Trying to save our marriage, afraid for the kids Please help.

[bubimir]

Hi,

My wife left me for another guy 9 months ago. After 3 months she wanted to come back. We started to work things out, but every now and then he wants out blaming me i lie and play games. She thinks I'm in love with a girl i had relationship with in the meantime, which I ended. Every time this girl posts something on Facebook, my wife acts out. I suspect on the fear of abandonment. Other problem is tha this another guy hangs out with her all the time, and says that he will do anything for her without question. He has no boundaries, and that is making problems for me. She likes that, but i don't think it is good for my kids. I am afraid to leave them with her, but i can't take them because my son has ASD and is too attached to her. Yesterday, after i gave her deadline for decision about who she wants to be with, she acted out and told me not with me i f i set i date. No she is distant and does not want to spend Christmas with me there. I can't go NC because of the kids. What do i do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi bubimir,

Sorry you're having to deal with these circumstances, but it's a familiar story here.  One thing I noticed in your post, you didn't really say what YOU want to happen.  What are your thoughts there?

[bubimir]

I want to save the marriage, and learn to comunicate with her. Our communication improved dramatically after i educated myself. But the problem is that every time my ex puts something on facebook (not about me, but my wife thinks everything is about me) or set boundaries, she acts out. It wouldn't be a problem because i learned to handle it, but after these situations she turns to her ex which is in love with her and agrees with everything she wants and says. Even when its not good for her. He admited this himself. I really think we can make it on our own. My bihgest wish is for my children to be ok, but i cannot trust them together.

[drained1996]

i gave her deadline for decision about who she wants to be with

With your perspective in mind, I'll point out that this comes across as an ultimatum and not a boundary.  :)on't beat yourself up over that, most all of us stumble more than once in this category!  

Check out this link for boundaries and limits:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I'm not sure if you have been directed to the upper margin on the right of this page yet... .but there you will find some tools and lessons that are in place to help guide you to better communications and reactions to your BPD.  

Setting boundaries does not necessarily mean you have to say them out loud.

Once you read the link above, let us know if you understand the statement I just wrote.  

We are here!  

[bubimir]

Thank you drained1996,

I understand this better now. Few moments ago, she offerd me to come to her place for Christmass Eve, but her "friend" will be there with his kid. This is something i told her before that is not accetable for me. I told her i will not come by at the times he is there because i don't feel comfortable when he is there. She has tried this for several times before, but i held my ground. Now she tells me that if i want to be with my kids on christmass eve i should be a man a nd endure his presence there. I think this would be wrong. And just now after i told her that she has to do what she has to, and i will do the same (i was honest, not threatening), she started to send nice messages like: be happy, you deserve everything, we have to be OK... .The same thing has happened every time before she wanted to come back. I don't know what to think anymore.
This is changing daily.

[drained1996]

Yeah man, when they are adding another into the picture things definitely get fuzzy.  I like that you stuck to your boundary, and I think it is a healthy boundary for you.  
The illness really causes a lack of boundaries as they really have no sense of self.  They don't know where they end and you begin... .to them it's all one.  It's up to you to set the boundaries you need to stay safe, sane, and in control of you.  Allowing a BPD to get us outside of where we are in control of ourselves and feel comfortable is a recipe for dysfunction.  

Would she be willing to see a therapist with you?  I'd also slide in the suggestion you see one on your own, many of us have found a professional guide of great importance in our journey.  Be easy and compassionate with yourself during this time... .what you are dealing with would shake most to their core... .been there, felt that way myself. You should probably also check out this link:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle
 One way or another, it does get better!  

[bubimir]

I tried to propose a therapy for her, but she refuses. I recognize her as a high  functioning borderline. Her boyfriend's wife was a psychotherapist and he knows she has a problem and uses it to his advantage, and to turn her aganst me. He admited this to me, but won't tell her. She idolizes him because of his understanding and his bowing to her every wish. I try so hard not to hurt him because of this, but it's getting hard not to do so. My kids are in stake, and one of them has special needs. I am in therapy, but even my therapist (by far the best one in town)  says this is the first time she had this kind of a situation. I'm afraid that the consequences are inevitable.

[Portent]

I feel for you. Its very similar to my situation. My wife's boyfriend caters to her every need. Ivd found that BPDs crave enablers. Enablers give affirmation and affirmation is what BPDs crave. You have to learn to afirm her emotions without affirming her actions.

[drained1996]

I'm afraid that the consequences are inevitable

Can you give some more meaning to this statement?  What are you feeling/thinking that made you share that?