Effect of BPD spouse on your children

[terranova79]

Hi everyone,

One of the things I struggle with most in deciding what to do with my marriage to my uBPDw is the effect of her behavior on my two young children.  Even if I can tolerate the emotional abuse I take from my uBPDw, I fear that my young kids will somehow end up like their mom if I stay.  My uBPDw can be a very loving mother.  She is very conscientious, cooks them great meals, makes sure they're well dressed, etc and often shows them a lot of love.  But what worries me is that, especially with my almost-three year old son, she is just way too harsh and demanding with him.  She gets mad at him and raises her voice when he does age-typical things like dilly dallying, not eating all his food, not doing a good job putting away all his toys, crying or being temperamental, etc.  She is often very critical of him ("why is it so hard for you to eat?" "All you do is cry cry cry!" Etc.).  My efforts to get her to lighten up result in a torrent of blaming and meanness from my uBPDw.

I am worried that no matter how hard I try to be the best father I can be in this marriage, it may not be enough for my kids if they are exposed to crap from my uBPDw every day or even just 5-6 times a week.  What are your experiences with the effect of your BPD SO on your kids?  Is leaving really the only way to protect your kids?  And if I leave, do I need more than 50/50 custody to ensure the kids grow up healthy?

Thanks!

[LeftSidePain]

I've often wondered the same. My Ex is doing some very harmful things emotionally and psychologically to our children since she has left. It has made a very indelible impression upon the eldest and not in a good way. I am just starting to go through this all so I am no authority this is just what I am going through at the moment. I can tell you this hurts like hell. It hurts to hear about the other man from my middle child or having to hear my eldest tell me stories of what nasty and tragic things their mother is doing.

I stayed with my Ex for 15 years. I had no idea what BPD was I just knew three things. I had to stay and be a father to my child. I had to protect my child from my spouse. This was going to be a hard thing to do.

By the end of 15 years together I was in isolation, depressed, thinking suicidal thoughts, drinking heavily, not nearly as good as a father as I needed to be, angry, hostile, alone, confused and living in complete hell. There was almost no joy in my life at all. None. I truly thought I was going crazy. Many times I wanted to run away, but stayed for their sake.

I was told that I would have to be the solid parent the lighthouse or rock so to speak for the children as they will be going through a very difficult time. I was told this by someone who had a very unstable mother and very stable father. She stated that the stability of her father lasted well past any actions her mother did.

I took this advice to heart. I put in the extra effort and it has paid off in more ways than one. I have a deeper bond with my children now and I am hyper vigilant in their needs and care. They love and trust me more now than they ever have before. I've never seen more smiles from my children than I do now.

Before she left our house it was filled with chaos. Screaming, anger, hostility, coldness, isolation, depression, etc... Everybody was walking on egg shells and typically avoided each other to stay out of harms way. Looking back it was a very toxic environment for everyone in this house. The kids were getting to the point of going into the other room when we argued and I could see with my own eyes it was hurting all of them. It was heart breaking actually. 

After she left I cleaned the house and reorganized everything. Cleaned all the rooms and was determined to make this place look like a beautiful home. I was determined to start over and make it a healthy place to be for them.

I have my younger two 50/50 and I get the eldest every other weekend. I keep in constant contact with the eldest. Email, text, and I talk a bit when I get the younger two. The younger two are very happy here. My eldest told me it is calm here and feels like a home. I am different in a good way and feels safe here now. I was also told the other house has constant chaos, anger, yelling, and physical abuse. The eldest loves it here, but doesn't want to choose between us in fear of hurting the other and feels responsible to protect the younger two. That is another story in itself.

The point I am trying to make is that if you decide to leave you are going to hurt your children. There is no way around it. If you do decide to go you need to make a safe healthy environment for them and realize there is nothing you can do to protect them while they are over there. That is the worst part of it all. If you leave you cannot protect them from your ex spouse and any horrible decision she may make. You will have to pick up the pieces when they are with you. You will be ran into the ground by the Ex. Everything will be your fault and your children will resent you and anyone you may bring into their life. Until they are old enough to see it for themselves.

