Dating a girl who shows a lot signs of BPD

[sadcinammonroll]

I feel really sad right now.

Been dating a girl for 2 months and we genuinely love and care for each other and we really want things to work out in the long run. She hasnt been violent towards me nor manipulative. I'm just scared that she might leave because of her internal turmoil. I give her reassurance always and I am always trying to be good for her and there for her and supportive as well. She means a lot to me and she feels the same. I just want to cry all night. I know that people with BPD can get better. I am hoping for the best at the same time i cant help but feel so sad and scared due to losing her. Help Please tell me that long term relationships with someone with BPD is possible. It is rare I know but how does one make it last?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Five28]

I've been married to my BPD wife for 36 years. 
If I were granted three wishes one of them would be to be in your position right now. I would flee that relationship and never look back and then find someone else who does not suffer from this mental illness. From my perspective (and you can probably tell that I am a bit pessimistic here) your life will be one of chaos and stress, and any happiness will be sucked out by the never ending cycle of BPD issues. Temper tantrums, yelling, and blaming will probably be part of your typical day. Then shortly after, all will seem to have returned to normal. But don't  be so quick to let your guard down, cause all you have to do is look at her the wrong way, say something that she disagrees with, or do any one of hundreds of triggers that set her off and you'll be back in the dog house. You stated that  "I just want to cry all night." Is this how you want to live your life?

[rosesarered777]

I have read about long term marriages but haven't seen LTRs as often.

I was with her for almost 7 years, longer if you include the pending divorce and her wacky behaviour as of late.

I did not realize that she was ill until the first two or three months, just like you. She said that she trusted me so she gave  me a bomb of a story, causing me to distrust her. She used to say that was the story that killed our relationship, but I am sure there were other lies that I never discovered along the way. She wanted honesty it seemed but only when it did not incriminate her as she was in that moment. Her rages against pillows and other events did not become known to me until later, which I calmly accepted because she was not harming a living thing. I do not know if she ever attacked her cat but I suspect that because the cat was a quiet 'enabler', she probably didn't.

As time went on, more and more cracks became obvious and she idealized me less and less, asking why I wanted to be with her, etc. That I thought was very strange but I assured her a lot in that period.

She told me that most of her relationships were a year  in length or less, if that is the truth.

[Lockjaw]

First of all, I think 2 months isn't enough time to tell if you really love someone. You are in heat. Or lust. Your brain is tricking you right now by releasing chemicals that make you overlook the places you are different, or making you think, oh isn't that cute? It won't be when the chemicals stop being released.


My GF has traits of BPD if not the whole shooting match. She won't see a therapist, so I can't get a diagnosis for sure.

In any event here is what it's like. We have been dating for about 18 months. She is very high functioning.

She is very blunt and direct. I am codependent. It is very hard for me to tell if she is fussing at me, or fussing in general. She is very defensive if she is in the wrong, often justifying what she does. I have gone as far as to say to her, you could go bang a guy tonight, me find out and confront you, and you would find a way to make it seem ok.

This started out of the blue, it took longer than 2 months to show up. Really about 6. It blindsided me. It upset me and I would bend over backwards to get her to settle down. Usually she would take shots at me in the process. So a word to the wise, anything damaging about yourself you tell, you best be prepared to hear it again, in a critical voice.

As time has progressed, I have gotten much less tolerant of it. Sometimes I handle it well, sometimes I blow a gasket and let her have it.

My main issue is her opinions. She has them about everything, and she wants to voice them, and of course gets pissed when people don't listen. I have tried to tell her the best way to get someone to listen to your opinion is to let them ask for it first, but... .that didn't go to well.

I don't like arguing, she doesn't mind it. She will apologize later.

So what you can expect. They deal totally in emotion. There is no facts or logic. You will always be wrong, and it takes a while for them to figure out they are wrong. They are masters of deflecting if they are wrong. Arguing seems to make them happier. And you never know when they are gonna let go. Or over what.

[wren1]

i agree with five 28 if id only known then what i know now! been in it for 24 years add 2 kids and 2 morgages to it with ailing parents that you take care of ,his and mine things get really complicated!

[Jessica84]

Welcome to the circus! Start with the lessons on the right side of this page ---->

You are in an enviable position. 2 months is a short time so you have a chance to go into this with eyes wide open. Most of us didn't know for years what was happening. Read all you can so you know what to expect and decide how much you are willing to commit to the r/s - without sacrificing yourself in the process.