It was amazing. I think the fact that she was so affectionate, seemed really compassionate, and I was so physically attracted to her got some wires crossed in my brain when we cuddled. I felt a huge connection, even though I understood I didn't know this person very well. I later looked in to it and found that a lot of bonding hormones had probably been released when we cuddled that caused this increased feeling of connection. I left the next morning and got a text from our mutual friend that she left her phone in my car. I stopped by to drop it off. Talked with her and her roommate for a few hours, really cool dude by the way. Before I left, he hit a dab pipe while I was sitting next to him and I inhaled some secondhand smoke. I have a health condition that makes it dangerous for me to use drugs, even marijuana. I had a panic attack, but it went away after a minute or so. I figured I was good, so I left. She didn't seem freaked out, I didn't make a big deal out of it. Although she told me it was all in my head when it was happening. Then on the ferry, I had a much worse panic attack. I texted her, freaking out, asking how long it takes to fully kick in, because I quickly got really high and was getting higher. She told me it's instantaneous and that this was all in my mind. I wasn't rude or angry, just scared. After that she became really distant. She was nice, tried to make me feel like she wasn't weirded out, but she wasn't very talkative. It was clear she wanted me to disappear. For a week I tried to just shake it off. I figured what I was feeling would go away. This wasn't supposed to be anything serious, and I was still fine with that, but the fact that she was so nice and then became so distant so quickly really made me feel bad about myself. It's a well-established pattern. It usually doesn't bother me, but this time it really bothered me. I ended up discovering through our mutual friend that she was really freaked out by the fact that I had a bad reaction to dab. I told her I was really bummed out by the fact that she's become so distant. She was really nice about it, explained she's been busy lately, that she was afraid that I had rejected her because I hadn't talked to her in several days, although that was only because she just wasn't talking back. She said she thought I wasn't interested because she was sloppy drunk when we hung out. She continues to ignore messages. Doesn't say much usually when she does respond. She was okay with continuing to hang out, but it's clear she was just willing to hang out with me to be nice and would prefer for me to go away. I don't understand how something like that could cause such a strong disconnection. Is this the borderline personality disorder? It's really bothering me, I want to understand what happened and what's going on in her head. Is that feeling of love gone? Is it gone forever? Why did it go away? I've decided to quit talking to her, no good will come of it. I don't want to care what's going on in her head, but I know I'm going to have a hard time letting it go until I feel like I understand what happened.
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