Doe eyed look. Caught in headlights.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uxBPDgf was extremely nostalgic(I explained the word and got the silent treatment). It seemed like she would go somewhere else and by the small sample of words while in the almost trance state she seemed to be with someone else head wise too. She could look back on something as so perfect. Even when she had seemed miserable, she could bring it up as a memory that was extraordinarily fun and memorable, but had seemed opposite in emotional distance and body language at the time. On a few occasions it was all in reverse. A relaxing day to my memory, she would say I had been such a mean person to her or hated the restaurant or concert, yet all she could describe as to how I was mean or upset was a feeling. Also she could change on a dime for a photo. The beggining photos were always her looking deeply into my eyes when she caught me off guard with a sneak photo bomb (I believe we were both happy in those). Then the later photos. I don't enjoy getting photographed much myself, but she could take a sneeky photo of us selfie style with me just looking lost and stunned in the background just after a sequence of cutting statements followed by a silent treatment, while I tried to understand what had just happened. She could look vicious and pull it together in an instant if she wanted a photo taken by me. I do believe it was disassociation and before I knew anything about BPD I always questioned if she had multiple personalities. I was told I had said things I never did. Didn't say things I did. She never said things she just had, or had told me things I'm positive she did not. All while slipping in and out of the trance. She was a Waif with so much control over me with my reluctance to trigger any storm or a removal of her presence to this state. In silence and the doe eyes she could deny all the attention she and other men had just given each other(I was "always" up to something with other women so she was just flirting because of that, blahhhh) as if she was clueless. Cute to Scary. thoughts? 

p.s Yes she cheated so the paranoia about the flirting was substantiated

[Octy]

My uxBPDgf was extremely nostalgic(I explained the word and got the silent treatment). It seemed like she would go somewhere else and by the small sample of words while in the almost trance state she seemed to be with someone else head wise too. She could look back on something as so perfect. Even when she had seemed miserable, she could bring it up as a memory that was extraordinarily fun and memorable, but had seemed opposite in emotional distance and body language at the time. On a few occasions it was all in reverse. A relaxing day to my memory, she would say I had been such a mean person to her or hated the restaurant or concert, yet all she could describe as to how I was mean or upset was a feeling. Also she could change on a dime for a photo. The beggining photos were always her looking deeply into my eyes when she caught me off guard with a sneak photo bomb (I believe we were both happy in those). Then the later photos. I don't enjoy getting photographed much myself, but she could take a sneeky photo of us selfie style with me just looking lost and stunned in the background just after a sequence of cutting statements followed by a silent treatment, while I tried to understand what had just happened. She could look vicious and pull it together in an instant if she wanted a photo taken by me. I do believe it was disassociation and before I knew anything about BPD I always questioned if she had multiple personalities. I was told I had said things I never did. Didn't say things I did. She never said things she just had, or had told me things I'm positive she did not. All while slipping in and out of the trance. She was a Waif with so much control over me with my reluctance to trigger any storm or a removal of her presence to this state. In silence and the doe eyes she could deny all the attention she and other men had just given each other(I was "always" up to something with other women so she was just flirting because of that, blahhhh) as if she was clueless. Cute to Scary. thoughts? 

p.s Yes she cheated so the paranoia about the flirting was substantiated

[gotbushels]

Hi Octy   

She was a Waif with so much control over me with my reluctance to trigger any storm or a removal of her presence to this state.

I relate to this in the way that my ex used tantrums ("storm" regularly as a constant threat--using fear as a control method.

You describe her behaviour and your perception of her presence during these times. What was the effect on you of having such different recollections of events? How does it make you feel when she looks vicious and pulls it all together in an instant for a photo?

Were you told things regularly that you were sure you didn't say?

