Wife recently diagnosed, coping and trying to keep things together

[bkman64]

Hello,

I have been married now for 6 years going on 7. I love my wife very much. She is a great mother, great person, and great spouse (when these behaviors are not present).  We have had issues in our relationship as I am sure anyone does but most recently we had a major event. Long story short, she went into a rage, drank alot, grabbed a knife threatened to cut herself because of me and would say things that she does it because of me and your the reason I want to die. She did cut herself in the wrist several times all while we were watching 4 children. I am caught there trying to maintain order while she is acting out and eventually I didn't know what else to do so I called 911.  The police came and ambulance came and took her to the emergency room for containment.  I later went to the hospital once I had my parents to watch the children. I spoke in great detail with the social worker about behaviors and things leading up to this event. Through this all, I never felt anger towards her, I just felt compassion and sadness that this is where the behavior brought us.  The social worker was talking to me about sending her to an inpatient facility. My first reaction was that she was being committed to a mental hospital which was to some degree true but really the primary objective was to get her into immediate care and to diffuse the tumultuous home situation for a few days. I took days off work and stayed home with our two boys. I made the 45 minute drive down to the facility so she could see the kids and bring her some clothes and personal belongings. I showered her with love and understanding. She only had to stay the minimum 3 days. After receiving her evaluations, she was diagnosed with BPD, given some medication and then came home.

So far we have been making a decent effort to return back to our lives (Its only been 3 days since she came home.) Obviously everything has changed since the event. After researching BPD, I was blown away about how all these behaviors have been impacting our marriage over the years and I had no idea. There have been so many things that I changed myself for, or thought was my fault due to her way of convincing me, even small things. A lot I attributed to just growing up or increased responsibility and while some of it is that, some changes were implicitly to make her satisfied and happy only to lead to another thing I am doing wrong or need to change. 

Just last night, there was another trigger. She kindly asked me what I told my close friend and co-worker about the situation. I honestly answered the question, that I told him all of what happened and that he was really understanding and was concerned for her. I saw the switch flip, she immediately said that is none of his business, she was the one shamed, I have no business talking about this with anyone but family, she should control who knows about this, she never wants to be around my workplace again because I am going to be judged and embarrassed. You are selfish and all you care about is yourself and all you cared about was making yourself feel better but this happened to me not you! Etc, etc. Basically it just ended with her cursing me out, calling me a horrible person, the worst thing that happened to her and saying I was worse than someone elses husband from the clinic (who never visited, brought things to her etc.) She put her ear plugs in and went to sleep.

Now I am here at work, just trying to find support. I love her, I don't hate her despite what she says. I know we need time for therapy to start working for us etc. I guess right now I just need to find ways of coping with her when she starts bearing down on me. I can't diffuse the situation no matter what I say or do, this is so new to me as well. Help?

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[Lockjaw]

My GF is very private about things that she does as well. For example, she was unhappy I discussed an issue she and I were having with my therapist. I should not have done that she says. I said, so its bad that I ask a professional how to make things between us better? YEP!

It's a betrayal to her. I personally don't see it that way, and neither do any other people I know.

So I think its a couple things. First they have terrible self image, but can't admit it per se. Second, I think she knows some of her antics as I call them are over the top and not normal. But she can't admit that either. And of course she thinks a therapist is more messed up than she is.

So if you wife is anything like my GF, you have to adjust how you think. Be ready for little dumb things to blow up.

Glad she didn't hurt herself. I don't know what I would do if faced with that.

[livednlearned]

Hi bkman64,

Wow, you handled that event so well, and kept the family safe.

Does your wife accept the diagnosis? Is she willing to receive treatment?

I understand the desire to talk to friends and people who you trust about what she's going through (and what you went through), and you were honest with your wife about who you told and what was said.

At the same time, she hasn't had much time to process this and it's a stigmatizing disorder. Is that something you can validate with her?

Validation is a really important skill -- you'll learn lots about it here. It means acknowledging that her feelings are legit, and having empathy about her emotional experience.

A lot of times the escalations happen when we JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).

Glad you're here and found the site.

[Five28]

"Just last night, there was another trigger. She kindly asked me what I told my close friend and co-worker about the situation. I honestly answered the question, that I told him all of what happened and that he was really understanding and was concerned for her. I saw the switch flip, she immediately said that is none of his business, she was the one shamed, I have no business talking about this with anyone but family, she should control who knows about this, she never wants to be around my workplace again because I am going to be judged and embarrassed."

My wife is an undiagnosed BPD. While I cannot understand how she thinks when she goes off on me, one thing I can understand is a desire for privacy when it comes to personal problems, especially one that involves mental illness. I'm sure you meant well, and your post shows that you care deeply for your wife, but I'd refrain from discussing her problems with anyone other than family or professionals such as doctors or therapists. I'm sure most of us wouldn't want our dirty laundry aired in front of strangers. Other than that you seem to have handled the situation as well as can be expected.

[teapay]

You will need someone to talk to about your problems.  Going at it alone it treacherous and the BPD will prefer to isolate you and obfuscate or hide things.  You just don’t need to tell her.  Having your own T is a neutral way to go and you can frame it in terms of your own mental health.   It also helps to put your own interests first, then your kids and then your W.  In the long run, this will get you the best results.  Often nons prioritize in the reserve order, so as the BPD crashes everything else goes with it.

Congrats on the BPD dx!  Luckily your W got bad enough that professional third parties got involved and noted a serious medical problem.  I’ve gone through that rigmarole a few times.  Lots of people pine for that for their partner, but they never get that far.  It is a blessing.  I found the dx comes in handy, not only to pressure her into proper treatment, but also for explaining issues to outsiders, maintaining self respect and trusting my own thoughts and judgment.