Maybe some type of therapy for you and your spouse would be a better option than leaving? I know if I could do it all over again I would do that in a heart beat. I do not like to see my children go through this and I am constantly worried for them when they are away.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi LeftSidePain and terranova79

I'm gonna add a little of my story here in support and hopefully insight.

My exBP and I were friends at first, he needed a temporary place to crash whilst he found a job apparently, (as of now he has been unemployed almost 7 years).  I was told his whole life story very quickly, including the fact that he was homeless and jobless because of his family, this tale was made to sound very plausible and realistic.

Later through forming a good relationship with his parents, I came to learn this was a total lie, (which I had started to suspect anyway).

At the time that he came to crash on my sofa, we were only friends for a month or so, and I had my then almost 20yr old daughter boarding with me, and my almost 17 year old son too.

My daughter immediately noticed that there wasn't something quite right about my new friend, I had thought at the time that it was because he had admitted to having smoked a lot of pot in his past, so I said to her that I appreciated her opinion and would try to keep my eyes wide open.

I didn't, or rather BP pulled the wool over them for a time.

As time wore on, and BP and I became more than friends, his behaviour started to change once he knew he 'had me'. This began with extreme verbal abuse, potent and obsessive jealousy, stalking, and constant outrageous accusations of cheating, not to mention sleep deprivation and occasional bouts of physical violence, or property damage.

My son couldn't take it, and moved out to stay with his Father, and later, my daughter moved out too, she had a boyfriend and they got a rental together, however her boyfriend turned out to be a meth addict, who stole a large amount of money off her, left her with the debt and responsibility and took off, having cheated on her. She had no other choice, but to return home to me, as she didn't want to live with her Father.

I blame myself for the fact that my daughter got into a relationship with a cad, just like I had, as I was unconsciously teaching her what she should put up with from men.

My relationship with BP lasted 4 years off and on, 2 where he stayed at mine and 2 where he returned to his elderly parents, or lived in his car when he was abusing them too. 

On the other hand, I also copped plenty of abuse from the Father of my children for putting them through it, (ironically, the Father of my 2 children was the 2nd abuser in my life after I left home and my own Father, but my first serious relationship is yet another long story!

At any rate, the stress of my relationship with exBP took a huge toll on my children, despite them being young adults, (and somewhat hardier) so I can only imagine what this does to younger children, my daughter is still recovering from it now, like me. I could never put them through anything like that ever again.

Thankfully, on the brighter side of things, my children have learnt a lot about life and people too, and their tolerance level for any form of abuse now, is zero, as is mine.

I hope this little bit of info helps.

Cheers

Roller

[CareTaker]

Effect of BPD spouse on your children 

We often complain about the pain and abuse we have to endure, but I think the kids have it worse. Children are the real innocent victims in relationships with people who suffer from disorders. And although we have a choice, they have no option.

It is because of kids that I broke my relationship. I realized that although I don't have kids, and at 53 my chances are pretty slim having any now, I just could not have kids with my ex. I rather set her free to have her kids with someone else.

What confirmed my choice was a book called: Boundaries. When to say YES, and when to say NO. It was written by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. It gives reasons for having boundaries and how to apply them. I think anyone in any relationship (including family and friends) with someone with a disorder, should read this book.

Would I have stayed with my ex had I read this book before walking out? NO, it would have just made me leave sooner.

[going places]

Hi everyone,

One of the things I struggle with most in deciding what to do with my marriage to my uBPDw is the effect of her behavior on my two young children.  Even if I can tolerate the emotional abuse I take from my uBPDw, I fear that my young kids will somehow end up like their mom if I stay.  My uBPDw can be a very loving mother.  She is very conscientious, cooks them great meals, makes sure they're well dressed, etc and often shows them a lot of love.  But what worries me is that, especially with my almost-three year old son, she is just way too harsh and demanding with him.  She gets mad at him and raises her voice when he does age-typical things like dilly dallying, not eating all his food, not doing a good job putting away all his toys, crying or being temperamental, etc.  She is often very critical of him ("why is it so hard for you to eat?" "All you do is cry cry cry!" Etc.).  My efforts to get her to lighten up result in a torrent of blaming and meanness from my uBPDw.