[Octy]

gotbushels

I had never, nor have I since, had such different memories of mutual experiences. Sometimes it could have been something she had said twenty seconds before, said almost in a daydream fashion or maybe to herself and if I answered or commented on it she would say it was never said.  She could also tell me one thing and say something different on a phone call to someone else right in front of me. She was intelligent, but half the time it may have been a stress trigger to speak her feelings then try to reframe the picture afterword. I'm not sure she had ever been caught so much and wanted to avoid ruining the story she was creating.
 
 The "effect" was major confusion and self doubt until the pattern was proven reliablely true. I was lucky not to stop believing my own eyes and ears but I did slowly let things go without question. For me it was more her saying she hadn't said what she had, and her not remembering things I had. Communication was an allergy it seemed for her, as word/actions/feelings were just a jumble.
The photos showed me she cared less about the situations than I did after the honeymoon stage ended for her. That the outward image, and the words said, needed to be protected and any responsibility ignored. Only the closest to her and almost exclusively boyfriends saw the viscous side of her. She talked too openly, alternating between negative and positive about past relationships for my taste. Even when she had cheated on me with two of these exes she felt no remorse(tons of sorries for a day, but sorries where like breathing with no changes ever). She was closed off, almost prude in some aspects, yet the inappropriateness of her one liners behind closed doors or actions around other men in plain sight(other people said that to me)were inexplicable.
 She mostly said things and then denied them. I'm positive these were often in disassociative states. If caught red handed, she would seem nearly catatonic(the expression and eyes) reasoning out her next step. Scary.
That's my tangent. Hope I answered your question marks

[cbm419]

Welcome, octy!

A term you will see over and over on these boards is gaslighting.  Which, if you aren't familiar, amounts to:

 "manipulation through persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying in an attempt to destabilize and delegitimize a target. Its intent to is sow seeds of doubt in the subject, hoping to make themquestion their own memory, perception, and sanity ."

many of us here find that our BPDs persistently rewrote, reimagined or willfully denied past events to serve whatever present end they were pursuing.

I've been dealing w a lot of that today from my BPDex.

for example, he keeps insisting that a string of particularly abhorrent cheats were the result of me ending the relationship during an on/off stage.

well, in reality (and i have the texts to prove it) me cutting things off were in response to those abhorrent cheats.  He is steadfast in believing he wouldnt be capable of those incidents had I not "ended" things.  total gaslight.

Second example: when faced with the reality of his compulsive sex issues, I said we should maybe have open relationship boundaries.  So my expectations were leveled appropriately.  His reaction to that was disgust. He accused me of not wanting him all along, that I always wished i could be with whomever I wanted, and I didnt understand how pure and innocent our love was, and how our sex was special. It was my role to understand his promiscuity issues were due to his horrible past (horrible past = he screwed 200+ people casually before we met and seemed to enjoy it then) and he had work to do to unravel this tragic past so he could be who he wanted to for me.  Until then, though, a mutually open relationship would just ruin things.  He spent two days alternately freaking out at me and/or ruminating over this. On day three, he sarcastically said "if you really want to, lets try it, but its gonna be ugly." I immediately knew that was not a sincere offer, and more of a threat, so I said no- lets just work on us and our fidelity.

Tonight, when talking about his cheating, he insisted that he truly understands how to love, and that like it or not, sex and love are not the same thing.  He loves me above and beyond sex, so I should understand that his cheating isnt an impeachment to love.

My reaction to that was- um... .didnt you kind of contradict that when we talked about an open relationship.  That you couldnt accept me enjoying physical sex with others and it would be harmful to our love? He said that no, i forgot how that went. When we had that conversation, he said yes, we  can try that if you want... but that I said no.

the whole thing was a complete perversion of the past and overall a manipulation of his earlier feelings, which were something of a manipulation of more early feelings, which contradicted things even more before that.

In reading this post I'm making, even I get very confused.  Ultimately, thats what this tactic is all about- confusing the nonBPD partner into questioning their own reality.  Sometimes its very subtle, very well conceived, other times its blatant and stupid.  Luckily my ex was a master of being stupid.