Finally deciding to divorce after 17 years -

[peeta]

I have been with my BPD wife (formally diagnosed but untreated) for 17 years  we have 2 children a boy 11 and girl 3.  At present we are going through a divorce process instigated by her and ongoing investigation from Social Services. The divorce is happening because I gave up trying to solve her problems and put our children first and sought treatment for my son's anxiety issues. My wife has done everything to stop this. 

I have loved my wife all that time and been a good farther and husband. I am utterly heartbroken at what has happen to myself, my children and my wife. I still love her deeply but cannot accept the abuse and damage to our children, I have immense sympathy for the agony she is in and the freighting position she perceives she is in as she tries to make sense of the world around her, but her attempts to justify herself and control the world to suit her disordered mind end up in twisted situations, lies, deceit and conflict. 

A good analogy for a BPD is from the fairytale 'The Snow Queen' by Hans Christian Andersen: The evil troll made a magic mirror that distorts the appearance of everything it reflects. It fails to reflect the good and beautiful aspects, while magnifying their bad and ugly aspects. after the evil mirror it shattered shards fall to earth, a shard from the mirror gets lodged in a little boys 'Kay' eye and he now can only see the world through the distorted mirror. This breaks the heart of his family and friend 'Gerda'.  I have been Gerda trying to free my wife from the shard and the machinations of the Snow Queens, but I have failed and in my quest. I have damaged myself and my children. The shard cannot be removed and my beautiful wife is forever lost in spirit to my children and myself, lost in he world of anxiety, bitterness and any attempt to help her results in manipulation, control, isolation from others and emotional abuse if she is allowed.

So this post is a warning to people who may get into my position and a plea to those with BPD to admit thier issues and seek the right therapy (which is very hard to get on the NHS) - most professionals recommend Dialectic Behaviour therapy from a therapist that has experience of BPD. Most people who suffer from BPD cannot engage with therapy - such as my wife's own attempts to get therapy or co-therapy with me as every time she started she could not make it past three meetings as she always reverted to conflict with the therapist and not admitting her problem, putting blame on others First her farther and then me and walking out in distress.

I never thought I would ever divorce.  But over many years I developed a dangerous co-dependency with her who I thought I was rescuing and protecting (in many ways I was) but her behaviour and emotional abuse has just got worse and worse over the years. (I could write a book on the mad situations she has put me through, the insanity, the fights, the many times I have been locked out the house, my clothes in the garden waiting for me when I got home from a business trip, the times she ran away leaving me holding the baby, at least 3 times on christmas day) I could put up with this myself but watching our eldest develop learned behavioural issues and watching my wife's occasional psychotic episodes and constant conflict with people around her made me change my mind... .but this took a very long time and the support of family friends and professionals.

As other have stated here BPD is very dangerous and inflicts lasting harm on children, the lack of empathy, the conflict  the strange controlling behaviour.  I would ask any mum with BPD to look deeply into themselves and ask why is social services taking and interest and have you got the strength to look at yourself and seek the kind of help to deal with your personality disorder.  Treatment for this is hard and needs real effort. Very few people with a BPD have the ability to confront it.

I know my wife deeply loves our children and calling her a monster seems deeply unfair, she has a high functioning BPD, with no substance abuse issues, and has moments of real love and spends so much time trying to be a good mum. But that love has a caveat, it is controlling and is used to answer the anxieties she has and she absolutely refuses to admit she has a problem. She projects her own dark thoughts onto others and has huge swings between excessive love and hiding away from the children when they so desperately need her love. It is extremely damaging to all who have loved her, her family, myself, my family and most importantly our children. All who have loved her, she has emotionally abused wanting to drag them into the web of anxiety and has left a wake of broken hearts and shattered lives.

My involvement with social services has been very positive and they have offered my eldest support and support for me - I am getting talking therapy from  which has been very helpful - I am a big hairy man with a successful career & never thought I would ever want councelling - best thing I ever did and would recommend any one reading this to seek counselling as soon as possible if you suspect your partner has BPD.

My wife has crushed all the happiness out of my life and made me deeply depressed, the lack of any real unconditional love  for my children (and myself) I see a very bleak future for my children but one that has a lot less of thier mother in it.  I do not want a divorce but consistent advice from child psychologists and social workers have told me that the only way to give my children a chance at a better future is to leave and seek custody, a daunting prospect for me and one I have been putting the legal stepping stones and evidence in place for 2 years and probably have another six months to go.

For years I hoped and prayed it would get better, that we could resolve our issues, that I would work harder to make her happier. Nothing helped her abuse just got stronger and she has never been able to pick herself out of the deep despair she suffers.

To those who have been diagnosed with BPD ask yourself some serious questions,  who is really to blame for your situation? Who is at fault 'the world' or your way of looking at the world.  My wife always blames others, she is always making official complaints to schools, doctors and over the last two years social services. Children are too precious for you to cling to disordered beliefs and actions.

Strength and love to all affected

[yoyo1221]

Hi peeta,

Welcome!  I am new to the forum as well, currently going through divorce with stbex BPD wife.  17 years is a long time, I am so sorry you went through what you did.  It must have been so hard.  I felt and acted just like you with my stbex.  They give you a glimmer of hope, and you start thinking maybe this will work.  But you always end up back at the same place.  It is hard to let go of your partner because you shared so many memories together.  Both bad and good.  And I know you would rather not break up a family.  But I think it is great you are thinking about your children first.  They do not deserve to be in a toxic environment.  What helped me get through this was to learn why I stayed in this relationship even through all the pain.  Mostly FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  I learned that my mother hot-wired this into me at a young age, thats why I thought all the hurt, pain, emotional rollercoaster was a horrible but familiar feeling.  More and more I started learning about myself, I was able to emotional let go piece by piece.

I hope it all works out for you.  Just let you know you are not alone in this.  Good luck!