I am worried that no matter how hard I try to be the best father I can be in this marriage, it may not be enough for my kids if they are exposed to crap from my uBPDw every day or even just 5-6 times a week.  What are your experiences with the effect of your BPD SO on your kids?  Is leaving really the only way to protect your kids?  And if I leave, do I need more than 50/50 custody to ensure the kids grow up healthy?

Thanks!

Who says she has a BPD?

If it is a professional, is the wife willing to get some sort of counseling, to help her manage?

IF the wife, diagnosed, refuses counseling / responsibility for this disorder, you have a couple of options:

1. Full custody of the kids, and she only has supervised visitations.

2. Divorce, get and much custody as you can but understand this: unless you have the above arrangement, she can bring ANYONE she wants into the home where the kids are ANY TIME she wants and do ANY THING she wants.

You will have NO access to her home.

3. Stay married, stay in counseling and do the very best you can raising the kids the best you can under the circumstances. The kids are the number one priority.

I chose #3.

Mine are adults now.

I "hid / covered" the exh's abuse.

When he was exposed having an affair (it had been going on for 8 months, he was busted 2 weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary) and then for the NEXT 3 years me trying to 'put it all back together'... .my adult kids saw.

They saw what I was hiding all those years.

They are 24,23,almost 21.

None of them did drugs, booze, or promiscuious behavior (the kids and I are also Believers)

One is angry.

They all can't wait for this dern house to sell so I can move away, and start over.

I divorced exh in 1996 because I couldn't take it anymore... .then realized when he would have the kids, what they would be exposed too. I could not do that to my kids.

So I folded. We re-married 2 years later (live together the entire time)... .

There was NO WAY I could expose my kids to that.

((Funny, the woman he was having an affair with? In 1997, I told my gf "the type" of trash queen he'd hook up with... .AND GUESS WHAT, in 2011 when I busted him? The 'woman'... .matched my description from 97 TO A "T"... .It was scary))

So I did what was best for the kids, not me.

I have a lot, I mean A LOT of damage to repair in myself.

BUT I would rather it be me, and not them.

[icesoul]

Who says she has a BPD?

If it is a professional, is the wife willing to get some sort of counseling, to help her manage?

IF the wife, diagnosed, refuses counseling / responsibility for this disorder, you have a couple of options:

1. Full custody of the kids, and she only has supervised visitations.

2. Divorce, get and much custody as you can but understand this: unless you have the above arrangement, she can bring ANYONE she wants into the home where the kids are ANY TIME she wants and do ANY THING she wants.

You will have NO access to her home.

3. Stay married, stay in counseling and do the very best you can raising the kids the best you can under the circumstances. The kids are the number one priority.

I chose #3.

Mine are adults now.

I "hid / covered" the exh's abuse.

When he was exposed having an affair (it had been going on for 8 months, he was busted 2 weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary) and then for the NEXT 3 years me trying to 'put it all back together'... .my adult kids saw.

They saw what I was hiding all those years.

They are 24,23,almost 21.

None of them did drugs, booze, or promiscuious behavior (the kids and I are also Believers)

One is angry.

They all can't wait for this dern house to sell so I can move away, and start over.

I divorced exh in 1996 because I couldn't take it anymore... .then realized when he would have the kids, what they would be exposed too. I could not do that to my kids.

So I folded. We re-married 2 years later (live together the entire time)... .

There was NO WAY I could expose my kids to that.

((Funny, the woman he was having an affair with? In 1997, I told my gf "the type" of trash queen he'd hook up with... .AND GUESS WHAT, in 2011 when I busted him? The 'woman'... .matched my description from 97 TO A "T"... .It was scary))

So I did what was best for the kids, not me.

I have a lot, I mean A LOT of damage to repair in myself.

BUT I would rather it be me, and not them.

so noble of you to stay for the kids. im have 3 kids and one on the way. im going through possible upcomign divorce. im deciding my options cuase there is infedility involved on her part. and lot of other weird behavior.