Strength and support needed

[Karenza]

Hi everyone

I have been in a relationship with my man for 5 yrs, split for the past 12 months but looking like we are gradually getting back together.

During this split I have learned a lot about BPD, and had to do a lot of healing myself. There is no doubt of our feelings for each other, but the damage this condition has caused to both of us is also very real.

To help us both, I need support with setting boundaries, detaching when I need to, and how to be the best loving partner I can be when the splitting, projection and devaluing takes place. My strength is important for myself and for him.

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Karenza,
I am sorry you are dealing with this, it is so difficult.
Are you certain, really certain that you want to be with this man?  That is the only way you can possibly deal with the situation.  You have to love this particular man so much that you don't mind the work involved in managing and caring for him.  It cannot be done, I am convinced, by trying to prove how loving you are or rising to the challenge of "fixing" him or healing him.  You have to love him exactly how he is even at his worst.
  As for boundaries, you must completely live yourself.  You must advocate for yourself and nit feel guilty about your needs.  Only you will advocate for yourself in this relationship.  You will be alone.  I would get a good counselor for support.

[Oncebitten]

Hi Karenza,

Welcome to the board.

You are in the right place, whether you simply wish to heal so you can move on or if you seek the tools so that you can manage a relationship with him.  Sad But Wiser is correct, be sure you want to be with him.  Because while the tools that can be learned will make things more bearable, perhaps even easier... .you cannot fix him.  He is who he is and you must be ok with that.  Believe me, I will be the last person here to discourage you from trying to repair the relationship, just know it wont be easy. 

Again welcome we are all here for you.

[Karenza]

Hi once bitten,

I know it won't be easy, I have no illusions there!

Also, I have learned the hard way I cannot fix him, that is certainly not on my to do list.  I only to aspire to be strong for myself, and then him, in that order.
(Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others).

Thank you for offers of support, it means a lot.

[drained1996]

Hi Karenza,



Sounds like you know what is going on and are looking for some pointers to give you guidance along the way.  To the right of this page in the upper margin you will find tools and lessons that are meant to do exactly what you are asking.  It is a guide to help you temper how you react to and communicate with your partner.  Combining a working knowledge of the illness and its nuances with these and other tools and tactics can help improve the communication and conflict that often arises around a BPD.  There are also many books reviewed here and if you look through I'm sure you will find some geared towards your situation.  Here is a link:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

Feel free to share any thoughts, feelings or questions anytime.  We are here to walk with you.