Is this the upside down?

[Openhearted321]

Where to begin and what to include. I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for the past two and half years. No, he has not been formally diagnosed with BPD but he demonstrates many tell tale signs of this disorder. I know he is suffering from mental health issues in general, but the moment any words associated with mental health are mentioned he freaks. Again why I can not say he has been formally diagnosed. I have suggested numerous times seeking out help, support, or anyone to talk to about his concerns only to have him get upset with me.

Anyways let me tell you why I am here and why I am seeking advice from any of you out there. My issue started this past weekend where my boyfriend I got into a heated discussion about our future. He did not like the direction of where our conversation was going and became angry. Angry to the point where he snapped and screamed at me to get out of his house.  Unfortunately his daughter happened to be present and witnessed this fall out. At first my boyfriend seemed levelheaded in our discussions following this blowout and even asked me to take some time to think about what I want out of life and whether I really wanted to be with him since he thinks he can't give me what I truly want. In the meantime I know his coworkers may have filled his head and were telling him that he needs to breAkup with me cause I will never do it.

In the matter of one day he contacted me and told me that he would like to take a two week break. He gave me no explanation on why he wanted this break except for he needed time to think and that the drama was overwhelming him. Of course I was curious and not able to properly digested his requests.  Looking back I too probably did not handle this kind of request healthily. I ended up shooting more texts questioning his requests and eventually he proceeded to tell me he completely done with me and our relationship.

Over the next couple of days I was trying my hardest to play "dumb" or to not let him see that I plan to leave him (since I knew people with BPD have issues with abdonement). I tried to reassure him that I loved him and won't let this ruin us. (And yes I know I have several codependency issues myself and need to work on them... .) anyways my actions only made him more upset. He said incredibly hurtful things like "I never have loved you," "I am looking for someone more submissive," "you were only a rebound," and lastly "I have no respect for you." As  you can imagine I was in tears for I felt my world wasjust destroyed. It's like he knew every single one of my weaknesses or insecurities and said it to inflict pain. Eventually he told me once again get out of his house since he was done with me. I simply obeyed and left.

Now comes the struggle I've been having. I have tried to reach out via text message to Reassure him  that I still love him and care for him. He has simply ignored me and is giving me one of his world famous silent treatments. I know that he went out last night and partied which many times prior when things are good between us he tells me he hates to do. I also know he did this with the intention to having me find out and to further hurt me. The hardest thing is that this guy who I love and adore has openly admitted on more than one occasion that he knows how to fight dirty and he knows what words to say to inflict pain.

So here I am. I'm hurt. I'm confused. I have a tough time believing he truly done since this is what we have done for the past two years. I need advice from anyone or suggestions. Should I let him ignore me? Do I give him space. How should handle one this episodes? Does he really hate me like he claims? Is there anyway to help him out? Please please help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi Openhearted321,



Dealing with a loved one with traits of BPD is a very mentally, emotionally and physically draining thing to have in life.  We understand how that feels.  Here  you will find knowledge, understanding and sharing.  To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that can help you along your path if indeed your choice is to stay in this relationship. 
Is that what you are looking to do? 

Does he really hate me like he claims?

BPD's feel in the moment... .one of the main hallmarks of the disorder is their inability to regulate emotions.  They feel in extremes as I'm sure you have seen, one moment you are on a pedestal, the next, the very dirt underneath their feet.  It's a dynamic that plays out in many BPD relationships. 

What do you want out of being here?  Are you looking save this relationship and improve your ability to communicate and relate to him?  Or would you rather detach, heal and move forward? 

Is there anyway to help him out?

The direct answer is not really, any improvement on him and his issues will have to be worked on by him.  One thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change our person with BPD, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  The tools and lessons mentioned above can help in that area.  We look forward to hearing back from you.  We are here to walk with you.   

[Openhearted321]

Thank you for your reply. Seriously anything can help right now since I find myself once again isolated and alone. It's hard to talk to friends and family about this since they are tired of hearing about how much pain allow myself by staying in this relationship... .

Anyways I finally heard from my SO. He simply reached out to tell me that he won't be coming to my families Christmas and has cancelled a trip we were to take in July. He keeps telling me that this is best for him. I don't get me wrong I totally understand but can this really be the truth? I mean literally one week ago he was in tears of joy happiness because of how much he loved me and the relationship I have with his daughter and now today he is removing

I will admit he was been on "high" with life for the past two months. The happiest I have ever seen him. I should expect a falling out like this after the multiple triggers that occurred at our Christmas. I just want to be able to get past this low phase... .

You ask me what I want to do in regards to relationship and right now I want to fix it. I'm not sure how to properly communicate without him getting more upset or hate me more. I want him to know I love him but want him to know I respect him. Are there any helpful things I should do?

[drained1996]

You can begin by familiarizing yourself with the tools and lessons on the right of this page as I noted above.  They will be helpful in better navigating conflict and communication.  As for what to do... .for now you can respect the boundaries he has put into place and see what if anything transpires in the future.  In the meantime, learning about the illness and its nuances and reading others stories here can give you some good insight.  Have you thought about seeing therapist to help guide you through this difficult time?  Many here have found a good professional to be a valuable resource in their journey.  FYI, a good book to check out is Stop Walking on Eggshells.